I keep saying them, hearing them...they run rampant through my head...my heart.
It's a cancer...we will not know if it has metasisized until the end of the week. They removed so much of him. Out of the OR, his vital signs were stable when I left. The drive home took forever. Christmas lights through tears. Disjointed thoughts. Overwhelming pain engulfing my heart, my head, my body.

One can never know great joy without knowing great pain.

He has lead a long and full life. A good life.

Everything that lives, dies.

The young doc says he's "doing really well for an old guy."

In order to qualify for rehab @ the hospital after surgery, he has to be able to tolerate 3 hours of physical therapy every 24 hours. He couldn't take 5 minutes before surgery.

They will send him home to die.

They will resusitate should he code, but the family will say "When", as his living will dicates no proceedures that would prolong life through extrodinary, burdensome means.

It's not dark yet, but it's getting there. As every painful, weary moment p[asses...it's getting there

Breathe. Breathe in in deeply through your nose, then slowly, slowly exhale as long as you comfortably can.

keep the faith.

persevere.

believe

My Daddy. Oh dear God...don't hurt my Daddy anymore.

So tired...Dad is under the knife as I blog...a bowel stricture of presently unknown orgin is a2 the root of all this...it could be the big C, it could be a twisted bowel, it could be lots of things. We are the only family here & we are waiting it out

Biding my time 'til I get in my truck to drive to the Hospital & arrive noonish to try & coincide my visit with as many brother's & sisters visits as well. A strange, yet familiar place these days for mini-family reunions. My 83 yr old Dad has a dangerous bowel obstruction...he is already frail, we will know if they feel he can handle surgery (not your most primo of candidates) should he require it Christmas Day or so. He's had constant hiccups for more than 3 days and nights, but his winning personality has already endeared him to the nursing staff. He memorized a new joke to tell (and re-tell) the nurses & docs before they put him in the ambulance...

"Two cashews were walking down the street, when suddenly one was assaulted." Get it? Assaulted...a salted...get it?

Last time he was in the hospital the joke of the hour (every hour) was:

"Did you hear about the easy Egyptian girl? Now, she's a mummy!" Get it? Mummy...Mommy? He's a crowd pleaser, my Dad. He has always been the personification of that unnamed 1940's cartoon character in the middle of that cartoon party asking, "Is everybody happy?" I get that alot from him...I too, wish that I caould make everybody happy. "I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company..."

It so sucks to be poor at this merry season. So sucks.

My therapist Cecile tells me that I am very brave to save what little money I have, and not blow it on frivolous gifting. I dunno. I plan to give a modest monetary gift to each of my 3 nephews & my lil niece...but, even that makes me feel like a bum. I know that none of it really matters. They have more aunts & uncles & grandparents and great grandparents, than I have even ever met that will be gifting them...The whole thing...jeeez...Again, all I want for Christmas is for it to be over. I have four days off...the only time that the factory closes for four days, or any days, for that matter. Looks like most of my days off will be at the hospital. Worked Thanksgiving & will work New Years, and that's not that big a deal, as working is a sort of therapy to get past this time of year. I've almost always worked all the Holidays all my adult life. Sometmes I can get a little spirit goin' on, but most of all, I always feel inadequate and a disappointment. Now, in spite of some optimisim that may be parading as denial,(or is it the other way around?) I feel in addition to the aforementioned stress & sadness, more-than-the-usual worry and concern for my Dad...I know the realities of the situation. I like to think that I have made my peace with our mortality, but I cannot seem to make peace with the suffering that I know comes with living. I'm just not that advanced. I cannot seem to learn or accept the inevitablity of suffering-it always devastates me to see, and collapes me from within to go through pain and suffering myself. Wednesday's migraine after inventory during days of non-stop rain, put me to bed craving unconciousness from 2pm until Thursday @ 6AM, and believe me, I suffered beaustifully throughout the storm in my head & the one outside my window.

But those storms passed, as will these. One way or the other, they will eventually pass. "God grant me the serenity..."

I am having trouble praying lately. Can you help me? I'd appreciate any help. Any prayers for my wonderful, crazy old parents...even for my Mom's ex best friend who has been my stepmother all of my adult life...Rene is sunken into Alzheimer's/Parkinson's dementia completely delusional, with many paranoid hallucinationic episodes. Any prayers.Prayers for my Mom who only gets out of bed to smoke cigarettes, but last Sunday she used her cigarette as a maestro baton leading us in singing Christmas carols outside the nursing home. We sang together beautifully out of tune, yet in our own harmony, each of us trapped in our seperate realites. Calling all prayers. "Calling All Angels."

I gotta git to the hospital, now. It is what it is, as it will be what it will be. And I am tougher than I act, and I will roll with the punches. It is what must be done. God's will be done.

