Quick post...maybe.
Huet my back @ work...no sciatica, so am hoping for a quick recovery. My doc does not accept workman's comp as a payment source...you, yhe hurtin one pays outta yer pocketses, and hope nobody drops the ball like my company did when I hurt my back on the job 2 yrs ago...never re-imbursed for nada I paid out...og course, my company has been through 5 different branch managers in theses last 2 years...nobody know nuthun...I have never seen such an inept company, and yet I stay...

which is one reason to continue therapy..

I have exceeded storage capacity in my mailbox...gonna have to delete a lot of stuff & it will take a lot of time, but all I wanna do is have some fun...and download music on my new ipod, while some bug or another has wiped out my old ipod...well, one is working...got me thru work today...working with a backache work better with Bob Marley or Don Hennely or Niel Youg or Jack Johnson or anything other than folks bugging me when I'm just trying to get thru the day * my back is killing me. ah, life!

I will not work Sundays...I will not work Sundays...I will not work Sundays...it kills the entire day, esp when you hurt your back on a Sunday & as a result. require rest & no viviting parent in nursing homes or hospitals or sisters @ their house or friends or fruit stands on the way home...working Sundays so bites...

I gotta go download tunes...clean mailbox tomorrow...you know, like my junkroom...tomorrow & tomorrow y mannyana...

This week, Joey died and was buried. Bubba's nephew... age 28

The beloved Steamboat Annie, the beloved of the Lucy I love did not live to see this week, her birthday week, to Lucy's perpetual pain & sorrow.

Dustin left Indiana headed for Delaware continuing on his cross country bicycle tour come to look for America. My nephew...age 27

My friend Mean Jean (who isn't) agonized over the week her son would have celebrated his 13th birthday, had he'd not accidently hung himself playing "Tarzan" when he was 6...Sometimes you want to talk about things, but the next minute, I understand, it you don't feel like talking about the next minute...we've been playing telephone tag...text mssgs & cells turned off...just missing connecting by that much-...we'll get it together in time..

no spellcheck 2nite, kiddies...was that 5 things or what?sleepy

In another time, another life, another love...We made a promise to always be friends. I have a strong belief, a hope, in this promise. It means a whole lot to me. This is one promise that I don't plan to let end...this week, my old friend reached out to me "just to talk" which is what I want us to be to one another, whenever we can...his wife has a brain tumor...don't know the details, just lil bits & pieces...but, it's been growing, undetected for 4 yrs, they think, before they caught it this week, & she will have to have at least 3/4 of it surgerically removed, as it is a very large tumor, but 1/4 is in too delicately placed for surgery in regards to the-too-close proximity of a iife or death blood vessel or atery is involved...that last 1/4 of her tumor, they'll be putting her through a regime of radiation therapy. This is especially stressful for their 14 yr old miunderstood daughter has been suffering a strained relationship with her mother, especially rough these last coupla years. 13,14,15,...these kids come complete with cavalcades of raging hormones, begging for drama under the any normal of circumstances, to have a young mother with a brain tumor...the He is looking for messages from God that this potential for fear, and grief, and misery brings a reason to his conciousness that explains why his family must go through this Hell, and what lessons they are supposed to glean from kmowing this great sorrow & fear.

This week in our war, civil war seems pending in countries we need to come home from. Those people don't want in their world no matter what reason we give them that tells them "This is all intended to better humanity better as a whole"...let us join hands, sing "Kumbayah", and play nice. Each day of violence is worse than the day before, and the day before that.

This week we are preparing to remember the anniverary of the first weeks of September, and 9/11.

The factory I work for lost their biggst contract they had this week...Wal-Mart is going to get their plastic shopping bags from a competitive factory in China, now...weakening this lil factory town even more than ever before.

I enjoyed my day off. I am back to working Sundays, at least for tomorrow. It needs to be done. If I don't do it, it won't get done, I want next Sun off...I want to "Just Say No" to my boss.

My therapist is perplexed. We have a great time together. Next week, I'm bringing us tea , for our talk...I get thirsty. She loves my stories. I enjoy her company. I don't know if it is the therapy is helping, but certainly, it's not hurting. I've made a new friend.

Bedtime
work tomorrow
if it's not too hot, rounds of ftriends & family in my new red truck called "Ol Yeller", with my white & caramel , blonde dog sitting beside a blonde me, enjoying the scenery, driving, thinking, playing the music too loud.
sleepy time gutl

they make me dizzy...Joey's Dad, Jerry was just here-Bubba's lil brother...tells us the cororner says Joey had a heart problem that had gone undetected...a hereditary affliction that every one on Joey's Mom & Dad's sides of the family must be notified of. so they should @ least give the possibility that they might have the same affliction some serious consideration. I used to take Bubba's Uncle Bill to church a coupla years back, and Uncle Bill had a boy,Billy Jr., who survived 2 tours of Viet Nam & came home & died of an undetected heart condition 3 months after getting out & home.

