I'm on the treadmill almost daily...anywhere between a minimum of 30 mins to roughly 100 minutes...my personal best was 123 minutes. I couldn't do it without my ipod which keeps me dancing & marching with Santana, The Dead, Steely Dan, Tom Petty, John Fogerty, Simon & Garfunkel, The Moody Blues, Eric Clapton, Dan Fogelberg, Bob Marley, ekoostik hookah, The Shantee, The Eagles, James Taylor & many, many others. I've almost lost 2 dress sizes, depending on who's making the clothes & the sizes they decide to call 'em. It is time consuming-gotta stretch & get into the mindset before you start, then you gotta stick with it as long as you possibly, comfortably can, and then recover, shower etc.

Thus, there is little time for blogging.

My good buddy/best friend Deb has lost an entire person of weight thru yoga, wt lifting & hula hooping. She gets these weighted hula hoops of all different weights & sizes, & some small ones made for working on her arms. She can dance while hula hooping. Well, she brow beat me into checking it out Sunday & proclaimed me "a natural", & thus, I have ordered myself one done in 3 different shades of purple(purple, the color of change), & I plan to spend some time in our privacy fenced in patio @ home as the weather warms & cop some rays while working on my abs & getting a lil vitamin D while learning do dance while hoopin. My ipod will remain essential to my work out. Music, sweet music has kept me soothed & inspired all of my life. Long may it reighn!

So, I gotta go fit what time I can in tonite, trying to do the right thing for my tomorrows. It ain't for sissies, but I'm gettin' it. Have had to buy clothes in smaller sizes & I get more sweet talk from friends, family & Bubba than ever before. Gotta be doin' somethun' right for a change. Determined to stick with it & MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

I'll still blog. But, obviously, not as often as when I started. Got to start my truckin' like a doo-dah woman...catch ya later, gator!

I read somewhere that Stephen King's advice to those with writer's block to "just write."

I'm trying.

This gettin'old stuff ain't for sissies...I can feel changes in my brain. And I don't like 'em. And only I can redirect them. Exercise, diet, positive thinking.

I keep screwing up. Proves I'm human.

I'm a human with winter blues & writer block.

Bubba wants to spend some quality time with me. I gotta prioritize. He is so unfond of the computer...but I must sieze the opportunity to be his companion & QUAALITY time. I'll have to try again later.

Not bad, not bad at all...

So, I get headaches...so what? ...in one way or another, to one point or another, in one form or another, who dosen't?

My folks have literally lived to a ripe old age, and the pain & stress we are going through as they fade, remains a blessing in disguise (sometimes, a really clever disguise).

I have such a good life.

My job is a pisser. But I have such fun! I joke, YAK, listen to My tunes on my ipod... I tell stories and make friends. Today, I got to tell sories of Fat Tuesday celebrations at Grateful Dead Shows in my younger daze...

I want for nothing. I am warm at night, and well fed, surrounded by family,love, music, dance, entertainment, books, movies, people, places and things...I've got it going on.

I've been in a funk. Glued to "Law & Order" DVD's. Not exercising. Bummed about small stuff...AND I KNOW BETTER!!!!!!!!!! DUDE, I HAVE NOT BEEN BLOGGING...WHASSUP WITH THAT? That ain't the me that I want to be...nowhere near....I realize that sometimes one has to go through that to get to this...like the ebb & flow of the tide, I've got to get it back together...come back out the other side of it... Let me back at it...L-I-V-E, Live!

I had a great Valentines...Bubba bought me orange tulips & forget them over night in truck & they froze. Cecile, my therapist, thinks I should salvage the bulbs from the trash(they were vased for three hopeful, unfruitful days...) & plant 'em Bubba sez that we already planted them, & they will eventually improve the fragrance of our local landfill. Yup...he's got it goin' on!. He also got me some chocolates, and we shared. Then, on Saturday, he took me to "Ghostrider", and then Applebee's. Does it get any better? I doubt it. & if it does, I don't need it. This is perfect.

I'm still driving the red Silverado he co-signed for me last year ("Dear, I bought you a truck"" he says peeking his head around the corner interupting a past blog... out of the blue...he never asked or told me that he was going to get me a new truck...he just went out one Saturday & got it, & then came home & announced it...just of the wild blue yonder, "I bought you a truck," sez he in his deep Southern drawl.

I had a bad marriage. It is in my past. I learned from it. Life is for learning. I'm OK now, better than OK...I am happy.

