Rainy days, headachey days, day after day, better today. This afternoon's sunshine changed my outlook for the better

Have running H20 in my kitchen sink(cool!) and maybe this week, Bubba will hook up the drainage system for that bad boy, and we will be sailin'! It's the little things that give life the comfort of satisfaction. This is a luxury that will not be downplayed any time soon.

Flirted with ceasing Prozac, cuz I am so happy-how could I be depressed? It is easier to become depressed without it, I find. I was unhappy to discover a shyness that I had held in check when I felt better. Words would fail me, if you can imagine that(Bubba can't).

We have spent some big buck$ lately on DVD Sci-Fi box sets...we are happy lil nerds, suspending disbelief wnenever possible. We prefer that world to politics, sports & organized religion, but that's just us.

We are still doing really good together. We are kind to one another, and you cannot place a face value on something like that. Our parents are still characters, but they seem to have plataued for the time being. That makes me realize that these, are indeed, the good ol' days. Friday...movie night..."Gallectica 2.5 "until we inevitably part company for the World Series when I shall retire to the bedroom with even more "Buffy." All too soon, I will long for the simplicity we now take for granted. "It's not dark yet, but it's gettin there..."

1. I missed all of the drama last wkend. I think I've pieced together some of the more pivotal concepts of what went on, I don't really need to know the gory details. It is horrible enough that things went so sour that Lucy deactived her blog. I love Lucy...I can only hope (and pray) that she will come back to the Stream someday. I don't know where else to go with this. Trying to process what I missed & what I think I've caught up on has overly preoccupied my day to the point of pain. I need a nice feather pillow on which to rest my aching heead.

2. 93 minutes, 4.5+ miles, at a rather rapid pace, thinking deep thoughts, finding answers in song lyrics, trucking like a doo-da woman, all the doors opening from the side I'm on, and no matter how hard I push against those doors, like on the treadmill, I wind up where I started from (some old Cat Stevens songs on my ipod soothed me some & made some sense...) Feathers would just have stuck to my sweaty body, this a 25 minute shower until the hot water was long gone, and the cool/cold water ended up renewing my energy to try & salvage my day in real time, with my real Bubba and my real K9 children. I can't wait to crazh softly into bed after finishing this awkward post.

3. Major Friday drama @ my workplace Friday afternoon. The girl that was covering weekends approached me, telling me she had to quit because she was no longer allowed on the factory's property. From what I gathered, her husband beat the crap out of her Thurs night & she got a restrainng order against him, but she still is caring for his 2 kids & her 4. The father of her children is is prison. Dunno why, none of my biz. But I do know that if we do not learn from our mistakes, we repeat them. Her 2nd present husband has always treated her much like her fist spouse did. She wanted to quit vending & get her factory job back so that she again be covering her bills...factory mgmt told her she would not be re-hired. It was the feather that broke that Mama's cool...she exploded in the front lobby shouting that they would not trhire her because she had had an affair w/one of the big deal mgmt guys & had ended up aborting his baby, which he denied with profane language & ordered her off the property. She didn't leave. She went down to the smokeshack/employee entrance/breakroom & loudly decried a repeat performance of all the hollering that had gone on in the lobby, all over again for anyone who stood still long enough to listen. No matter the reasons, I, again, know not everything that went on. I was happier being ignorant, before getting the bits & pieces I learned. I is her drama. I have to work Sundays again. It ate up a lot of my Friday. Stream Strangeness ate up too much of my Saturday. Treadheaded a great deal of stress out of my system.

4. Bubba has started the installation of the internal plumbing of our kitchen sink...drilled, installed some pipes, made holes for future pipes(he has to run some pipe up tO the attic he tells me for a trap that building permits officialdom requires). It will nnot be done today,nor this weekend. But his virus has receeded enough for him to work on the sink, and then, to burn our weekly trash for a li quiet romantic reflection, while watching the sun set & the full moon start to rise, while the K9 kids walked quietly about enjoying the quiet vibes.

5. I'm tired. Bubba's tired. My sisters, in their pains, are tired. My cyber friends are tired. My old friends are tired. My crazy parents are already asleep. I go now, to bed, to rest my mucles, bones & brain, not neccesarily in that order. To sleep, perchance to dream, perchance some sweet dreams...and then, in the morning, to awaken, as Daisy & Lucy have taught me to do today...tomorrow...and, hopefully, I will remember to continue to awaken every day for the rest of my charmed life.

Full Moon Fever...It does exsist, if you look for it, and allow it to happen. At least, I'm dealing with it this weekend, so far.

But I have to work tomorrow. Then, make my rounds in my hometown 30 some miles down the highway. I have a feeling that this Fever will not subside for me anytime soon. I'm going to sleep on it as long as I can. I'm going to keep the faith, and remember to awaken.

You could knock me over with one.

Bubba has a mega sore throat and all the classic rhinovirus symtoms. I couldn't help myself day before yesterday when I latched on to his neck and nibbled on his ear. Now, I've got his sore throat with all the accompanying weakness, pains & fever. I have no more sick days(used up all 5) & as there is really no one to cover for me, I'll be going to work along with all the other folks who have been coming in with their own brands of the Creeping Crud. It's that time of year. Leaves one feeling especially suseptible to being easily knocked over.