Jerry & Bubba sat at the kitchen table tonight, exchanging stories of their own heart flutterings, palpatations, skipping beats, racing, sometimes creeping, often missing beats...no mystery to me whose side of the family the heart conditions run from...Bubba called his eldest to warn him, & so far, can't reach his youngest, so he'll prob go visit Ted tomorrow in person. He often goes to Ted's &/or Larry Lee's on Sundays, when I am making the rounds in my own nearby home town/small town of my own family.

Jerry didn't mention drugs, nor did we ask, and it retrospect, it does not matter how the poor kid died. But that's all we heard all nite Friday...that Joey OD'd. people...

Joey's viewing is, Tues., funeral Wed. He leaves a young wife, a 2 yr old boy and an 11 yr old stepdaughter. His grandmother, Larry's Mom is confused. She know something is happening regarding Joey but keeps forgetting the details...she was always a little afraid of Joey once he hit his 20's & had some run-ins with the law, and did the tatoo & piercing trip...she used to hallucinate about him breaking into her house last Winter...her Alzheimers is more delusional than my parents seem to be right now. She knows she is concerned about Joey, but keeps forgetting why he is on her mind & she flashes back to her nightmare delusions.

Bubba dosen't seem to want to talk about it. There's really not a lot to say, and as he is a man of few words the majority of the time any way, this is one more time. I am letting him be. I got 35 minutes, 1 1/2 miles on the treadmill thanks to my inspirational ipod. Got in a greatful shower & now, I will dry my hair & lie here in the dark in the air conditionined, muti-fanned bedroom and just think. and mourn. and pray. and hope. and Thank God for getting me this far, at this time. I hope to stay awake until Bubba feels like coming to bed, and tonight, I think would be a really good night to fall asleep holding hands. Sometimes, even I realize, that there are no words...

I love my family... I am so blessed. We have our fair amount of drama, but, by & large, we do A-OK..So, I've been bragging about my nephew, Dustin. Spring Harvard grad, just got engaged, they went to China & ran a marathon along the Great Wall, & just yesterday the young couple bicycled into town on a cross country trip w/some friends...his futures's so bright, he's to to wear shades.

Yesterday, Bubba'a nephew died. gossip puts it as a drug OD, but no one knows for sure...he just wouldn't wake up...Bubba's @ his Mom to ensure she'd OK with losing her grandchild...about Dustin's age, tatooed, pierced & pretty quiet & sullen @ Christmas gatherings on the whole.. Young Joe's wife had a baby last year, &now, she is in such dire straits... though her life seemed dangerous enough when he was alive, I'm guessing. I'm told that there were meth problems recently. But what do I know? I just know that is is incredibly sad.

Most folk that know me, know that my folks are pretty far gone (Alzheimer's), and depite the confusion and bewildererment that they suffer, the love they hold for our family is the one thing that they steadfastly aware of. I'm very blessed to still have that love with my folks...they are lost in their seprate realities, but the love they have for this family remains a strong bond. I rejoyce in it while I may...

When I remember my Mother's five children as siblings growing up under the same roof, teasing, spatting, crying, hiding, tickling, giggling, playing, coloring, doing chores, & not doing chores...it is funny now to know that in those days, the possibilities of these days never occurred to us. We never realized how strong whe would have to be for each other, how kind we could be to the tortured teased of our young world, once we had matured. We never thought we would need each other so much...we never reached out, then, & now we have been actively making up for lost time to one another now...my siblings are especially kind to me. I think when I kissed California good-bye, and came home to stay, they were surprised. That I fell in love with Bubba in addition to staying, & would have such a happy life is a constant source of wonder for us all... They are all very happy for me, as am I.

My family has many dues that we will be obligated to pay here, in the near future. It is the natural order of things. We will take on the events together as they come, stay, and never really leave...like the love my family has for one another...it will keep going on strong in spite of the overwhelming painful ordeals we will someday be forced to deal with, again, then, again, and again. I can face the future because of the love in our family shares...I have faith in the love & strength of my family. Again, I am, so very blessed.

yeah, well, that's five. gotta do the treadmill thing. I like myself better when I do the treadmill thing. I want to like myself at tomorrow's family gathering, then on the visits to the folks in their homes. hate the heat...but, must seize the moment...& seek air conditioning...

If, in fact, communication has been re-established between my e-mail & blog stream, I remain uncertain...no blog updates or anything since Sunday. Coincidence(summertime, and the living is ez) or yet, perhaps the re-established communications are another shortlived victory. That kinda stuff happens a fair amount of the time in my world.

