Lazy rainy day, feeling moody and lost in thought...

Last night we attended a viewing for Larry's brother's wife's mother, a woman my age, that I don't believe I have ever met before. She fought cancer for 10 years & was doing well & she was mowing the lawn the other day, she was doing so good...then, she hit a hornet's nest with the mower...had an allergic reaction to multiple stings, ate a handfull of Benedryl that took tooo long to work, and was on the cell with her husband as he raced home to help her, when she went into anaphalctic shock & died before he got to her. Ya just never know...

so, that was one fact, not really fun, but very factual...

a second fact is that it's going to rain all day, & I plan to stay in my jammies & watch" Buffy" & surf until the larger expected storms roll in & then, I'll keep my concious clear by getting off line & disconnecting wires with zapping abilities. I may or maynot hit the treadmill. I may or may not take a nap. or, I may just zone out in bed with my ipod. Bubba is watching Star Gate Atlantis in the living room(again) & we bring each other lil snacks & treats & we will spoil the dogs & each other & have a nice rainy day. I've got 2 cuddly dogs sleeping in bed with me now & it's mighty cozy right here in the house that Bubba built us. This is really nice, plesant & homey. a feeling of peace surround me & keeps me warm.

a third fact is that I may have to get off line for my own headspace, as well. It is not a huge headache, but it is a constant, annoying little bugger pounding softly & rythmically over my right eye with like a lil electical spike on down the top of my head. Being in my darkend room, with an ice pack & my ipod may lead to a nap, but it could also result in beating back the headche, so I can assure that it doesn't get any worse than is. About Buffied out for a bit, & could use an alternate perception of reality for restful reflection.

I had a friend stop by last week after I got off work. She had been up all night with an out-of-the-blue bad cold, & then, had had a business lunch which included alcohol, and then, she called me at 1pm, pretty inebriated & said she'd be stopping over soon. She didn't make it to my place for several hours & when she did, she quickly used my bathroom as a barfroom, & who knows what else? But when she left,but not without leaving me with a mighty tasty parting gift, as she is grateful that I will always be there for her (and I always will be!) I wasn't in a tasting mood Friday night, what with the viewing & dressing up & being proper & all...but now, it's a rainy afternoon at home.flirting with 4 pm, and I'm thinking I should get that ice pack & make the dark room all nice & comfy, and long about 4:20, do a lil taste testing, & then lie in bed & let my music take me over the hills and far away from the rythym in my head that is killing me softly in my head under the ice pack that I need to go get & place right there, now

Every cloud has a silver lining.
Every little thing she does is magic.
Never a rose without a thorn.
Soft rain on the windows, not slowing, not stopping, staying the course... of the evening.
My final parting Friday fact submitted as usual, fashionably late on Saturday Afternoon in a charecteristically cher-like fashion...I just fell asleep for a few seconds...Better go do what I need to do & do it with style, thus enjoying my rainy Saturday afternnon @ home with Bubba & the dogs. A cup of tea & a couple tylenol should hit the spot, then we will see what happens long about 4:20 or so. Knowing me, I'll be late. But since I am expecting it of me & don't really mind, it'll all be good. Most of the time, it is all good...most of the time...

I have no good reason why today was so much better than yesterday, but it was...for me anyway. I see the trap I fell prey to in another lifetime all around me, over & over again. The 29 yr old that i am traning this week has a spouse who did not believe she had to go to work today , thus made her stay home until I called to see if she was coming in. It amazes me, still, that there are so many possesive, paranoid people in the world & that these jerks are so successful in having good people fall in love with them. Then, they don't want what is best for those that they claim to love..whassup with that? It is always all about them...always in all ways.

I had a great session with Cecile, my therapist, today. Brought tea, talked & laughed...next week we will focus on just what I am afraid of in job hunting, & how to master those fears. It's hard for me to imagine the particular points that I allow to overwhelm me. Deep inside, I know the worst thing that will happen is that I don't get the job. Maybe when I took that vacation week & failed to use it hunting for a job, was just because I needed a vacation. More than likely, I was just not hungry enough to get my rear in gear. I get off work in the middle of the afternoon, & rush home to Bubba, who gets home about the same time. We laugh & spoil the dogs together & in spite of the fact that we don't have a lot of material possesions, we are one heck-a-happy couple.

