winds blowin 'round the corner of the house...howling, blustering, distant thunder...there's a storm a comin' on. May have to get outta the Stream on quick notice if the Smokestack Lighting start to rear it's head...I've got acoustic Crosy, Stills & Nash on the DVD, and it doesn't get much better thatn this.

Got a ceiling fan swirlin' the heavy, humid, pre-storm close air thick in the bedroom. Some aromatic Caifornia Scents freah-opened...Apple Cider, quite lovely..."Daylight Again...Mother Earth will swallow you, Lay your body down..."

I have a very good life. I have challenges. Lessons learned, but not applied. Deep thoughts

more thunder, heavy wind, the boys just dedicated "this one' for Bill Graham..." "Teach Your Children Well"

Bubba tells me that the storm approaches, the lighten is getting closer, so as soon as I am on, I'm off! For safety's sake.lESSONS LEARNED... applied...the dvd IS OVER, ANYWAY

tomorrow, my friends, tomorrow

The frogs are back, I kin sit on my back porch & watch the finger-nail moon, make a wish on the first star I see tonite, feel the cool spring breeze on my face, and put each one of my arms 'round the necks of two dogs that love me and smile at me constanly.

I keep forgetting that the farmer's field in the back of my backyard rotates between corn & soybeans on an annual basis. This year, they will plant soybeans that turn into golden shrub fields once autumn rolls around.

And that there are woods behind the field, and it all looks so cozy and Southern Mid-Western typical rolling plains scenic view," doo-doo-doo, lookin' out my backdoor."

And I never mention that we have a huge solitary pine tree in the far right corner of our fenced-in back yard. Bubba dug each post hole with his post-holer, all by himself. The tree used to be a Charlie Brown Christmas tree that Bubba brought over for the front of the RV that we were living in while he was building the house. We had no room for it, but put it utside the front door & decorated it. We were the only year round residents that the RV park had...lot rent was $135.00 a month, and we often had the RV park all to ourselves. with nightly bon-fires in the front yard, sitting around the fire talking, laughing, teasing, playing with the two dogs we had back then. People felt sorry for us. Like we were in dire staights or something...we were, & still are, in Heaven, and we were the only ones that know it. I had such lawn art when we didn't have to mow the lawn! Passed on by my Step-Mom to me when they could no longer handle all the stairs in the big old music store/home that I grew up in. They chose to move to condos with neighborhood rules & monthly meetings, where ceramic skunks and pink flamingos were most defitinely verbotten. It was fun to have a menagerie decorating out lot for the year & a half we lived there.

And, did ever tell y'all thatI have a huge gardenia, a potted plant that I keep as a reminder of one of life's lessons as of yet, still obviously left unlearned (another post, perhaps).I have managed to keep her alive & some how to thrive through the winter & this week we will move it to it's shady spot by the front gate so it can languish in the indirect sunlight. Her name is Althea.

I always leave out the part about each one of my dogs gets a part of a can of tuna fish poured onto the top of their diet kibble with the left over tuna to eat right out of the can on the side. One can per dog. Every night. And in the morning, Bubba cuts up some turkey dogs, cheap cheese, and the occasional ham chunk with a side can of a tad bit o' skim milk served in the empty cans from the banquet the night before. Every morning.

I always forget that no matter how stressed I get, even if it's pre-empted now & then, I get to watch "My Name Is Earl " most every Thursday evening. And like Earl, I too, am just trying to be a better person.

Whenever I remember.

I might just be a lil more stressed than I have allowed myself to believe here, lately. I, like, well, I broke out into hives last night.I thought I was in control of my emotions, rolling with the proverbial punches...but in pulling off a good-quality inventory, I allowed my cup to runneth over.I put the back-breaking straw on the camel's back .I allowed myself to be consumed by the pursuit of unobtainable perfection. And this just is not indicative of how I thought that I had learned to live my life. Just when ya think ya gotta grip-you find out you weren't even in the neighborhood.

So, I hit up Wally World for 3 tubes of Hydrocortisone(close encounters with Wally World are big deals, these daze, in the early autumn of my life) & various sundry items I thought that I could not live without, & spent a lil more than a whole Bill=more stress),& have already almost finished the first tube soothing over the welts. These stresses are things that I know that I have more control over, yet I allow them to build up, and hit me upside of my head, over,& over,& over again. Man, but I have so much to learn...and not that much time left to commit what I've learned to what is left of my memory. Ya' know what I mean?

I suppose I am forever in search of a balance...& the possibility that balance in one's life is in itself, just a myth, weighs heavily on my head. To quote Rose Anne Adanna Danna,"It's always something!"

So, my folks are in rapid mental decline. I suppose that I can roll with this fact, but I cannot yet, make peace with watching them so lost, defiant, lethargic, so completely in world of their own, one of many, that even they cannot recognize. I cannot dwell on this line of thinking for any great length of a time. Like where something unseen causes ripples to ring out, ever expanding changes in all our realities, it threatens to consume me.

I cannot allow myself to over act to Bubba's recent health problems. He has always had high blood pressure. Why am I so preoccupied with him finally admitting his problem, and seeking medical attention? He wore the leads & wires for 24 hours, had no missed beats, great vital signs, no problemos in spite of the natural challenges he rountinely entertains himself with.@ 5:30pm, today, after waking up from a long nap in our grossly uncomfortable recliner (like Red Foreman's in "That 70's Show),and immediatelly started skipping heart beats upon that awakening. We are not in the medical profession, but I've monitored his pulse and on some occasions I have noted skipped beats in the rythm, as has Bubba, on many occasions. We have no doubt of it. The Cardilogist does doubt it,"Your heartbeat probably just got weaker for a few beats," says she.