I've recently been in contact with a dear old friend from Rock Med. in S.F. Andie is a nurse who epitomized the concept of professional volunteers that initally made Rock Med the marvel that it was when I was allowed to join them in their ventures. She has been updating me on that ol gang o' mine, and closed her last e-mail with words to the effect that "all the men at Rock Med had crushes" on me. Me? No Way. Get out. She's got to be kidding. Who had a crush on me? I haven't a clue. I think that I look like a chubby Stan Laurel with shoulder- length stringy, blond hair. I had a few dates with Noodles after my divorce from HP. And one with Charlie. That's about it. I cannot imagine who on earth could have had a crush on me... I happily went over 3 years without a date when I lived in my hovel in downtown Oakland. And now, I am told that some of those guys liked me & never called me? The idea that one or more of those great guys (many of whom I found attractive) that gave their time & talents to helping hurtin' kids at rock shows(qualities I've always admired) verbalized to others that they liked me, but never let me know it, well, it blows me away.

Of course, there was Sean. We had a good thing goin' on for awhile. At least, I thought so. But he was the exception to so many rules...

I'm thinking that maybe Andie said that to help my battle for self esteem. I dunno. She wouldn't lie. But...crushes? On me? Who knew? Geeez, I wish I liked myself better, then, and now. It never ceases to be amazed to learn that other folks do...

I did 5 1/4 miles last night, ol' Treadhead that I am. It took 118 minutes, so no wonder I feel achey today. Bubba is pretty sick & no doubt, I will soon follow suit, but maybe not just yet.

So, today was my "Kick-back Thursday"...almost always, it is garaunteed to be a good work day. When my delivery driver appeared unexpectedly, it was no big thing. The young man was just working ahead so that he could get off early Friday, which is cool, cuz, maybe that way, I will get off earlier as well. I was helping him unload supplies when, he glances over at me sideways and says "You had better be on your toes tomorrow(Fri), I overheard that 3 or 4 of the big bosses are coming to talk to you." My heart skipped a beat. "Why? What did I do wrong, this time? Are they going to fire me?" all this over reaction on my part, feeling horrible on the inside with dread, wondering what I had stepped in to call in a buncha bosses... The driver says he thinks it is because I order too many supplies, and then, he leaves. A coupla hours later, a repair-dude comes to work on some machines & I right away ask him what he has heard & was I in trouble..."You? No way" he answered, "No trouble that I've heard of," then, I look past him to see the Branch Manager stride into through my workplace door. I could take no more suspense. I walked right up to the boss & asked him why so many bosses were coming to see me the next day...he looked surprised & gave me a big smile & says,"We were just all going to be in your neck of the woods about the same time on Friday afternoon, & I just suggested that we all stop in & say 'Hi' to Cher. That must've been what your driver overheard. You're not in any trouble. Heck," he says,"you've got the best inventory record in the entire branch...somthing like $47 short for the whole year. There is no way that you are in any trouble," then, the manager of the factory walks up behind him overhearing the last bit of what he was saying, and she chimes in,"She does a marvelous job here, I don't see how Cher could be in any trouble." Nobody thought I was in trouble, except for me.

I almost allowed one remark from one person to ruin my day. Isn't that funny? Isn't that sad? The kid had no clue how his off-hand fair-warning would affect me,& really, why would I let it? Because I've got some truly deep self-esteem problems, I guess. I make a big, negative deal out of nothing & I let it happen again & again. All that flattery from authority figures had my head reeling-I am just not used to to it, maybe. The relief that overwhelmed me after expecting the worst & getting the best...well, again, you coulda knocked me over...

October in Indiana has hit itelf into full swing today. A 20 degree drop in temp., overcast, blustery and bracing. Again with the feather..

Bubba is painfully dozing in the living roomon one of the new recliners. He can't breathe when he lies down, & as he slept there last night, he will most likely do so again tonight. I hate to bug him, but that is where the treadmill is, & if I tread tonight, I can maybe skate tomorrow. Or skate tonght & tread tomorrow, who knows? Whatever happens will happen. I am looking forward to my 1/2 hour dose of "Earl" tonight, whether I am loafing or trucking. I best go investigate my next course of action (or perhaps, inaction) for the evening in preparation for the morrow. Regardless of what I do or do not accomplish, I've just got to learn to have a little faith...in me. If I let the bad vibes overwhelm me, again, with the feather. Feathers should be for tickling, not knocking. I really plan to work on that one. I really do.

This gorgeous first day of October, I have my usual Sunday plans to make my rounds of friends & family in my hometown...I'm am looking forward to today-often a hard thing to pull off, but today, I feel up to enjoying the moments.

My Friday Five...a great icebreaker(Lucy's inspiration-thx blondkakes) & way to start writing(Stephen King says, "Just write") is always posted on hippie time in my little world. I like to keep the five facts fun...there is always a choice. I hope to always try & put a positive spin on things:

1) Slashes of red & gold have begun to appear on the trees & bushes around my Indiana home. Autumn & Spring are my favorite times of year- I am always thrilled to breathe the air.