Really bizi my own self....work, Bubba, treadmill, new mental health therapist, the folks, friends, siblings, dogs, adult responsibilities, on & off...Always something...

New mental health therapist, Cecile, by name...titles & labels, I'm not sure what her state certified mental health certification entails, but...she is very good for my ego, makes me feel better about myself, we get along great-she likes to listen to my stories...OK- I can deal with a receptive, captive audience of 1 once a week. She wants to know why I stay with the dead-end, poverty level pay job I do...well... I want for nothing really...I'm off in the early afternoon, I work among friends most of the time, for only 6 hours at a time, and I usually kind of enjoy my days. Cecile says "You seem happy, very happy to me" Well, I come & I go. She reinforces that monetary gain is something our society had beat into our heads as being all-important, when, really, it has nothing to do with happiness at all. I think a good paying job would be out of sight, but, I'm doing OK for the time being. I have to children, no one to take care of but my mutts & Bubba, when he lets me. He enjoys doing things for me, and at this point in my life, I see no reason not to let him. It, to me, is a really good life...but, as there is always room for improvement, I will keep the conversation with Cecile, "lively.". Tuesday, I slammed a Diet Rock Star before our appointment...geez, come 4 o'clock on a hot & humid day, after 6 hrs at a factory(inventory this week, as well), it's pretty smart of me to slam a caffeinne energy drink as opposed to the drinks I have been known to slam in my torrid past.

My torrid past...I googled Rock Med recently, out of habit & curiosity, & discovered a retirement party for Razz, my former super in Rock Med...I think I blogged about the subject a time or two before...The party was last wkend, but, I was of course, here amidst the corn & the soybeans, and unable to make it to SF's Mission District, to a bar I never heard of, to see him off as I wish I could have. I got word to my old friend Sean, though, and he made the scene. Then, let me in on a lil of how it was-he remains a man of few words, these days, as is his way. But, he sent along email addresses of 2 old buds for me to contact, which I did, and am still awaiting a resonse from. Life is busy for all of us, but I eagerly anticipate hearing back from them. My life is so changed from the bay Area days. Sean wrote of "walking amongst a thousand folks in the Mission, happy to be able to be allowed to go anywhere, in peace..." I found him to be very prolic & thought provoking. I probably don't see a thousand people all day long on most days in Indiana, and as much as I love people, at this age, it suits me. I guess I've lost a lot of that hormonal drive that kept me circling SF & CA-in-general most of my life. Then, it was an adventure, but from that cup, no more. And it is working for me just fine, in spite of all I thought I knew then. There was a time when I felt I could never be happy unless I was in California, and again, from that cup, no more. I like the green rolling hills in the Mid West. The Seasons offer quarterly adventures that are always close to hearth & home. I would like to see Santana again, but, only on my terms. I've seen enough live music for awhile...'cept for my friend Deb's son Derick Howard. I get hugs & requests granted from that undiscovered talented young man...I believe he learned "Friend of The Devil" by my constant pleading for him to play it for me...and he never heard of Santana until I came babbeling on about the spirituality of the music of Carlos being of the utmost importance. He more than gets it, these days...he lives & plays it.

My nephew, Dustin, who recently graduated from Harvard, went to China and ran a marathon along The Great Wall of China, got engaged to the love of his life & all other kinds of adventures, is in the process of riding his bicycle with his fiancee & some friends across country. After starting in Washington State, they ought to be back home again in Indiana this weekend. Must stick to my guns & demand Sunday off...at least this one....they cannot find coverage for Saundays for me...I used to do it to be nice...now I just get used.

Strangest thing...sitting on the back porch survey my domain with the sweet puppies at my side, I take note of a change in the weather. i sorta heard a weather dude taliking about a Tropical front "of all things", but I was busy, & took no real notice.Semi severe headache most of the day(barometric crappola). Beat the headache & Now that it's here,front is warm, humid, & balmy...overcast, but the that rain might miss us, but the sky is heavy duty flirting with stormin', nonetheless. It's nice...it must be like what Jimmy Buffett is always singing about...weather in The Keys...never been there, but he tells me it's nice.

Well, this is just outstanding(in a a soybean field)...I gotta go back for more. Gonna take my Lean Cuisine Salmon on the back porch & have the dogs come with. After a lil low-fat yogurt, hopefully enough will be enough. I gotta hit the tread mill & inject my soule with some sweet rock n roll via me ipod...Bubba's gone for his Wed eve trip to chek in his Mom & try to get her to take her meds & give her some of the attention that she craves, but will not cop to...all God's Childrun live in a lil bit o'denial in one form or another.

or, maybe, they all live in the moment, like I am headed out my backporch to do.

later, kids