I fled the Mid-West after high school. I wasn't scholarship material, had (and still suffer from) a huge problem with self-esteem and migraine headaches. The wanderlust and restless spirit after graduation was most likely hormonal, but nonetheless overpowering. Small town life was suffocating me. My family was going through their own dramas at the same time, and I just didn't want to be caught in the middle. I remember in my Senior year, lying on the floor reading the local paper and seeing the announcement that my Dad had filed for divorce. I screamed out loud. I had to call my Mom at work and tell her what I had read. She hadn't seen it coming and this was how she found out. My Dad never had the guts to tell her to her face that he wanted a divorce, but I imagine his lover (my Mom's best friend, of course) had demanded that he cease procrastinating and pussy-footing around the issue. I continued to panic and attempt to elude reality. I saw a TV commercial recruiting young ladies for the Marine Corp(I swear it was some blond waterskiing behind a speedboat waving & smiling at the camera-she looked like she was having fun. More fun than I was, and on impulse, I called the recruiter. The Navy recruiter answered the phone and told me the Marine was out getting drunk, and claimed I didn't really want to join the Marines, that the Navy was right for me. I didn't care-I just wanted out of Dodge. I had had a boyfriend for about a year, but he was always getting drunk and getting into fights with other drunk guys, and though he was sweet to me, I could picture my future , barefoot and perpetually pregnant, forever bailing him out of jail, as he fought his demons. I had to get out. I couldn't live my life like so many other girls in that small town. I had to leave and joining the Navy was just as good as any other way. It was 1970. I'd heard Viet Nam mentioned in the news a lot, but I was 18. I didn't get the connection at the time-wasn't even looking for it. Just looking for a way out. Bootcamp back then was lightweight compared to these days, but early on I realized that they were intent on heavy-duty hasseling me just to see if I could take it. I didn't like being yelled at for no good reason, but kept in mind that it was for a limited time only. Sometimes, when I could hear those authoratative high heels of some lady of higher rank clicking down the hall to give a ration of crapola to any poor recruit who was unfortunate enough to be seen by her- I hopped into my locker and closed the door behind me. I have since, always sung the praises of keeping a low profile. I spent 7 years enlisted in the service. Most of the time California dreaming and a few times pulling it off- getting stationed on Coronado Island outside of San Diego, and after hopping around through Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Great Lakes, Ill.,& Bethesda, Maryland, I went to Oak Knoll Naval Hospital working in one of the best jobs of my life-a Physical Therapy technician. It was a great time in my life-that job. I was good. I was the burn technician (debreiding burns in the hydrotherapy tanks, and assisting Docs grafting pig skin to try and regrow skin). I was the only one allowed to assist the docs, cause I could do what had to be done in spite of the screams. I could turn off while working, and suffer the emotional drain after the work was done. I was good. I was also the main pediatric technician. It was the ultimate in caring and it made my life so much worth living. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. I had so much going for me. And then I saw this guy...he didn't know I was alive-he looked right through me. He never saw me, always ignored me.I've never been pretty, but always have been adventurous. So I scored two tickets to an Arlo Guthrie concert and asked him to go. He was surprised-but had this quirk about the girl paying for the tickets, so he told me to sell the tickets and he would get us tickets, and we'd go to dinner afterwards. It was raining when he picked me up on his motorcycle, and he only had one helmet. He needed it to keep the rain out of his eyes so I just rolled with it, closed my eyes from Hayward to Berkeley, and arrived in a downpour, at a sold out show with a guy who thought he could get tickets at the door. Should have seen the signs. I married this guy after a 10-month courtship. I spent nearly a decade trying to show this guy that I was there, and worth his consideration. He had a low opinion of all women("they can't keep their legs closed"), and he meant that for all of them including his own mother. I knew he was wrong about all women. I thought I could help him. A psychologist who was helping me to re-learn how to breathe again guring the break up, asked me, "Cher-whatever made you think you could change him?" "Oh, I did not want to change him, I wanted to help-oh my God, helping is changing..." one of my earliest light-bulb moments that I had trouble seeing the forrest for the trees.Next entry, I hope to entitle something like, "I have seen me some rock 'n roll." Greatful Dead about 200 times, Carlos Santana (who I danced with back stage at an Eric Capton concert with Phil Collins on drums less than 10 feet away), my personal favorite about 60 times. Moody Blues, Neil Young, Jethro Tull, Joe Cocker, The Neville Bros., The Talking Heads, Pink Floyd, The Rolling Stoness, Jerry Garcia Band, The Beach Boys, and more than I can remember or name... I was a medical volunteer with Rock Medicine of The Haight Ashbury Free Clinic, and concert producer Bill Graham took us with him all over California to take care of kids & crew having too much fun-or none at all. Not enough hours in the day,and now I lay me down to sleep. Later daze.

Ruth Gordon in " Harold & Maude"-I want my soul to be adventurous, idealistic, hopeful, wise, and full of stories. I do believe that "the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time," and hope to triumph and keep that outlook on life vivid and steadfast. In spite of the dearth of dues I have yet to pay. I like people, "they're my species." Some , I know, will never like, appreciate, or even notice me, except perhaps to degrade me as I am ,of course, just another face in the crowd. Middle aged,now, on a good day, I can pull off looking 40-something. Wearing make-up is just for special occasions, everyday is full and putting a false face forward just isn't important to me, anymore. I am what I am and that's all I am-and most of the time, I feel that that is not bad at all, considering." Once in a while, you get shown the light, in the strangest of places, if you look at it right." I've got to keep a bead on that elusive light. I have lost my way, so many times, on so many roads. It is not always easy to remember that I can be lost for so long before I find my way again. It may be a different way, but it will be my way. Everytging that I think I have learned has to be learned over and over again until the light just naturally comes to me and guides me on my way...I'm pretty sure about that. Just need to keep my mind working towards the lightshine...