"Well it sure wears me out, makes me dizzy, and forces me to sit down, and that seems like it's skipping beats, as far as I'm concerned," countered Bubba, right there & then deciding that he & the doc become competitors, as opposed to the team that I was hoping for. All of this is out of my control. But I start scratching my forearms, the tops and the palms of my hands, my feet, my ankles, beneath my ear, all through my scalp...all over, here & there. I am trying to cure what ails Bubba by breaking out into red, itchy, splotches...oh yeah, I can tell right away that I'm going to be a big help to all of us. Like an anvil for a life-peserver, "I'm helping!"

Or maybe I will be of help later. Just not right now, I don't think, I can help anyone but myself, and it is taking quite the extra effort.

And the migraines. And the stolen medication, and the betrayal of someone whom I at least always figured would never do anything to hurt me... wrong, again. Needing more medical care stuff for myself, but not able to afford any more medical screenings, or attention, because I have no medical insurance, and I probably never will have it again the rest of my life, and it all costs more than I make now...

The price of ga$. The cost of living. Stupid decisions. Mistakes. Pain that I own. Thinking the pursuit of more pain might not being worth the end results, as the results do not even ever begin to justify the means. And the results are never what I expected them to be. And really, after all this learning, you'd think I'd know beter than to even try... The ever-present inclination to pay it forward, but trying to, hopefully wisely, not be a sucker' for a change. Needing to be stronger. Afraid to start to cry, almost unable to cry, out of sheer defense mechinisms...once I start crying, how will I ever stop? Defining, limiting the importance of my friends to me, and why do I seem to always fall short of the quality relationships I seek? & why am I always expecting others to be as pure as I want to be? Why am I always so diappointed in myself? Whatever made me think that I ever knew anything, let alone knew better? I have got to lighten up!

Because, it's showing on me, now. Hives, set jaw, tense shoulders, light shallow rapid breathing, a pained and strained facial expression that causes my friends & family to often ask me "What is wrong?" & "Do you have another headache?" & "Are you stopping to smell the roses?"& "Do you have a grip?" & "Lighten up, haven't you learned ANYTHING?" Words like that, or close to it...

So, tonite, I am seriously pursuing not seriously pursuing much of anything. I owe folks correspondence, but I am on purpose procrastinating, and hoping that they understand. There are lots of things I need to do, but not tonight..and tomorrow is Kick-Back Thursday, and with a little luck, I will keep it where it belongs, in a happy space. And get off early. Then, take those country roads home mid-afternoon, possibly even not encountering any other vehicles all the way to the highway... I will wind up this post, and have yet another piece of dark chocolate, and surf & have no worries, mon, no worries. For tonight & maybe even tomorrow.

Blog Stream after 10:00pm?
Yup, but for a limited time only.BUBBA DON'T DANCE OR ROCK N ROLL OR STAY UP PAST 10 ON A WORKNITE!

lEMME sum it up quickly. Inventory...9 hrs on my feet counting every piece of crappola in stock...7-4.no real breaks, lots of interruptions, lots of grown ups acting childish shouting out random numers as I tried to count & keep paper-work work.So tired.gotta go in early to try to tie up loose ends b4 11AM. need to crash. legs hurt. headache backing off after shower.

approval addiction. got it bad. do not reccomend it. I work & try far too hard for a joke of a paycheck.and always smile & never lose my temper, but, oh, I CAN come close

Bubba saw cardiologist today...going thru tests...hooked up to wires for 24 hr observation...alreay, the wires have fallen off 4 times. He duct taped the leads in place. He mowed the lawn with the push mower hooked up to his wired observer...played outside with the dogs. worked around the house. More tests tomorrow, another appt next Tues. He is not overly fond of his cardiologist, but must listen to me if he tries to diss doing the right thing.

so tired. gotta crash...
Thanks, Petey, I needed that...I am ending my day on a Monty Python note...cracks me up.."always look at the bright side of life...always look in the bright side of death..." Monty Python. Singular..the 1 & only...I need a round of roly-poly fish heads to get me goin 2morrow.

Eat them up. Yum!

2morrow, 2morrow, I'll love it, after 2morrow & IT'S ONLY A DAY AWAY!

When you work part of Sunday, Monday is not so bad...At least this one was pretty good. No pain, jockularity with my more jovial co-workers, and working at my own pace. But always, working. There is always something that needs to be done, could be done, ought to be done. And I am far more learned than I was in my youth. When I've had enough, I just put the rest of the world on hold & head for home-the place I always want to be. I have no problem with trying to do tomorrow what I could have done today..because I always want today to be the best that it can be. Hard work good, and hard work fine, but first, take care of head. My head is in it's best space at home. I love people..but I really love to be home.

Bubba's vital signs are good, but he is so easily drained of energy, and it makes him restless and unhappy that he is unable to retain his hyperactive life-style. He wants to be building things, working on the house, and he can't wait to start mowing the lawn again...yeah, opposite must surely attract. I don't care if he never finishes the house. We are warm in winter, cool in summer,& I have never been happier. I love to come home, nuke a Lean Cuisine, eat a lil chocolate, surf the Stream, play on the computer...TV in the background when he's home, too loud rock n roll when he is gone.

It been a thouroly enjoyable day. I had a lot of fun. But it's time for little old ladies to crash and prepare for the morrow. I again find myself procrastination some adult responsibilities simply because I want to get home as soon as possible, and stay there as long as possible. Full circle. There were days in my life when I spent all of my time going, going, going. Rock Concerts, bars, clubs, parties in other people's homes, seeing the sights seeking adventure...and now, I am so happy with the balance I find at home in Nowhere, Indiana. I have never been happier. Or more well-rested.