We did get some material possesions over the weekend, though. Big overstuffed leather-like new recliners to replace our Red Foreman recliners from "That 70's Show." The store did not have 2 in the same color & we'd have to wait until the end of Oct., if we wanted to order twins, so we got didfferent colors, ever the slaves to instant gratification... Such absolute luxury, right there in the middle of my unfinished living room! I don't care if he never gets the house done. Today was the first day that we had to turn on some heat & as it was there, I can not ask for anymore out of life.

Colo tells me her Mother's life-long anger has been magnified in her old age...& looking @ Rene & Dad & my Mom, I am hopeful for me in my twilight years. I am usually in good spirits & music can usually kick me out of most bad moods. If my personality is magnified with age, I'm gonna do OK. I like having fun.

I called Mary Elizabeth last Friday. What a great feeling to reach out & touch someone. Bubba just got home from his Mom's, so I'm going to sign off & join him for "House", but let me part in the hope that ME & I stay in touch & continue to enrich our friendship. Such a good life...

Somebody at work yelled at me today. I yelled back. It was raining. My head hurt. It was not pretty. I have issues with anger-avoidance, I feel really bad inside when I express anger. It never, ever, ever feels good to me...not even justifiable anger feels good. It is just plain ugly any way you look at it in cher's world. I hate anger.

Maybe I yelled back because I am still angry at my crazy step-mother from Sunday's visit. Sure, she is suffering with myriad health afflictions, but she is so darn mean & ugly to my poor ol Dad. Everything is accusations of my 83 yr old half-blind, barely ambulatory father's sexcapades with the nursing staff & how the staff & my Dad plot to torture her & lock her away for hours... She is making the nurse's aids cry on a daily basis, in addition to having her slapping & punching at them & often hitting her mark. She was a jealous, possesive witch before,(a female version of my very paranoid very ex-spouse), and now, with dementia, she has magnified her paranoia & gone crazy with it. And, my Dad is just like me when I was stuck in that bizarro marriage. He just sits there & takes it. Not that anything would be accomplished by arguing with her, she just isn't there at all anymore & probably was pretty far gone to begin with. Dad, too has major anger-avoidance issues, & thus, I have allowed myself to not fall far from the tree. He has got to learn to leave where she is & wheel himself someplace else when she goes off the deep end, like she has been doing...but, he stays by her side forever futilly tying to get her to see reason and some semblance of reality. He is miserable with her, miserable without her. He is living out the end of his life in this twiight zone. I fear for what is left of his sanity ( multiple CVA's & alcohol have already strained his capacities)...this will not end well without thorazine...for one or both of 'em.

It rained all day. I felt like crap all day, until...I put on the headphones. & heard Bob Marley. and the rest of my tunes came tumbling down. & I put on my gym shoes & turned on the treadmill. Niel Young, Creedence Clearwater, Moody blues, Jerry Carcia, Carlos Santana...3 1/2 miles later...75 minutes spent in Rock n roll Heaven, dancing, prancing, hand weights and fancy two-steps...suddenly then, I found myself feeling better. Stronger. Calmer. In control of MY life. I will never sit there & watch my father eat crappola like that again...he thinks that he wants to be there for her... well, not on my time... When I visit & she is acting crazy like she was Sunday, I am taking my Daddy away from her for the remainder of my visit & spending it soley with him. That scene is so very close to how my marriage was...a paranoid insanity.

I kicked those vibes out of my life when I packed my car & left my ex. To see my Dad go thru what I went through, but in a bizarro geriatric nightmare setting...I just can't do it. Not on my time. Not when I visit. Never again.

You know me? Then, you know I run on "hippie tume," then. This lil random poll is floatin' 'round the net & I thought posting in for my fashionably late Friday Five would be fun...I like to be fun, so here goes:

5 jobs I have had in my life

1. Physical Therapy Technician
2. Ambulance Attendant(EMT)
3. Security Officer for Cummins Engine(lots of PR)
4. Plant Technician(went to well financed & decorated offices tending to & planting fabulous scenic flowery corners & overhangs making the place look as expensive as it was...)
5. Vending Attendant in breakrooms at factories(lousy pay, but having fun)

5 Nicknames that I have had

1. Speghetti Legged Long Legs
2. Funny Face
3. Bite Size
4. Sugar-Moose
5. dear(what Bubba calls me)

5 Movies I could watch over & over & over

1. "Harold & Maude"
2. "Pay It Forward"
3. "Master & Commander"
4. "What Dreams May Come"
5. "The Big Chill"

5 Places I have lived

1. Oakland, California
2. Columbus, Indiana
3. Coronado Island, San Diego, California
4. Portsmouth, New Hampshire & Kittery, Maine(You have to cross a street)
5. Bubba's Puppy Palace in Rural Southern Indiana

5 TV Shows that have me hooked

1. "House"
2. "My Name is Earl"
3. "CBS Sunday Morning"
4. "Law & Order Criminal Intent"
5. Our DVD library...we don't have cable... I really can't think of a fifth...we watch lots of DVDs over & over..."Stargate SG1", "Stargate Atlantis," "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer," "Columbo," "House" etc.