...about, life, love and learning. Things that I will need to be reminded of in the future when I won't be able to see the forest for the trees, yet again. I do so want to be a better me, and then again, I am often very happy with things as they are. I must learn to control my nerves, my moods, my occasional tendencies to be my own worst enemy. There are not enough hours in the day, anyday...It's all in my perspective, it's all in my head, it's all I have. Myself. And the love that I give and take every time I turn around. I visited the folks in their nursing homes today, I took one of my dogs along for the smiles he brings. Some visits are sweet, as was today's. Everywhere we went, we were welcome and I took the day for the gift that it was. Yet the visits, the driving, the time consumed, have left me tired, with yet another aching head. The only thing I'd rather be doing than blogging is sleeping. And the sleeping has become demanding. I relunctantly sign off with no epiphanies of inspiration, just knowing that I know I will love my life more tomorrow if I go to sleep within the hour tonight. This much about life, I have learned,

Acoustic CS&N DVD in background, having a more-than pleasant Saurday web surfing the afternoon away. "The Secret of Life is enjoying the passage of time." Nice work when you can get it. I am blessed and overall happy. For many years I thought I was happy, but I didn't really know what it meant. I have a wonderful man in my life these days,and am daily learning what it means to be loved and what happiness can truly become to be. It's a never-ending journey, but at least I'm enjoying the ride. I love my family, and we are doing our best to get through the realities of our folks suffering dementia and disillusion in nursing homes as they deteriorate before our eyes. I'd be lost without the love, support, and kindness of my sibliings. Two sisters, two brothers, like bridges over troubled water doing whatever we can to help to smoothe the way for one another. It is the best of times, and it is the worst of times, and it is what it is. Thank God, we have each other. I've had 2 surgical proceedures with steroid injections to try to eradicate my life-long migraine afflictions. There has been some improvement after theses proceedures, but no miracle cure. I will most likely have to have a third series of injecions, and if the headaches persist,I will have the doc burn the orgins of the involved nerves(C2,3,&4, and the right orbital process). Admittingly these are risky proceedures, but migraines have ruled so much of my life; thus desperate times produce desperate measures. I'm a child of the 70's. I'd much rather take a pill (or two,or three), but the medical profession is cracking down on taking the easy way out. Dr Melendez strongly believes that he can cure me. Having no medical insurance, I have applied for financial asistance from the hospital & for the first time in my life I've had the humbling expeirence of being referred to as a "charity case. The truth hurts, but not as much as the rest of my life being continuously controlled by migraines would hurt. I will make monthly payments for quite possibly the rest of my life to hopefully improve the quality of that life.Time will tell. I have such a problem believing in myself-I find that I am a natural drams queen, my mother always told me that I suffered "so beautifully". I try to refrain from this unpleasant personality quirk, but it comes so naturally to me...the best medicine is have a loved one tell me to get a grip.My life has been a kaliedescope of aventures and misadventures. I joined the Navy when I was 18. I have nothing bad to say about those years. I had fun,had my heart broken & broke a few of my own along the way. I learned a lot, but more often than not, I missed the point entirely.During those formative 7 years, I made friends that still influence my life today,thirty some years later. I love them, as well. I married a young, disturbed guy during that era. Life is for learning. I learned that love was more than being the caged house-mouse he demanded that I be. I suppose that by trying to obey his narrcisistic doctrines that I was sacraficying in order to earn his love. I WAS SO WRONG. And, I have sinced learned my life is far too special to be any man's "bitch". We divorced. There were no more surprises when you are as obedient as I tried to be. He failed to respect or believe my efforts. He got laid by someone else, decicded he liked it, and decided that I was a useless bore. California dreamin had become a nightmare and I eventually found the strength to leave. He was a very sick young man who was instrumental in me becoming a very sick young woman. I am still overcome with a lack of self esteem resulting from that union. I share equally in the blame,though. He did. nothing to me that I did not allow him to do to me. I will never let it happen to me again. Off & on I spent 17 years in California, in & out of the Navy, in & out of the sorry marriage. I acquired many adventures, being young and restless. I acquired some good habits, and some nasty ones, as well. I have ,to date, beaten a few bad habits. I no longer allow myself to partake of alcohol. I am often tempted, but for the most part I can reason myself against having a drink. The very few I gave into immediately gave me a headache & memories of my drunken dramas of yesteryears flood my brain and, I SUDDENLY AM NOT HAVING ANY FUN AT ALL. If I give in to this old habit, I regret it immediatly. I believe it one jones that I have beaten, but "old habits die hard." And I have beaten that other habit entirely, as far as I can tell. It's been more than 20 years now. I've been able to just say "no", and have no desire to visit that madness at all anymore. I did wonderful, terrible things while under that old habit's spell. I lost sleep, opportunities, and so much valuable time fooling myself that I was living my life to my fullest potential. Like my marrigae-how could I have been so wrong, for so long? It was a serious charccter flaw, a weakness, a contibutary factor to severly limit my ability to live that full life that I was so desperately trying to find. I keep it at bay now, but hope to remember that I have a tendency to seek out remedies that only complicate the complicated. I will never partake again. I have more dignity,more important priorities. I have everything to lose.I am not proud of those habits, but I am somewhat proud of the strength that I found to beat them. It gives me hope for a brighter future, even at this late midlife point of my quest.This is enough for my first blog post. I have wonderful weather this evening w/3 wonderful dogs that I want to pay some special attention to tonight. And I want to spend some time chatting with the man I am lucky enough to love, as he busies himself improving the amazing life he is building for the 5 of us.I hope to keep track of my continuing dramas via blogging. I hope to keep learning...