I have no good reason why today was so much better than yesterday, but it was...for me anyway. I see the trap I fell prey to in another lifetime all around me, over & over again. The 29 yr old that i am traning this week has a spouse who did not believe she had to go to work today , thus made her stay home until I called to see if she was coming in. It amazes me, still, that there are so many possesive, paranoid people in the world & that these jerks are so successful in having good people fall in love with them. Then, they don't want what is best for those that they claim to love..whassup with that? It is always all about them...always in all ways.

I had a great session with Cecile, my therapist, today. Brought tea, talked & laughed...next week we will focus on just what I am afraid of in job hunting, & how to master those fears. It's hard for me to imagine the particular points that I allow to overwhelm me. Deep inside, I know the worst thing that will happen is that I don't get the job. Maybe when I took that vacation week & failed to use it hunting for a job, was just because I needed a vacation. More than likely, I was just not hungry enough to get my rear in gear. I get off work in the middle of the afternoon, & rush home to Bubba, who gets home about the same time. We laugh & spoil the dogs together & in spite of the fact that we don't have a lot of material possesions, we are one heck-a-happy couple.

We did get some material possesions over the weekend, though. Big overstuffed leather-like new recliners to replace our Red Foreman recliners from "That 70's Show." The store did not have 2 in the same color & we'd have to wait until the end of Oct., if we wanted to order twins, so we got didfferent colors, ever the slaves to instant gratification... Such absolute luxury, right there in the middle of my unfinished living room! I don't care if he never gets the house done. Today was the first day that we had to turn on some heat & as it was there, I can not ask for anymore out of life.

Colo tells me her Mother's life-long anger has been magnified in her old age...& looking @ Rene & Dad & my Mom, I am hopeful for me in my twilight years. I am usually in good spirits & music can usually kick me out of most bad moods. If my personality is magnified with age, I'm gonna do OK. I like having fun.

I called Mary Elizabeth last Friday. What a great feeling to reach out & touch someone. Bubba just got home from his Mom's, so I'm going to sign off & join him for "House", but let me part in the hope that ME & I stay in touch & continue to enrich our friendship. Such a good life...

Somebody at work yelled at me today. I yelled back. It was raining. My head hurt. It was not pretty. I have issues with anger-avoidance, I feel really bad inside when I express anger. It never, ever, ever feels good to me...not even justifiable anger feels good. It is just plain ugly any way you look at it in cher's world. I hate anger.

Maybe I yelled back because I am still angry at my crazy step-mother from Sunday's visit. Sure, she is suffering with myriad health afflictions, but she is so darn mean & ugly to my poor ol Dad. Everything is accusations of my 83 yr old half-blind, barely ambulatory father's sexcapades with the nursing staff & how the staff & my Dad plot to torture her & lock her away for hours... She is making the nurse's aids cry on a daily basis, in addition to having her slapping & punching at them & often hitting her mark. She was a jealous, possesive witch before,(a female version of my very paranoid very ex-spouse), and now, with dementia, she has magnified her paranoia & gone crazy with it. And, my Dad is just like me when I was stuck in that bizarro marriage. He just sits there & takes it. Not that anything would be accomplished by arguing with her, she just isn't there at all anymore & probably was pretty far gone to begin with. Dad, too has major anger-avoidance issues, & thus, I have allowed myself to not fall far from the tree. He has got to learn to leave where she is & wheel himself someplace else when she goes off the deep end, like she has been doing...but, he stays by her side forever futilly tying to get her to see reason and some semblance of reality. He is miserable with her, miserable without her. He is living out the end of his life in this twiight zone. I fear for what is left of his sanity ( multiple CVA's & alcohol have already strained his capacities)...this will not end well without thorazine...for one or both of 'em.

It rained all day. I felt like crap all day, until...I put on the headphones. & heard Bob Marley. and the rest of my tunes came tumbling down. & I put on my gym shoes & turned on the treadmill. Niel Young, Creedence Clearwater, Moody blues, Jerry Carcia, Carlos Santana...3 1/2 miles later...75 minutes spent in Rock n roll Heaven, dancing, prancing, hand weights and fancy two-steps...suddenly then, I found myself feeling better. Stronger. Calmer. In control of MY life. I will never sit there & watch my father eat crappola like that again...he thinks that he wants to be there for her... well, not on my time... When I visit & she is acting crazy like she was Sunday, I am taking my Daddy away from her for the remainder of my visit & spending it soley with him. That scene is so very close to how my marriage was...a paranoid insanity.

