I like to live in the present whenever I can pull it off...today, I could. I never ceased to be chARMED WHEN REMINDED THAT WE CALL THE PRESENT is a present. Today was a gift from God.

DAd's pneumonia hAS CONSIDERABLY lessened._(geez...migraiine with ice packs is making for some intresting printing & words-bear with me, here.)

hE WAS SO AWARE, TODAY. iNTUBATED WITH a sense of humor. I played a Duke Ellington CD, he was conducting the music with his restrained good hand, smiling around, smiling around the intubation tube. This was such A GOOD DAY for him. My migraine raged & I just rolled with it, my heart soaring as I hummed & sang softly with the music. squeezing my hand 3 times..."I LOve YOU". he wrote on a clipboard asking for football on the tube.

he's in big pain(well over 1/2 of his bowel removed) but gets frequent small doses of sister morphine(not on a drip).

HE IS SO BRAVE. SUCH A FIGHTER. TODAY WAS SUCH AN UNEXPECTED GREAT DAY. HE was concerned for my headache, many times indicating for me to rest my head, without letting loose of holding my hand. they may extubate him tomorrow or Wed. if he continues to do good like this.

I gotta rest my migraine. today was a miracle, tomorrow, of course, remains a mystery. everything and nothing has changed...today, they changed for the better., I believe.

thank you for your thoughts & prayers, Streamsters...today, God said"Yes"

gotta rest. and breathe. and sleep. and take tomorrow as it comes...as do we all.

Blood gases show that he prob had a heart attack, though the ekg looks good. Spiked a temp. Moved to ICU. Docs say we kids need to pace ourselves. Not happening

Bubba & I are leaving for town. It's my turn to take the watch

I keep saying them, hearing them...they run rampant through my head...my heart.
It's a cancer...we will not know if it has metasisized until the end of the week. They removed so much of him. Out of the OR, his vital signs were stable when I left. The drive home took forever. Christmas lights through tears. Disjointed thoughts. Overwhelming pain engulfing my heart, my head, my body.

One can never know great joy without knowing great pain.

He has lead a long and full life. A good life.

Everything that lives, dies.

The young doc says he's "doing really well for an old guy."

In order to qualify for rehab @ the hospital after surgery, he has to be able to tolerate 3 hours of physical therapy every 24 hours. He couldn't take 5 minutes before surgery.

They will send him home to die.

They will resusitate should he code, but the family will say "When", as his living will dicates no proceedures that would prolong life through extrodinary, burdensome means.

It's not dark yet, but it's getting there. As every painful, weary moment p[asses...it's getting there

Breathe. Breathe in in deeply through your nose, then slowly, slowly exhale as long as you comfortably can.

keep the faith.

persevere.

believe

My Daddy. Oh dear God...don't hurt my Daddy anymore.

So tired...Dad is under the knife as I blog...a bowel stricture of presently unknown orgin is a2 the root of all this...it could be the big C, it could be a twisted bowel, it could be lots of things. We are the only family here & we are waiting it out

Biding my time 'til I get in my truck to drive to the Hospital & arrive noonish to try & coincide my visit with as many brother's & sisters visits as well. A strange, yet familiar place these days for mini-family reunions. My 83 yr old Dad has a dangerous bowel obstruction...he is already frail, we will know if they feel he can handle surgery (not your most primo of candidates) should he require it Christmas Day or so. He's had constant hiccups for more than 3 days and nights, but his winning personality has already endeared him to the nursing staff. He memorized a new joke to tell (and re-tell) the nurses & docs before they put him in the ambulance...

"Two cashews were walking down the street, when suddenly one was assaulted." Get it? Assaulted...a salted...get it?

Last time he was in the hospital the joke of the hour (every hour) was:

"Did you hear about the easy Egyptian girl? Now, she's a mummy!" Get it? Mummy...Mommy? He's a crowd pleaser, my Dad. He has always been the personification of that unnamed 1940's cartoon character in the middle of that cartoon party asking, "Is everybody happy?" I get that alot from him...I too, wish that I caould make everybody happy. "I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company..."

It so sucks to be poor at this merry season. So sucks.

My therapist Cecile tells me that I am very brave to save what little money I have, and not blow it on frivolous gifting. I dunno. I plan to give a modest monetary gift to each of my 3 nephews & my lil niece...but, even that makes me feel like a bum. I know that none of it really matters. They have more aunts & uncles & grandparents and great grandparents, than I have even ever met that will be gifting them...The whole thing...jeeez...Again, all I want for Christmas is for it to be over. I have four days off...the only time that the factory closes for four days, or any days, for that matter. Looks like most of my days off will be at the hospital. Worked Thanksgiving & will work New Years, and that's not that big a deal, as working is a sort of therapy to get past this time of year. I've almost always worked all the Holidays all my adult life. Sometmes I can get a little spirit goin' on, but most of all, I always feel inadequate and a disappointment. Now, in spite of some optimisim that may be parading as denial,(or is it the other way around?) I feel in addition to the aforementioned stress & sadness, more-than-the-usual worry and concern for my Dad...I know the realities of the situation. I like to think that I have made my peace with our mortality, but I cannot seem to make peace with the suffering that I know comes with living. I'm just not that advanced. I cannot seem to learn or accept the inevitablity of suffering-it always devastates me to see, and collapes me from within to go through pain and suffering myself. Wednesday's migraine after inventory during days of non-stop rain, put me to bed craving unconciousness from 2pm until Thursday @ 6AM, and believe me, I suffered beaustifully throughout the storm in my head & the one outside my window.

But those storms passed, as will these. One way or the other, they will eventually pass. "God grant me the serenity..."

I am having trouble praying lately. Can you help me? I'd appreciate any help. Any prayers for my wonderful, crazy old parents...even for my Mom's ex best friend who has been my stepmother all of my adult life...Rene is sunken into Alzheimer's/Parkinson's dementia completely delusional, with many paranoid hallucinationic episodes. Any prayers.Prayers for my Mom who only gets out of bed to smoke cigarettes, but last Sunday she used her cigarette as a maestro baton leading us in singing Christmas carols outside the nursing home. We sang together beautifully out of tune, yet in our own harmony, each of us trapped in our seperate realites. Calling all prayers. "Calling All Angels."

I gotta git to the hospital, now. It is what it is, as it will be what it will be. And I am tougher than I act, and I will roll with the punches. It is what must be done. God's will be done.