5 Places I have been on Vacation

1. Ensenada, Mexico
2. Bermuda
3. Puerto Rico
4. Cowpens, South Carolina
5. Back Home Again in Indaiana when I lived someplace else...

5 Favorite Foods

1. Dark Chocolate
2. Pepper Jack cheeses
3. Salmon
4. Peanut Butter (the kind you have to keep in the 'fridge & stir up. So very no more hydrongenated or partially hydrongenated PB for me.
5. any kind of fruit & veggies...melons, grapes, corn-on-the-cobb, grapes, pineapple, berries of all kinds, beans, nuts, bananas,
water chestnuts, asperagus, Baby corn, carrots, celery (w/PB),apples, pears, peas, fancy salad fixin's, oranges...anything remotely healthy...

5 Places I'd rather be

1. when I am at work I'd rather be home
2. when I am making my Sunday Rounds to the nursing homes & my wonderous family & friends, I'd rather be home
3. when I am shopping, I'd rather be home
4. when I am on vacation, I now, spend it at home
5. any time I am away...Bubba's Puppy Palce of Pleasures, my home, is where I would rather be

5 Thing in my life that have me hooked

1. Bubba & our dogs (and anybody else's dogs)
2. the Stream
3. the treadmill
4. I dig rock n roll music-really, any music. Music, music, music..
5. Being home with all of the above

Xtra Added Bonus...other people. I do love people. "They're my species.."

Gotta love a "Kickback Thursday". It is when I am caught up on my paperwork at work & I do all that is expected of me & more, & I be looking at the week end with a twinkle of anticipation in my eye.

My personal best on the treadmill is 4 1/2 miles in 96 minutes. But as I hurt so bad the next day, I allowed myself to skip it(plus it was Tuesday with my therapist & I just ran out of time)...Wednesday, I slowed down a bit & meant to stop after 30 minutes, but then Clapton was playing "Layla" on my ipod in my ears, then it was Carlos, then John Fohgerty , then John Mellencamp, then Don Henely, then The Eagles, then Van Morrison, with lots of Dead spicing up the joy in between, & before I knew it it was 100 minutes at a more sane pace & 4 miles even, & I had to force myself to cool off & stop. I can't tell you enough good things about my ipod. I woulda quit at 1/2 an hour, but the music never stopped, so I just kept on going. I'm 54- I won't always be able to do this, so I gotta seize the day, & keep it up while I can. My body is changing thanks to the effort-looking better than I have in the last 2 or 3 years... & feeling better once I conquer the AM aches & pains that are inevitable at my age. I do so want to keep up with this treadmill, thru the winter months especially. I haven't really lost a lot of poundage, but I seem to have moved it about to more appealing porportions, since Bubba brought this bad boy home. It is a very good rush. The more that I give the more that I get out of it...like so many things in life, and music make it all happen, like so many things in life.

So, I'm going to go get my ipod off the charger & charge forward again @ the treadmill when, normally I would continue to blog & surf the Stream. I may make a second entry today, as I miss it all so much, but will just have to see how things go. I'll for sure do my Friday Five no later than Saturday. I've been properly, completely disconnecting my computer & leaving it so, as Indiana has has such a stormy week. The storms are clearing as of this afternoon & the forecast is "gorgeous" for Finally Friday & the weekend. I've had a great week @ work training a real sweet young lady to work weekends & maybe get some time in working other plants for more hours. She quit he job @ the factory we are now vending for, as she is 27 with 6 kids & the 12 hour shifts were stressing her to the max...27, with 6 kids... 3 with her ex, & her new spouse came equipped with 3 kids-can you imagine? She smiles all the time, & as she knows all the people at our factory so she is having a great time with the job so far. It's been a fun week with her & the time has passed quickly.
If I procrastinate the treadmill any longer, I won't have anything to brag about tomorrow, so I best get on with it...I just wanna say, if anyone is considering purchasing an ipod in the near future, I say, "Just do it!" It has added so much inspiration & quality to my life & I have only downloaded my CD collection onto mine so far...someday, I will learn how to purchase songs from the itunes & download them. I still have room for 400 more tunes, and many, many more miles.