I kicked those vibes out of my life when I packed my car & left my ex. To see my Dad go thru what I went through, but in a bizarro geriatric nightmare setting...I just can't do it. Not on my time. Not when I visit. Never again.

You know me? Then, you know I run on "hippie tume," then. This lil random poll is floatin' 'round the net & I thought posting in for my fashionably late Friday Five would be fun...I like to be fun, so here goes:

5 jobs I have had in my life

1. Physical Therapy Technician
2. Ambulance Attendant(EMT)
3. Security Officer for Cummins Engine(lots of PR)
4. Plant Technician(went to well financed & decorated offices tending to & planting fabulous scenic flowery corners & overhangs making the place look as expensive as it was...)
5. Vending Attendant in breakrooms at factories(lousy pay, but having fun)

5 Nicknames that I have had

1. Speghetti Legged Long Legs
2. Funny Face
3. Bite Size
4. Sugar-Moose
5. dear(what Bubba calls me)

5 Movies I could watch over & over & over

1. "Harold & Maude"
2. "Pay It Forward"
3. "Master & Commander"
4. "What Dreams May Come"
5. "The Big Chill"

5 Places I have lived

1. Oakland, California
2. Columbus, Indiana
3. Coronado Island, San Diego, California
4. Portsmouth, New Hampshire & Kittery, Maine(You have to cross a street)
5. Bubba's Puppy Palace in Rural Southern Indiana

5 TV Shows that have me hooked

1. "House"
2. "My Name is Earl"
3. "CBS Sunday Morning"
4. "Law & Order Criminal Intent"
5. Our DVD library...we don't have cable... I really can't think of a fifth...we watch lots of DVDs over & over..."Stargate SG1", "Stargate Atlantis," "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer," "Columbo," "House" etc.

5 Places I have been on Vacation

1. Ensenada, Mexico
2. Bermuda
3. Puerto Rico
4. Cowpens, South Carolina
5. Back Home Again in Indaiana when I lived someplace else...

5 Favorite Foods

1. Dark Chocolate
2. Pepper Jack cheeses
3. Salmon
4. Peanut Butter (the kind you have to keep in the 'fridge & stir up. So very no more hydrongenated or partially hydrongenated PB for me.
5. any kind of fruit & veggies...melons, grapes, corn-on-the-cobb, grapes, pineapple, berries of all kinds, beans, nuts, bananas,
water chestnuts, asperagus, Baby corn, carrots, celery (w/PB),apples, pears, peas, fancy salad fixin's, oranges...anything remotely healthy...

5 Places I'd rather be

1. when I am at work I'd rather be home
2. when I am making my Sunday Rounds to the nursing homes & my wonderous family & friends, I'd rather be home
3. when I am shopping, I'd rather be home
4. when I am on vacation, I now, spend it at home
5. any time I am away...Bubba's Puppy Palce of Pleasures, my home, is where I would rather be

5 Thing in my life that have me hooked

1. Bubba & our dogs (and anybody else's dogs)
2. the Stream
3. the treadmill
4. I dig rock n roll music-really, any music. Music, music, music..
5. Being home with all of the above

Xtra Added Bonus...other people. I do love people. "They're my species.."

Gotta love a "Kickback Thursday". It is when I am caught up on my paperwork at work & I do all that is expected of me & more, & I be looking at the week end with a twinkle of anticipation in my eye.

My personal best on the treadmill is 4 1/2 miles in 96 minutes. But as I hurt so bad the next day, I allowed myself to skip it(plus it was Tuesday with my therapist & I just ran out of time)...Wednesday, I slowed down a bit & meant to stop after 30 minutes, but then Clapton was playing "Layla" on my ipod in my ears, then it was Carlos, then John Fohgerty , then John Mellencamp, then Don Henely, then The Eagles, then Van Morrison, with lots of Dead spicing up the joy in between, & before I knew it it was 100 minutes at a more sane pace & 4 miles even, & I had to force myself to cool off & stop. I can't tell you enough good things about my ipod. I woulda quit at 1/2 an hour, but the music never stopped, so I just kept on going. I'm 54- I won't always be able to do this, so I gotta seize the day, & keep it up while I can. My body is changing thanks to the effort-looking better than I have in the last 2 or 3 years... & feeling better once I conquer the AM aches & pains that are inevitable at my age. I do so want to keep up with this treadmill, thru the winter months especially. I haven't really lost a lot of poundage, but I seem to have moved it about to more appealing porportions, since Bubba brought this bad boy home. It is a very good rush. The more that I give the more that I get out of it...like so many things in life, and music make it all happen, like so many things in life.