We have these 3 great dogs...Peggy Sue (a bonafide Slobberboxer), Rex,(my Mom's dog from before she had to go to a nursing home, he's a Spitz-mix sweetheart), and Ramble On Rose,(a rather vocal Wiener Retriever). They are adorably affectionate with each other & Bubba & I.

Not a movie star. Not a competitor in the business world, Not a lady wrestler. Not a jeweler. Not a factory worker. No dog sleds. No diamonds. No power, no money. Lots of humillity. Lots of love. Lots of adventures. A healthy daily dose of rock n roll. A treadmill in my living room. Happily, a working kitchen sink...in a house that my boyfriend/sinificant other built for me from the foundation up all by himself. On an acre in Southern Indiana that he fenced in to keep our beloved mutts secure & happy( with a hand-held post hole digger-he fenced in an acre!), then, he lay cement, so that I could have a patio. On pleasant Sunday evenings, we sit on the patio & burn the trash, We have a little square of Hershey's Dark Chocolate cuz "they" said it was healthy to eat just a lil bit o chocolate everyday, and we happily fell for it. We burn the trash and watch the sun set. The dogs walk back & forth at our feet, fat & happy...it's very romantic,and it's a good life.

One cannot know great joy, unless one knows great pain. You've got to go thru Hell before you get to Heaven. Live a life less odinary, drink from the cup of life deeply. Home is where the heart is. And they all lived happily ever after.

I will be sad & despondent, again. Not now, but later. I will be stressed, sad, whinny, depressed, joyfull, comforted, sorrowful, heart broken, comedic, dancing, crying, giggling, sniffling, sick, healthy, hungry, tired, happy, wry, cynical, silly, wise, and studid. I will live the many layers of this mysterious gift of life, and I WILL BENEFIT FROM THE EXPERIENCE...that's what it's all about.

I visit the folks in their nursing homes. Sometimes, the sadness is unbearable and I can only sit in the parking lot and cry, trying to find the nerve to take the next step.

Today, was a good day all around. Mom was in good humor & despite some misgivings, she agreed that 3 degree weather with a wind chill factor of -15, was not condusive to enjoying a quick cigarette. I reached over and caressed her face before I realized what I was doing. She asked, "What did you do that for?" and I spoke without thinking and told her "This is the face of my beloved Mother, and it is so precious to me...I just had to touch it. You don't mind it do you, Mom?" and she glowed and told me, "Not when you follow it up with sweet talk like that, I don't mind." We looked into each others eyes, both of us brimming over with tears of love. That moment...was a gift from God and I hope to treasure the memory many years from now.

I found Dad & Rene in the hallway outside of their rooms, asleep in their wheelchairs. Again, the tears of joy & love accompanied my arrival. They were aching and tired, so I nabbed a coupla Aides & we got them into bed with deep sighs of relief & comfort. Found the channel for the Superbowl, visited awhile, and, then I left without drama.

This day was a blessing, a show of God's grace, a gift. As was the Sunday that Dad & I cried for an hour during our last visit, a gift. Good days, bad days, they are nonetheless days... given to me by the Grace of God. And I am comforted, consoled, and today, I can again find some semblence if inner peace, some iota of contentment in this, the natural order of living my life. I am the eldest daughter in my wonderful family. I have a place in this world, a duty to perform and a life to live to the best of my ability. This week, I am doing better than I was last week. Next week remains mysterious, full of the known & the unknown, and I must weather whatever I encounter with courage, kindness, and dignity.

I want to thank Mokie Joe, my baby brother for his words of promise...I am grateful for the words of faith and encouragement from my adopted brother, Billyjones...Lucy, Azron, Colo, Mary Elizabeth, and oh, so many other caring souls. I am unable to sit still for very long, and my participation on the Stream is suffering a temporary decline. I hope to find the time & the words to thank all of you who murmmered a prayer or commented words of comfort and kindness in more personal commentary in the near future. Right now, I spend 3-5 miles on the treadmill to work off some of the stress. I've lost weight & wear jeans two sizes smaller than I did 2 yrs ago, & even the new size is still plenty baggy & I may soon have to buy even smaller clothes on my meager salary.