2) Breathing, I've learned through the years, is an art in itself. I often refer to controlling one's breathing to "God's Valium." Deep breaths, inhale through your nose, and slowly, methodically, gently, conciously exhale through your mouth. Try to increase the time you spend to empty your lungs each time. Mentally count the seconds. Relax your body a lil more each time that you breathe out\... shoulders, neck, hands...anywhere stress has incited tightening...softly relax. Even when you think that you have exhaled to capacity, there is always a lil left to work with if you gently try. Don't get upset with yourself if you lapse back into shallow breathing, just gently remind yourself to get back to breathing deeply...the important thing.

3)"All You Need is Love," and the ability to contol your breathing. I am always learning & relearning that I have a shoe-in on enjoying my life. Food & shelter are basically paramount, and I am thankful to have the blessings that I have received so far in these departments.

4)"The Secret of Life is Enjoying the Passage of Time." This is a good day be alive and enjoy. May all future days be reasonable facsimilies of this one.

5)Cecile, my therapist, has asked me to make a list of things that I like about myself...here's what I've got so far:
cheerful, optimistic, adventuurous, adaptable, generous, kind, music-loving, dancer-at-heart, humorous, spontaneous, sympathetic, empathetic, friendly, talkative, loving, loved, humble, inner-peace oriented, grateful, enthusiastic, open minded, boredom-free, sentimental, reflective. Cecile says we are working on "The Pillars of Self-Esteem," which in my case, I freeely admit will require a great deal of fortification & reinforcement in order to live my life to the fullest. My trouble with lack of self-esteem is my never-ending battle for "truth, justice, & the American way."

Thus, I've got to get on with the rest of my day. "Today, I will take the time to be happy, and will leave my footprints and my presence in the hearts of others." Wish me luck.

Lazy rainy day, feeling moody and lost in thought...

Last night we attended a viewing for Larry's brother's wife's mother, a woman my age, that I don't believe I have ever met before. She fought cancer for 10 years & was doing well & she was mowing the lawn the other day, she was doing so good...then, she hit a hornet's nest with the mower...had an allergic reaction to multiple stings, ate a handfull of Benedryl that took tooo long to work, and was on the cell with her husband as he raced home to help her, when she went into anaphalctic shock & died before he got to her. Ya just never know...

so, that was one fact, not really fun, but very factual...

a second fact is that it's going to rain all day, & I plan to stay in my jammies & watch" Buffy" & surf until the larger expected storms roll in & then, I'll keep my concious clear by getting off line & disconnecting wires with zapping abilities. I may or maynot hit the treadmill. I may or may not take a nap. or, I may just zone out in bed with my ipod. Bubba is watching Star Gate Atlantis in the living room(again) & we bring each other lil snacks & treats & we will spoil the dogs & each other & have a nice rainy day. I've got 2 cuddly dogs sleeping in bed with me now & it's mighty cozy right here in the house that Bubba built us. This is really nice, plesant & homey. a feeling of peace surround me & keeps me warm.

a third fact is that I may have to get off line for my own headspace, as well. It is not a huge headache, but it is a constant, annoying little bugger pounding softly & rythmically over my right eye with like a lil electical spike on down the top of my head. Being in my darkend room, with an ice pack & my ipod may lead to a nap, but it could also result in beating back the headche, so I can assure that it doesn't get any worse than is. About Buffied out for a bit, & could use an alternate perception of reality for restful reflection.

I had a friend stop by last week after I got off work. She had been up all night with an out-of-the-blue bad cold, & then, had had a business lunch which included alcohol, and then, she called me at 1pm, pretty inebriated & said she'd be stopping over soon. She didn't make it to my place for several hours & when she did, she quickly used my bathroom as a barfroom, & who knows what else? But when she left,but not without leaving me with a mighty tasty parting gift, as she is grateful that I will always be there for her (and I always will be!) I wasn't in a tasting mood Friday night, what with the viewing & dressing up & being proper & all...but now, it's a rainy afternoon at home.flirting with 4 pm, and I'm thinking I should get that ice pack & make the dark room all nice & comfy, and long about 4:20, do a lil taste testing, & then lie in bed & let my music take me over the hills and far away from the rythym in my head that is killing me softly in my head under the ice pack that I need to go get & place right there, now

Every cloud has a silver lining.
Every little thing she does is magic.
Never a rose without a thorn.
Soft rain on the windows, not slowing, not stopping, staying the course... of the evening.
My final parting Friday fact submitted as usual, fashionably late on Saturday Afternoon in a charecteristically cher-like fashion...I just fell asleep for a few seconds...Better go do what I need to do & do it with style, thus enjoying my rainy Saturday afternnon @ home with Bubba & the dogs. A cup of tea & a couple tylenol should hit the spot, then we will see what happens long about 4:20 or so. Knowing me, I'll be late. But since I am expecting it of me & don't really mind, it'll all be good. Most of the time, it is all good...most of the time...