So, I'm going to go get my ipod off the charger & charge forward again @ the treadmill when, normally I would continue to blog & surf the Stream. I may make a second entry today, as I miss it all so much, but will just have to see how things go. I'll for sure do my Friday Five no later than Saturday. I've been properly, completely disconnecting my computer & leaving it so, as Indiana has has such a stormy week. The storms are clearing as of this afternoon & the forecast is "gorgeous" for Finally Friday & the weekend. I've had a great week @ work training a real sweet young lady to work weekends & maybe get some time in working other plants for more hours. She quit he job @ the factory we are now vending for, as she is 27 with 6 kids & the 12 hour shifts were stressing her to the max...27, with 6 kids... 3 with her ex, & her new spouse came equipped with 3 kids-can you imagine? She smiles all the time, & as she knows all the people at our factory so she is having a great time with the job so far. It's been a fun week with her & the time has passed quickly.
If I procrastinate the treadmill any longer, I won't have anything to brag about tomorrow, so I best get on with it...I just wanna say, if anyone is considering purchasing an ipod in the near future, I say, "Just do it!" It has added so much inspiration & quality to my life & I have only downloaded my CD collection onto mine so far...someday, I will learn how to purchase songs from the itunes & download them. I still have room for 400 more tunes, and many, many more miles.

1. I am a dish-water blonde by nature, and a very blonde blonde thanks to tatooed Angie, my hairdresser, with many a tale of her own to tell. But often times...I act so very stero-typical blonde...like 2 weeks ago when I went to sleep watching my i-tunes "computerized lava-lamp" screen a bad habit I fell into quite awhile ago... I awoke around 3 AM to a resounding electrical storm & Bubba'a warning that I had better unplug my computer. Which I promptly did. From the wall. Only. I left the telephone line connected. Lightening struck a nearby pole & zapped my modem into a "better place..." nowhere near Boondock, Indiana. Lucky for me, my older brother, Buzz, who gave me this computer in the first place is a computer whiz who collects computers & happened to have a "spare external modem" in his basement. Sister Kathy took the computer to him, he fixed it & now I have some extra steps & wires involved to connect myself to cyberspace, but nevertheless, I am here. I missed y'all more than you will ever know.
2. I just run out of time. I want to spend more time on the Stream, but Bubba got this treadmill...and I am up to 3 3/4 miles in 78 minutes...then, the shower & the combing out of the very blonde hair, then the tube, then the pups, then Bubba, then, I'm reading 4 different books now, and I have my therapist on Tuesdays & the fam. a half hour drive 1-way away, and the job & my friends, and... stuff...I want to spend more time on line, but STUFF HAPPENS!!!
3.All this attention from Lucy...shucks! I hadn't read that blog post of mine from 9/17 since I wrote it...I sound...intresting! & Mokie Joe wants to "protect" me? Shucks!!! I am overjoyed to read Lucy's peace making dipolmacy between Mokie Joe & R.E. I know R.E. was dismayed by some of Mokie's posts...I am glad they have become friends & formed a mutual admiration society & ceased firing. I love Lucy. Always have.Alwys will. This place is truly at her command...
4. I lost 2 upper teeth on the right side of my mouth in the back in the last two weeks. You'd think I'd lose some weight, but nooooooooooooooooo! 54, and there's so much more... I still have "20 Good Years", like John Lithgow (loved him since "Buckaroo Bonzai") & whatzisname from "Arrested Development."
5. Needless to say, Bubba is not near as happy as I am to have my computer("skinibeach" by name) back on line. Because he's mine, I will walk the line...I will not allow us to fight over my time on the computer. I hope.
XTRA BONUS: So, I'm watching "Oprah" today & the light bulb moments were going off like the paparazzi @ the Paris DUI scene. The show was a rerun, I'm sure, but the 1st time for me. On women healing after being dumped when their relationships with narrcisistic men fail...and Oprah & Robin telling the blonde victim that her spouse who disappeared in the middle of the night, leaving her in over 6 million bucks in debt was not her best friend & will die a happy man, never feeling guilt or shame or sorry for how he had hurt her & wrecked her life. When Oprah said that she had come to terms with men who had treated her crassly & "blessed them" and learned from them...I knew I could do that, too. To my ex husband, my ex boy friends, yes... God bless you...I have learned from you & accepted the fact that you don't care about me & never really did. And that's okay. Cuz I'm doing OK. I'm going to live out my life with a kind man who does care about me, & has since our first date. He has stood by me through many hard times, and will do so, again and again. He acknowledges that he will love me even when I lose all of my teeth, as I will love him when he follows suit."You've got to go through Hell before you get to Heaven.."....It's a good life after all.