I came from a verbally abusive near-decade long suffering excuse for a marriage. He kicked me twice, but mainly he messed with my head... pre-meditated cruelties designed to contol...to control any sense of my own well-being, as well as any semblance of me being self confident, believing in myself, repeatedly reminding me of my inferior intellegence, my less-than-movie-star physical appearance. He would often sing to me "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife..." Then he would be pissed that my feelings were hurt & pick a verbal exchange of a fight designed to degrade me as less than a quality human being, and most definitely a sub-par woman,and he'd cast judgemental ill-concieved assumtions on my character, and doubt my fidelity on the basis that ass I was female, I always wanted it fro some guy, any guy, all the guys. We were both sick in the head, but it took a long time for me to begin healing long long ago. I'm still healing, even though the marriage has been dead since the mid-eighties, but I still allow myself to fall back into the addicting habit of feeling inferior, unworthy, without purpose...it's a sickness that I will fight all of my life, but now, I have hope & faith that I will conquer my worst enemy (myself), with my best friend and lover for over 14 years, Larry...a kind, gentle wonderful man who lets me call him Bubba because all first born males in my family are named Larry. i call him Bubba because he was country, before country was cool...

and I will work on this later now, as the love of my life lies beside me with a horrible migraine & now my own head is starting to pound & as i am prone to my own migraines, I know it is best to take a break from the blog, cease changing my sleep patterns, as staying up past your usual crash time can trigger a migraine, and i want to turnout all the lights and lie beside the man I love and hopefully comfort his pain & get a handle on my own headspace, slow down my own pulse, breathe deep and sleep. I don't wanna catch his migraine...we often catch one another's migraines, something I think can be contagious between soulmates if we don't stop it from happening, so strong is the power of suggestion, so powerful is the suggestion of our love.

any way you look at anything...later, kids, later...

1.Turn turn, turn...ing 54 in 4 daze on de the 5th, no, not on the 4th, as 1 might be tempted to think, but it was, indeed, the 5th day of the 7th month in a different century than when I was born, seeing as how today be da 1st day of the 7th month, six years after this century started. U do de math. I never touch the stuff.

2.Reality bites-no real big deal, but will be working the morning of the 3rd, Sunday, then,the regular work day hours for Mon-Fri., and I will responsibly celebrate the wonderous event of my birth on my next day off, which will be next Saturday, this Saturday being, today, & I only have Saturdays off these days though:

3. I have told my boss I want Sundays off entirely, as that is the day I put on my travelin' shoes, have Bubba brush out Rex while I change from work jacket into anything comfortable that strikes my fancy & make the rounds to friends,and to family, and to my parents in different nursing facilities. My mother's dog that we took in, Rex, comes with me to provide comic relief...he stops and waits to be petted by any resident who wants to pet a dog. He has a natural talent for spreading smiles, a thing of beauty to observe... I need the whole day off as it is a marathon all day rush to complete all I feel I need to accomplish on Sundays, and my boss said she understood, and would make a real effort to find another employee to cover my Sundays, then 2 days later, she quit. My new supervisor is out to prove her power & everythime I have seen her, I've been fired up at my company's blatant failure to provide as promised & lost my temper, and told her I cannot provide quality services as my company never fails to fail to complete the tasks they promise to complete.

4. I'm kinda nervous, jumpy, & freaking out as I blog, as my beloved Bubba sits in the cool of the darkened living room, listening to yet another episode of "Stargate SG-1." He is not watching the DVD, as his eyes are covered with warm cloths, as is his forehead also covered with warm, wet cloths, as well those two tendons painfully, protruding on the back of of his neckcovered,& more marm soaks going up to involve his ears which are, especially his right neck muscles to that right ear throbbing with the beat of of his heart...beneath the warm cloths, he has slathered Icy Hot as he seeks to loosen the spasm that this horrible sinus migraine headache that has literally slapped him upside of his face with. His blood pressure is OK, his pulse a slow & steady 60... Oh, God! He is in such intense pain...and he is so stoic, silently suffering, both of us talking in soft voices, anything we do right now is to keep the pups and the mood mellow. Bubba is relaxing, with purposeful slow, deep breaths, willing himself to triumph over these assualts from his own body resulting from the whims of changes in barometic pressures as the storms roll in & out dictate his misery. He is very brave, very quiet, a definite no-whining kinda guy who sits there and says nothing, dozing in the eye of the storm, and drives me crazy worrying about what could be happening to the swollen veins and blood vessels in his brain and, and would he tell me if his heart was skipping beats as it has been flirting with off & on these past 5 or 6 months. Sure, he might mention it Tuesday...shhhh be very, very quiet...Bubba has quite suddenly, joined me in the cool of the bedroom, ever seeking even more attempts to relax and assist in the receedence of his pain. I gently massaged his back, and those tight tendons at the back of his neck...then, gently withdrew as his dozing seems to have given way to a light sleep. The pups are worried...Bubba in bed & the sun has yet to set...this must be serious. Two are cuddled up to him, and the other two have set dual watches at either end of the bed. I put a scarf over the lamp(he'll lecture me about it being a fire hazard, if he wakes to it. He says he is not skipping heartbeats, and not BSing me, and I believe him, but know only too well what HELL he is going through, as it, as you may know, I who am usually the one going through it. He is the love of my life, the best thing that ever happened to me and for the most part, my polar opposite & soul mate, a match made in my Heaven, and we look enough alike that we could be brother and sister. Colo has asked to hear about Bubba & I falling in love again. I must've told the story with finesse some where back in my archives...I hope I can do an acceptable re-telling of the tale for the 5th of my Friday 5 fun facts, as I know not how to repost the original post, and most of the time, I am thinking about him, but right now, as he sleeps in pain at my side, surounded by worried pups, he is all that I can think about...My ipod is intact & here goes my next post known simply as Five...

Head thundered through the night into the early morning hours...as soon as doc's office opened, I phoned, begged, and was granted an Rx for Ultram which ain't much, but when taken with Tylenol, it has helped. The headache is a distant echo threatening to flow back in with the evening clouds promising rain. Could be better...was worse for a long time, but, the distant echo of pain still remains, but I'm rolling with it. Thanks Doc, this is a lil' better...

Much hated inventory continues @ work. Taking my time, leaving @ 1:30, as ordered. Nice afternoon laughing with Bubba. It's what ya make it. I'll either get it done in the allotted time, or I won't...

So,in a new york minute,a kid who was always friendly to me from the factory got shot after acting sad & stupid after being laid off. The 20something son of Mexican immigranted US citizens, formerly of Mexico, Alfredo was laid off wiith 3/4 of that factory's employees...company moving most of it's work to Mexico....Alfredo lived with his Ma & extended fam...and one nite last week, he got depressed about losing his job & he got drunk...and more depressed more drunk...then, suicidal. He freaked out the fam., & his Mama called 911. When the cops came, the drunken kid answered the door with a stupid knife in his hand & he didn't drop it quick enough, as the cops shot him. Drunken suicide by cop, how mind-blowing this long strange trip is that we are on?...Alfredo, a kid working in a sweat shop, one of the better employees, knew both languages, friendly, really, just a kid looking for a life. I feel 1000 different ways about his death...whassup? they forgot their tasers? That Smalltown of John's has shot & killed 3 guys last month, while the town 14 miles down the road has tasered any scary criminal crazies & not shot a one. How strange. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong mood, wrong booze, extreme defense of possible knife injury performed by a coupla bullets to mortally wound the suspected kid that they shoulda figured was drunk & sad. or not. I dunno. I wasn't there. kid was always kind to me...let's not go there anymore today...

Tomorrow, Sister Jan brings her beagle for her annual vacation here at Bubba's Puppy Paradise....every year, Jan & Rick join the hordes of RV hard core campin' folks fighten for space at an RV camground on a Lake in Kentucky. Misses my birthday(no big),Jan, a fair-skinned red head who, like me burns easily & does not tolerate hot sunlight well @ all... Works all year for this week. Out on the lake in their nice, roomy boat joinng the hoares of other boats, big and small, on that crowded lake for the 4th of July Holiday weekend celebration...and we keep SallyJo, the beagle for them, cuz I know she is having big fun...that's 4 dogs & 2 grown folks on a King Size matress & boxsprings, with a built on extra dog-cot a la Bubba, and seiously Bubba & I enjoy the lil braying whelp. I never thought I'd meet anyone who loved dogs than me...but, I was wrong...Bubba works his life to benefit the dogs to the extremes...I'm the "Bad Cop", he's the "Good Cop"...they always hit him up first & usually score...it's a fun life. Dogs, Ipods, blogging, headache almost gone, in the A/C with the ceiling fan cruisen' cross breezes. I need to feel better, like this , far more often. Breathing deep & easy.

Bubba just came home from his Wed visit with his Ma...took her to Dr appts Mon & Tues, brings her the Wednesday local bugler. He's a good boy, a good son. And God love her, most of the time, Rita is further out there than my own folks who all 3 require nursing homes. Her Alzheimer's is rampant, constant, nervous, obsessed, driven...he does what he can & it must be wearing him to the brink, but he hangs in & hangs in & tries not to let her drive him crazy, too. These are strange daze indeed, Mama...is there a full moon, or just a rough moon? THANK GOD FOR MY MUSIC...HEARD "Cowgirl in the Sand" today @ just the right time...that's my song for Lucy...

Bubba's doing the Chineese veggie thang, wants me to come watch Stargate" with him (again-Season 1 for the 7th time), eat veggies & we'll watch the thunderstorn roll in...and rejoyce in the almost total cessation of this headache, save the eve with those i love, "& have a good time...to make up for the times whaen I ain't feeling too good..."
Brent of Da Dead....
might get to the treadmill, might not...good life

That's what they used to call me in Maryland and California, when I used to party hearty...Scotch, imported beer in bottles, suff n' nonsense, and brownies were my speciality.The gang started out with a vey different nickname for me, but I was not fond of it. Just something would throw my day out of whack when I filled up my tray at the hospital cafeteria, turned & looked for my gang, and most folk at the table would holler out, "Hey!Bite Size! Over here!" waving & making it obvious that they were trying to get my attention.
One evening, as I toted a bottle of Chevis Regal around the kitchen in the house that we all shared, baking another batch of my special brownies(made with love), I was really having a good time, the life of the party. I think I remember my friend "JJ" saying,"Whoa is she loose as a moose!"

My friend Mo answered, "Yeah, but she's pretty sweet about it."

To which my adopted big brother Billyjones says, "Yeah! A Sugar Moose!"

I stopped in my tracks right then & there, and turned to all those who were listening & announced,"Sugar Moose, guys...not Bite Size...my new nick name is Sugar Moose!OK? Please?" I pushed the concept to the point of pain for nearly a month & as it was so important to me not to be called "Bite Size", they let it slide & I became Sugar Moose to all, even introducing myself saying, "My name is Cher, but my friends call me Sugar Moose." That story winds on & on, but that is all for another time...the name kinda stuck, cuz it pretty much fit & few folks ever forgot the name of the hippie chick party hearty blonde was Sugar Mosose..." A few folks still call me Sugar Moose, my ex always called me "Moose"...but those are other stories, for another time.

Last week, I pulled a real Sugar Moose, & I was going to maintain a low profile & not advertise it, but it's so me, Sugar Moose, I gotta share the whole trip...

After a horrendous, hot, non-stop work day at the factory I came home with yet another headache, & took a powernap with an ice pack on my head & woke wih the headache still pounding. I recalled a conversation with my big brother, Buzz(don't go there) who told me when he has a bad headache, he gets on his bicycle & rides fast & hard until he feels like his head is going to burst, and then it goes away.

I do best with music, as you know. Even with a headache, my ipod gives me more wonderous gifts of altering the sate of my mind, altering my brain chemistry slightly, giving a lil relief, and something other than the headache to think about...so,

I put in the ipod, get a fresh icepack for my head, and get on the treadmill, determined to make it work for me. 40 minutes of steady trucking, balancing the ice pack, maybe holding it in place with one hand, trucking to the tunes, head pounding, ice numbing...and then for just a second, the half melted ice pack stared to slide off just as I closed my eyes for just a second in pain, then, the icepack fell, hit the treadmill and wooosh! Slid down the conveyer belt aspect & flew into the wall. I lost my balance, and just like on America's Funniest Home Videos, I fell, zoomed down the belt and landed up side down againt the wall with the mushy icepack uncomfortable ice pack wedged between mye sholderblades & the the floor. I was kind scruched up with my head on the floor, and my body 7 legs climbing the wall.

All 3 dogs came running, really worried, expressing their concern, wanting to be Sugar Moose's Lassie...

"You guys! I've fallen & I can't get up!"

Their heads tilt in unison, and convey their concern, but come no closer, as the treadmill is still running @3.2, which makes a lil noise...I remember laughing at myself, looking at what I could see of my banged up knees & very bloody left elbow...I squirmed around a bit, reaching out, finding support, I somehow, finally stood up to survey the damage. I take lots of calcium, and am so lucky not to have broken anything. Here, a week later, I finally cop to the fact that even though I want to be called "Cher", some folks have never quite forgotten to call me Sugar Moose. Even sober...it fits...

and I'll tell ya something else...it did not help my headache in the slightest.

Going to Crashtown now. I did 1 1/2 miles, with ipod & no icepack today & gots more time in than I planned, as the music was so good...almost 40 minutes, sometimes doing a fancy two step when Van Morrison, Carlos, or Mellencamp were rocking my world....but it does not help my headache. I have so many of them...I might as well get exercise & have a headache, than just plain have a headache & not get any exercise. I hold similar theories about similat situations while I have a headache, but that stuff is for another story another time, another space.
crashtown, here I come....

I love to be home...I just love it. And that is what my Saturdaze are for...me, loving to be home. Trying to sleep in(inferenal, internal alarm clock!),skimming over the Sat. AM news, drinking that extra cup of coffee slowly, talking and flirting with Bubba & the muttinskis...turning the TV off. Ususally on line before I get outta bed. Try not divide attention & time lazily, between surfin' the Stream, paying attention to Bubba, trying to get him to watch a movie with me before he goes forth once again to shave down the ever growing evil green grass A his Mom's &/or some aspect of our acre...or he answers the call of the wild & levels the ground while inlaying patio blocks in the workst heat the day has to offer...always, a man, drive.

And there's me, in the house with a hound or 2, the A/C on low/very cool, with one tube maybe playing a rock DVD or a chick flick(this last Sat.,"The Client", "A Time to Kill," & "What Dreams May Come"...making a healthy stab at token housecleaning, checking out the Stream, venturing into the junk room before escaping full-tilt-boogie. Sensation, libation(H2O or Cranberry/Apple juice...maybe some tea). and then, it's gone. now, I lay me down to rest for tomorrow.

Sunday (like most), I'm outta bed & hit the ground running...morning preparations for 1/2 day's work that barelypays for my gas to come & go to work. Then @ work, non-stop, always staying a lil late to get the job done right, work up a sweat, back home, shower, grab Rex & head to the small city I came from to visit family.

I spent longer than I intended eveywhere...at my sisters's-just so much to talk & think about. She's been very ill w/1 of her many sinus infections. We are both so concerned with the dramas our family collides with on an almost daily basis. She is sure that I will benefit from professional counseling...no tears from me this time, sorry to be a burden to my fam., and if they think I need help, other than making it on time to yet another appointment situated 35 minutes from work or home, & the traffic, & the summer heat & my irratability under strained circumstances every where I look...most anyone could probably benefit from counseling. I don't feel that I am in crisis right now, but "in a New York minute, everuything can change, things can get a little strange"..."and I feel like a stranger among those i love...people like me a whole heck of a lot more than I like myself, and just how sick is that? So, no hurry...but, I guess I'll check in with yet, one more, Shrink. I have voluntarily sought counciing on several occasions. Most of 'em are OK by me, pointing out truths I need to hear to fully realize the potentials of those truths. I guess that'll be another in my lobg line of mini-dramas

Ma was crazy for a cigarette...while smoking, she's singing,"A clickity clack, to there and then back, the blues in the night" Inspired by the thought of the blues, I had her listen to "Yhe Healer" w/John Lee Hooker & Carlos Santana...when Carlos aweeps in with the heart of his gutair, her eyes pop open wide in surprise..."Ma, that Caros Santana, isn't that gutair amazing?"
"Yes! Amazing!" she is quite agreeable these daze(Paxil)
3 cigs, baby talk Rex, zip her back to her room & an attendant, take some deep breaths & head for the next nusing home...picked up some White Castles as Dad asked, ^ sped the 40 minutes to where they were sitting, waiting, forgetting, fussing & spatting. Fed 'em, kissed 'em, left 'em.

Onto other sister's just down the road...more serious family talk, I need to be turning in receipt & mileage estimates & get reimbursed ot Uncle Sam will claim it & it is just one more thing to list, not loose, get into the mail, but as I do burn lots of miles tryin to be a good daughter, it either goes to the IRS or me...more details.

Home agan. Romantic trash burning with the man I love. the evening is gone. Crashtown to prepare for Mon., w & it starts again, not enough hrs in the day. another supervisor quit w/o notice today & they are demanding (as always) more quality work in less time, so i put in a lil time for free just to get 'er done. I am waaayy too good for them

Tomorrow is the dreaded inventory. more mundane, frustrating adventures, never enuff time, with storms & headaches predicted all week. Thunder roaring & rumbling now, forcing me to end this trite tale of candy everybofy wants(or not)

I get so &^^%%$$$%%^^&* many headaches...