Speaking of work, I got the best inventories in my region for last month, and overall for the entire year. They gave me a $20 Wally World gift card(Yippee!) & said they wished they had 100 employees just like me...yeah,100 folks dumb enough to show up for work and kick ass doing a great job & still get payed under $8 an hour. I'm burning out fast & ready to walk. One more anxiety attack like I had for the last inventory,& I will be forced to quit for the sake of my health. I really scared myself last month...hyperventilating, burping, and crying and counting, counting, counting. I called up my doc & begged some Busporine that I had stopped taking because of the outrageous expen$e..it's an anti-anxiety med & I am so looking forward to it kicking in come the next week to 10 days or whatever. I have learned enough about myself to know when I need help with getting a grip, and I am not afraid to ask for help. My brain chemisty has changed with middle age & better living through chemistry is the best I can hope for. I'll have to take a day off & see my Doc soon & apply for PPA to help pay for the stuff...costs more than I make in a week and a half. But the paperwork required, the organizational skills required to have the doc fill his out correctly & my own filled out accordingly-well, it just flips me out & I never get it right the first time. But I will get 'er done. It is what needs to be done, and I'll do it.

I'll do the best that I can do on many fronts. Often, I will fall on my ass. But I will get up, and I will keep trying, and I will be strong for my family and my friends and my beloved Bubba...I'm gonna be OK. I insist.

Srtarting with me.

My last visit to visit my folks was so tough. Dad crying the whole visit, Mom bundled up, shivering with the cold because one cannot visit Mom without taking her out for her precious cigarette. After the visits, I stopped at my sister Jan's, and cried myself a river. Conversations are difficult, often one-sided as they forget what we were talking about in the midst of any given sentence.

Then, Tuesday after the visit, monthly inventoy pushed me off the cliff. The inventory means nothing...just a part of the job. But I worked & tried & stressed to the point of hyperventilation. For the majority of Tues afternoon, and the most of Wednesday, I couldn't catch my breath. Me, the Queen of Deep Breathing...I could not follow my own advice. In danger of losing my senzse of humor, of beauty, of love of life. I'm better now, but still healing. Nervous to the point of being rediculous. I can breathe again, but my beloved music rattles my nerves. Mornings that are graced with sparkling snow only make me bitch & moan & fear the road conditions, the actions of fellow drivers that don't respect the slick spots. Is this more mid-life crisis crappola? I am better, but I am not good. I am not myself. The littlist bits of bull that used to amuse me, are suddenly full tilt boogie attacks on my nervous system. I can't blog...look how much time has lapsed since my last post. I've tried to post many times lately, but all I can do is...grieve. Daddy is still here, but that hour we spent crying together-that was Father & Daughter grieving the inevitable. I will miss him so much...I already miss him in so many ways. His dementia, his health, his future...they are all so out of control. Control, I guess is always an illusion. I'm so sad & nervous all of the time. I never miss an appt with Cecile who tells me that this is only the begining of my grieving process. I thought I had skipped some stages and gone sraight to acceptance, but again, I was only fooling myself.

This is the natural order of things. This is life...with death impending. Everyday," shorter of breath and one step closer to death.

But Cecile inspires me. I told her I was having difficulty praying-I just never feel worthy of God's love. Cecile tells me that I know better. And without preaching, she tilted her head and smiled and said,"Jesus did not lie. He said I will be with you, always." He is with my Dad, my Mom, my siblings, Bubba,and me. It never occurred to me to doubt the Word of Jesus-I didn't know what I was thinking, but I never thought Jesus lied. I figured mankind had twisted & toyed with His teachings through the years...but the basic Son of God, prophet of Divine Love...I have never doubted Jesus. Her assurances comfoted me & that night I slept for the first time in 2 weeks. But again, I fing the comfort fading, the sorrow recurring. This is not the way I want to live my life. I've got to do better than this. I am so sad & so nervous all of the time. I am sure that I will do better, and then worse & then better again. But it is Hell on earth going through this.

Why can't I post something happy? Into each life, the rain must fall? CABIN FEVER? wINTER DOLDRUMS? Or are my parents just going crazy(dementia crazy) waiting to die, and I find myself unable to roll with the punches, sitting here "watching the world go round and round). I used to think that I was brave, realistic, savvy. Now i know that I am a middle aged little girl in the midst of losing her Mom & Dad.

I have Bubba to come home to. He makes me laugh. He loves me. But still, my heart is in pain that knows no end. My cup of anxiety runneth over, until it manifests itself with gross inablities to even breathe normally.

I wish the tears would not come so quickly, so easily. I wish I could be as strong as I need to be. I wish I could do better. I wll try. & I will keep trying to pray. What a crazy way to live this life of mine.