1) My mom once told me that getting Alzheimer's (in the early stages) really isn't so bad. She says," You can watch the same movie 5 times, and on the 6th time through, you still can't guess the ending. It is always a new movie! The same with reading books!" It is scary and funny to watch lil bits & pieces of me, following along in Mother Dear's footsteps. I hope to encourage the funny aspect of this development, as that is what my mother has chosen to do, and she is loved by all. A joy to be around. Always agreeable, kind, loving, singing, joking, flirting...I aspire to be more like her as I age, she is everybody's favorite resident, & only complains when she can't have her cigarettes. And she is always singing. My older brother tells me that keeping active & physically fit will ward off symptoms of dementia progression, so, I have one mo' reason to hit de treadmill as much as I can on a daily basis. Wherever I go, however I act, however I age, I want music to play an integral part in my life, always. My mom sings all the time. I can't think of a better way to pass the time when in the Nursing Home.

2. On that note, I just now survived a 1/2 hr tour of my junkroom, unearthing things that I have not only forgotten that I had, or ever had, or ever owned. Strange phase,indeed, Mama-most peculiar!

I Swear to God, there's stuff in there that I never gave permission to enter! I found my guitar! Easily, m.i.a x >4 yrs! I used to get drunk with Dad's cute Luthier & gutair teacher during my lessons. Meanwhile, Dad & Rene were getting drunk in the basement waiting for the 2 of us to come down & get drunk with them. No wonder I never learned! I don't drink anymore...maybe I could teach myself, as I've come this far in Cyberspace after a 3 hr squeak of a computer lesson from my big brother when he bestowed this wonderous gift of a laptap upon me for last year's birthday early. It could happen. Haven't had booze for 3 yrs or so, now. (Life is so much better!)

I found a rod iron wastebasket that must've belonged to Rene before we had to move them into the nursing home. What on earth am I going to do with such fashionable, cheesy attempt at style from the 60's? And these two lil lamps that she used to put on either side of her mirrored dresser to ensure she got that Cleopatra eyeliner to meet up with the tip end of her brow. I believe there was a time when she toyed with bestowing beauty marks by the right side of her lip. She had a peroxide bee-hive as far back as I can recall, until the nursing home told her she had damaged her hair so much that they couldn't get it to hive any more. These lamps she used the light from to stand and to apply her layers of make up, are cheesy, white& white-gold painted lil stands with white lampshades adorned with flowing white ribbons. I think she fashioned them herself.Sadly creative, but I'm such a picky deadhead...I live on a dirt road & have 3 dogs. I have no use for make up mirrors or lights or much of anything colored white, cuz it won't stay that way for very long out here in Indiana Country.

I found books, tapes, my father's boxer shorts, a couple of his shirts(I had just never opened that cheesy white hopechest before)....I ended up closing the lid real fast. It's Friday! It's time to dance & breathe & play my ipod while I blog. Going through my step-mother's abandoned hopechest is not a Friday adventure. Not in my book. I found lots of stuff in surrounding
tins & baskets & boxes & quizzical containers. Bubba likes to just shove whatever stuff of mine that gets into his way into my junkroom. I'm really easy going, I never object. I'm just glad that he does not trash it as he really wants to. I just found some real treasures today in there, that I had long ago given up for lost!! Is it a full moon or somethun? Treasures, I tell ya, treasures! Yet, my treasures are still Bubba's trash. Polar opposites. If you knew me, you would never figure how I would up with this simple, kind, honest, quiet country boy who never even heard of The Grateful Dead until I came into his life-and would just as soon not ever hear from them again!

3. Music on my ipod includes, but is not limited to excerpts from the following artists: The Grateful Dead,Carlos Santana, Santana & Rob Thomas & Santana & Dave Matthews and all those artists Carlos made music with for his recent CDs, trying to transcend the generations through music(whatta guy!), Santana Band, Carlos Santana & friends, Carlos & his brothers from" Los Hermanos," Carlos & John Lee Hooker, and John Lee Hooker' own "The Healer CD, