1. You know, just about the time Oprah gets really good...today's rerun is about that warpped & wierd millinoaire old dude who went around kidnapping women & making then his sex slaves til he got bored with them & lets 'em go, & nobody believed the ladies, or they just never reported thier kidnapping & abuse cuz they feared the cops. Horrible as he is, it was cunning of him to never kill them...this way, we pay his room & board for the rest of his life...strange daze, indeed, Mama...

2.It was a rough week. Every morning, I woke to horrific headlines on the tube's local morning news & GMA, and everything just bit the big one with such intensity, leading the day off with mind-blowing crap & crappola running me down the rest of the day like the beads of sweat pouring into my stinging eyes, & me, still trying to work, and do a really good job in spite of everthing. Then, came the paycheck...$176 & change...that day off last week really hurt...but, @ least it was a GOOD DAY OFF!!!oh, yeah, I'm just so grateful for theat 10cent rent.

3.Funny. The pill thief of a few months ago, called me today as I was entering crdit union...said, "Guess who this is? You don't know who I am, do you?"
I hesitated,"Carrie? Whassup?" In the credit union now, not wanting to make a scene, callin her names or being flip. My turn @ the window,"Wait. Hold on," I put the phone down, do my banking biz, picked up the phone, she hung up. Didn't call her back. Turned me ipod on Red Hot Chili Peppers, & turned 'em up, & hit the country roads headin' for home, hoping she wouldn't be there when I got there. So heavy into Red Hot Chili Peppers enroute home, honestly, missed her return call 10 mins later. Got home, no body but us puppies @ Bubba's Place, replayed all of RHCP sittin on the back porch, noticed I had missed her call, chose not to call her back again, & watched the dark clouds gathering for tonite's rain with the pups for awhile, then came in to hit the Stream. Extremely fond of RHCP & all music in most any shape or form. Heard John Lee Hooker & Carlos Santana doin "The Healer" while sittting on the back porch, cloud watching. Reflected on the many times that that masterpiece of blues has actually healed me, and allowed it to heal me again. I want this young witch to forget I exsist...I can forgive, but she will only take advantage of my kindness, so I best keep kindness to myself, in all ways that I can. To assist with the healing, to strengthen my inner self. Never ending battle, truth, juctice, & kickin' it back.

4. deep breathes. maybe 1 asprin, more...2 tylenols @ 2pm....time for Oprah...need 1pod break anyway....been my constant companion 7/8s of my day, so far....maybe caffieene in coffee will help...storms are coming the sky is falling-I can feel it in my head! i pod ends with Moody Blues "to Share My Love."

5.Bubba detests Oprah, he is painfully pro NRA, & not so,are Oprah's opinions. It's almost 4:20...Bubba's late, unless he is mowing the lawn at his Mom's which could be. Thank God. it's Friday. I am looking forward to Bubba's return, hope he beats the storms, hope we can spend a quality Fri eve together spoiling the pups & each other.It's a good life when it is finally Fri...do a lil dance, make a lil love, get down tonite!

1,multiple storms have left me off line for fear of attractinf lightening this week.

2.Hot, hot, humid, unbearably bad days with never ending stuff that needs to get done for the poor kids in the factory's heat relief restricted to my 6-hr limit just cannot be done(by me) & the guilt @ doing my job half assed is depressing me & the heat...I just come home & sleep.

3. I lost a very important key related to work. I wish they would fire me, but they tell me that I am forgiven(shoot).

4)I don't care...you cannot hear in the factory anyway & the boss sez it is cool, so I weear my ipod as much as possible & at least have something to get me through the non stop, no break work...people were demanding that I stop work & sit for 5 minutes as the heat was so bad & I was so pale, sweaty, & in poor humor.

5. i can't do this in the morning...I gotta get to work! later gator

finally, Friday...and I've asked for Sundays off AGAIN...the money is crap, time off is precious...dunno when they will find coverage, they's like to have no one do it, but then I eat crappola on Monday primarily because I WORK ABOVE PAR FOR SUCH A SUB PAR COMPANY. feeling like I WANT TO QUIT, then go job hunting, but not in this economy...

also, this wk, I learned that Jeff, he of relentless rudeness is not rude because he neccesarily disrespects me...he is a recovering alcoholic....his meds make hin mean...he is intent on saving the world as that constant urgency will keep him from slipping...I see him differently now, and I am disappointed in myself for not realizing that his problems were deeper than I gave him credit for having. I pray a lil prayer for him now...& for me, for patience.

I felt a lil shiver of surprise, "My mother? Doris? Doris loved to dance?"

Dad talks in circles a lot these days. He frequently mixes up his memories and his stories with his high school sweetheart, Faye, and my mom, Doris, and my stepmother, Rene. Rene has no sense of humor when he is mixing up names, and, events, times, and places. She is very insecure, very jealous, and feels all of his conversation should be regarding her. One thing for her to demand it, another for Dad to obey it. His mind wanders. 45 years ago, seems like last week, maybe last year. He loves to talk & tell stories, as do I.

"Oh yes, Doris. Your mother used to love to dance. She knew all of the latest dance crazes, and moves. I was like a hill-billy with 2 left feet out there on he floor with her. It was embarassing for me, but she just wanted to keep on dancing, no matter what." He stared out into the rain with his one good eye. Both eyes were bulging in his strained attempt to somehow improve his vision. He really can only see out of the bottom half of his left eye, his right eye shows him forms and colors that make no sense.

He sighed."I was usually up on stage, playing with the band...I didn't have time to show her any attention when she wanted to dance, 'cause I had to play the music. Sometimes, I'd ask a friend of mine to dance with her, 'cause I could see she was going crazy trying to keep still, usually sitting alone at her table, or sitting with you kids."

"I didn't know that, Dad," and I thought of myself at Greatful Dead or Carlos Santana Shows. Anything with music, anyplace I could find to twirl or exhault in the rythm, stomping around, pirouetting and spinning. I couldn't care less if I looked like a hillbilly with 2 left feet. In those days, I lived to dance at those rock shows, all of the time. Usually alone. I didn't want a dance partner, I just wanted to dance, and then, dance some more.

"I don't ever remember seeing her dance, Daddy, unless it was a little fancy two steping and twisting a bit in the kitchen," We three girls would wash & dry dishes while Mom sat in the Breakfast Nook playing solitaire. We'd sing while we worked, trying to harmonize, trying to out sing each other, and out joke one another, but as awestruck as our Mom was when we managed an occasional very pretty, sister-inspired harmony. Mom might have pranced a bit here & there then, but by in large, I don't recall more than a coupla flashy lil steps.

We were her 3 girls. The 2 boys had less feminie inclined chores, and if they sang while they worked, they must've kept a low profile. I think we girls liked to show off for Mom as she seemed to enjoy it so, I remmeber her sitting at the Elk's Club's table with us, smoking a cigarette or two, after dinner, then rounding us up, and taking us home, leaving Dad to his entertaining, needing to get the 5 of us ready for bed...baths, laundry, maybe a lil clearing and cleaning, but like me,she was always trying to find a minute to put her nose into one of her paperbacks. As we grew, and needed less attention. Mom became enthralled with her reading. Lying in bed, smoking, reading,munching, maybe playing a game of solitaire... for hours, every day, every hour that she wasn't at work, she'd be in bed with her nose in a book. I think she guessed some things about Dad's long hours...always coming home with alcohol on his breath-he was simply fond of scotch &/or beer. I can see now, Mom was depressed. Dad playing the local bars & clubs most every Wed., Fri.,Sat., and sometimes Sunday afternoons. Company parties, personal parties, birthdays, anniversaries, even funerals. I used to say that my Dad was the Jerry Garcia of our lil berg in Indiana. I never realized that my Mom wanted similar freedoms that I've been priviledged to have had... to do a series of whirling dervishes to the music. I don't think women danced alone very often in the 50's & 60's...not if they needed to keep their eyes on their 5 lil rascals. If they were to dance alone the ettiquitte of the age would not encourage dancing with a passion, as my freedom, myself, commands of me. I know she was depressed because I know how I feel about dancing, that not having the opportunity to dance only added to her depression. I know this now, because dancing to me, is such a gift, such a release, such a neccesary part of me. I don't care who thinks I'm foolish...I am always bursting at the seams to join the great cosmic dance. And I now @ age almost 54, I learn that my passion is most likely an extension of my mother's...just as I dance alone and dance with my dogs now, once upon a time, my mother probably swayed me around the room in time to the music. I think that I can remember her whirling around with the baby girl of we 3, I might remember feeling a little jealous of the baby girl, too. Even back then I wanted to dance so bad that I could taste it, and bop on my own in a corner, as Mom whirled the baby around and around...

The rain continued. Dad contined, (as Rene was out of earshot,"Yeah, honey, she sure could dance, your mother. And she loved it so!"

I think back to an hour ago, visiting with my mother at her nursing home. I had taken her out for cigarettes for that is what she demands, and if that is the only thing that makes her happy, we kids have decided to let it be. We'd been sitting in the soft, blustery wind between storms, and on impulse, I put my ipod earphones to her ears, so that she could listen to Clapton, "Walking With My Baby, On The San Francisco Bay." She rolled her eyes, she was slightly confused having never seen an ipod before, then I could see the whisking, double-time strumming of Eric's gutair on the intro. She didn't waste a minute. She was bopping up & down, and side-to-side in that chair, keeping time with her lit cigarette, trying to sing along. There's that lil kazoo solo towards the end of the tune, and it cracked her up."Kazoo!" she yelled a lil too loudly, "That's a Kazoo!". She applauded when the song was over.

"I've been to the San Francisco Bay!" she bragged, and added, "I wish that I had been there under better circumstances", nodding her head up & down.

"Yeah, Ma, me, too. But I was young and stupid, and I thought that it was love," She had come out for my doomed wedding in 1975, and she & my soon-to-be-husband hated each other at first sight, they fought in the airport as she got off the plane, through the luggage terminal, the whole ride to the house and when we got there, they fought some more.

"Yes, you certainly were young and stupid", She agreed. Aww Ma! She says what she thinks.

"But I'm happy now, Ma, that's what counts," I point out to her.

"Yes, you are happy now, and you deserve to be. You've got a wonderful man, now. I just wish you'd get married."

"Ma, it ain't broke, we're not gonna fix it"

"Whatever. I'll take that last cigarette now"

"Sure Ma, whatever."

Big, fat, full, day.

Just under 5 hrs Sunday Morning work I was only supposed to stay 4 hrs. but that wasn't enough time to do a good job. I cannot charge de company for that hour over, but I can maybe get off an hour early during the week to make up for it.They've made it clear...do all the work in the aloted time & just take off, stop, go home when your time is done. I've made it clear. I want to do a good job. I'm hoping that we can work out an unofficial agreement to trade off hours accordingly.

Got home, put on a dress (a must for Daddy's little girl on Father's Day-Daddy's almost 54 yr old little girl), got Rex up in the front seat, (white dog, red truck, & me in a dress...too bad I don't own a camera) & we zipped on over to my best buddy Deb's. Rainy old day complete with flucuating barometric pressure & high winds=YET ANOTHER HEADACHE, DON'T YA KNOW?

But it's all good. Deb fixed me a huge cup of coffee & it subsided some. Sorry to drink & run, but was on a tight schedule. Felt pretty human by the time we got to Mom's nursing home. She was sitting up in her wheelchair, ready for anything. I just think that they hadn't had a chance to get her into bed. I told her she was sly & ready to go smoke dem cigs & she say's"Sound's like a plan. I knew they'd get around to putting me down for my nap, now I'm glad they're late!" We went outside for her smoking session...a nice warm blustery day in between rainstorms. She had 3 cigarettes, one right after another & I put my ipod in her ears & she got down to a lil' Clapton, "Walking with my baby, down the San Fracisco Bay...if I ever get back to stay, it's gonna be another brand new day, a-walkin' with my Baby, by the San Frascisco Bay," You know the tune...it's got a lil kazoo solo in it...she loved it. Sitting in her chair, moving to the beat, puffing away, and sweet talking Rex(Rex is really her dog)...she had him for 3 years before she had to go into the home. She is always delighted to see him & talk baby talk to him, & as long as it is any form of attention, you can bet he eats it up. Took Mom back in after cigs were finito, nabbed an aide & got her comfortable into bed, put a coffee flavored sugarless hard candy in her mouth, had some Sunday fluff movie going on the tube & she was dozin before we left the room.