Christmas time...something wrong with me. I make it harder than it has to be. I just wish I could do more, be more, spend more, buy more. What do I want for Christmas? I want it to be over. It ain't sparkly, shiny, or purty, but it is what it is. I will visit Bubba's family on Friday night. It will be nice enough...his ex will be there, though...she's a good Grandma to her Grandkids, but somewhat similar to Lucy's delimma, she's never had a job for more than a coupla wks & she lives off the alimony he will pay her until God Knows When. He never complains...we are not hungry, and we are warm at night, & have 3 fat & happy dogs, but it obviously does not stimulate any tidings of comfort & joy...she dosen't exsist for him, he looks right through her & never speaks to her. It makes for strained vibes. Like Lucy, I never chased my ex around for money...I just wanted to be out of my marriage & learn from my mistakes. I am thankful that I will never see him again, though I do mostly forgive him cuz we were both young, and he has some bona fide mental health issues that he will always be too short-sighted, short-tempered, and stubborn to ever work on...thankful that he is not my problem, and over joyed that Bubba is no problem. I got him some DVD's & a pocket knife Made In America...but I just can't afford much else.

Christmas Day afternoon, Bubba & I will see as many members of my family as we can without allowing the visits to stress. My family agreed to no gifts,(I do so hope that there are no surprises), just getting together, and that will be nice...but I wish I could do more.

I allow guilt to creep into my headspace for The Holidays, though I know gifting is not neccesary. It would just feel so much better if I could. Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda, all the live long day.

I must stop wasting time bumming myself out over things I cannot control. I knew I shoulda watched, "It's A Wonderful Life" intead of crashing @ 8:30 pm so I could have a good day at my dead-end job...

At our last session, I said something to Cecile, my therapist, that she made me stop & write down..."I am endevouring to rediscover my feelings of empowerment." It made me feel stronger to allow myself to be angry & to voice that anger to my old fair weather friend. I feel stronger to put that relationship behind me. I need to keep making similar steps...to relax and the Hoidaze just come & go...to quit my job with the next insult to my intelligence...to just plain find that fiesty old strength that I found & lost so long, after my divorce. I really liked that stong me, then. I had many adventures because of that strength then and will endeavour to repeat history again as soon as possible. As I recall, it has a lot to do with being healthy. So, I'm winding this bad boy of a post up & headed for the treadmill with my inspirational ipod. Goal: just to match my personal best @ 100 minutes, flirtin' with 5 miles. Inventory @ work tomorrow & I will have more energy then,if I expend a healthy amount of energy tonite. It's kinda Karmic...the more I give, the more I get back. Hopefully, it will improve my Holiday downer...I know that it will only always help. But I gotta force myself to do it, lookee how I am procrastinating with this post! Gotta go giterdone, so see ya', here goes...

Let's just go with this concept for a joy ride around the proverbial block.

IF I stop people from manipulating me, a lot of folks are not going to like it. I'm an easy-goin' kinda gal when I give others control over my situations, and I best try to prepare myself for thier initial discomfort stemming from a change in my behavior. I, myself, am uncomfortable with situations that will require me to act more boldly than what I feel my norm is. But the norm for me seems to be showing more & more unacceptable behavior patterns that are counterproductive to me living my best life.

Giving voice to the strength that cathardic incidents have recenntly produced makes me feel different...and I wonder what else I can do do change my life for the better.

Maybe, if I just shrug off the comercial expectations of the Season, if I took definitive steps toward enjoying a few days off, and abandon guilt, as indeed, I am dwelling below poverty level, maybe I could just enjoy Christmas. I have no children that will suffer because I don't have the bucks to buy them designer crappola. I have a present for the man I love & that's it. I'm done. Fruit salad for the Christmas gathering @ my sister's Christmas Day, & we can watch her grandchildren open presents(more than they can keep track of). Christmas Eve will prob be spent @ Bubba's youngest son's...more cute lil someone else's kids, to go watch those kids be happy , pig-out, and allow myself to enjoy myself? Lighten up, it's Christmas!!! If life is indeed change, then I should defintely change the way I feel about Christmas. If I go Christmas visiting, the laughter of my prescense will have to be present enough, and I'm thinking, the new self-assured me just may be able to pull that off! And if I don't pull it off, the worst that could happen is that I'll always wish that i had pulled it off.

Cecile & I are working at different ways to empower myself, giving close examination to my approval seeking behavior that results in expected conflicted feelings of guilt and feelings of unworthiness. I know in my heart that I am a worthy person, but have allowed narcesisstic manipulators to plant seeds of doubt deep in my psyche, that there must be something amiss with me as I failed to be the woman/wife/girlfriend that they felt that they deserved.I'll spare you the stories, but humiliation has always peaked it's ugly face into my life throughout my life...not pretty enough, not smart enough, not strong enough. Now, I feel humiliated all over again that I let their limited opinions limit the quality of my life.

Bubba just pulled in with my Friday salad from McD's...we're poor, but happy. 4 times this week, 100 minutes, 5 miles on the treadmill. Now, I'm holding out for chocolate!

TGIF

Sat is my only day off until the eve of Christmas Eve.

Hopefully, will surf the Stream on the morrow, when not tread-heading or pretending to do housework...