Onto Dairy Queen. Picked up a big ol triple chocolate ice cream cake & hightailed it the 1/2 hr to Dad's Nursing home. Bro-in-law Rick & sis Jan were already there...they set up their RV in the parking lot, & it has a long awning over the top & Dad & Rene were already out there in their chairs, while Rick, the Grill Master, was doing up hamburgers & hot dogs with all the trimmings. The rain came & went several times, but it was pleasant enough, a mini-adventure I told 'em,& we were sheltered by the awning. There was pasta salad, potato salad & cottage cheese(Dad's favorite) for sides, and Rick & Jan's beagle Sally Jo was meadering around making rounds of their own to the many humans who enjoy spoiling them. It was as good as it gets. Not too hot. Dad invited the guy next door to him to join us. He's in a chair, too. Another stroke victim, Chuck & his wife had a good time too. I ate my girst burger in a coula years, today. I hardly ever eat red meat or hot dog, but it would be silly of me to hold out during this lovely picnic with Pop. He had a great time. He's got these 2 songs stuck in his head that his Mom wrote when he was a kid. He was reciting the lyrics ver batim, trying to get Chuck's wife to like it so she could get the music to her daughter & maybe make a demo out of it. He has been obsessed with those 2 songs for the last 3 or 4 years. He even tried to reach Barry Manilow once to tell him about them, but Barry never returned his call-he was mad at Barry for a good year after that...Daddy's been pretty far out there for a long time now. But he's still our Daddy & he's still fun & we still love him. Barry Manilow...didn't return his call...go figure.

Drove home 45 mins thru yet another storm, but amazingly the head ache is gone compltely. But Rex is already passed out beside me & I can almost taste the sleep that I crave.

So, no spell check, just checking in, now, I'm checking out-Crashtown, here I come. Tomorrow-the adventure continues...

I'm not all that fond of Wally World, but in this fast paced world, there is always one nearby. I already have "Pay It Forward" & ""What Dreams may come" on VHS tape, but found the DVD's on special, 2 for $8! These are 2 of my favorite movies ,and I'm a happy camper to add them to my DVDcollection.

Bubba does not care for them, as there ae no explosions, and lots of talking...it's a man thing. The movies might be described as chick flicks, but I don't see why. I highly recommend them, maybe they are on sale at a Wally World near you, too.

Haley Joe Osmond ("I see dead people") in "Pay it Forward" is outstanding as a noble, socially concious 11 yr old who has an idea to change the world and make it better through big random acts of kindness & having everyone he is kind to is only beholden to perform 3 more random acts of big kindness for 3 othet folk & each one of those 3 are extremly kind to 3 more. I understand that the movie is based on actual true events...that there really was a youg'un with this plan to change the world for the better. It's an inspirational flick with Helen Hunt & Jim Caviezel(Jesus in "Passion of the Christ), and Kevin Spacey. It's a tear jerker ther at the end, but many a good movie does just that...

"What Dreams May Come" is a Robin Williams serious concept of life being Hell, if that is what we choose to make it for ourselves, just as we have the choice of Hell or Heaven in the afterlife. I choose living life to the fullest(albeit on a budget), and I plan to accept my cross over when it comes & make the best of it before, during and after the completion of the circle.

Good, deep, thought provoking movies very well done.

geeeez Saturday is gone. Bubba is already asleep & I gotta hit crashtown so I can get to work early & get off early go grab a boxfull of White Castles & a DQ Ice Cream cake to Dad for Father's day. He thinks he wants beer &/or Scotch, but I know that this junkfood will be buzz enough for an 83 yr old stroke victim with Alzhiemers. Hope to rendevous with both sisters & make it a quick lil party, he can see the 3 of us & Rex & in all that excitement will exhaust hin. Need to go sing with my Mom while she smokes a coupla cigs in her wheelchair. That will put her right back in bed after a coupla songs & cigs, as that lil excursion will drain her energy. Yep, the folks have really lost their stanima in the last few months. It is so sad, but I do what I can & try not to go crazy, cuz if I let it, their decline threatens my own inner-peace. It is pretty much up to me to flip, freak or fly or just keep movin on, doing the best that I can do at the time, one day at a time.

Crashtown is hitting me upside me face now.
See y'all 'round splashing in the stream, really soon, I hope.
Take good care, so glad you stopped by.
C ya,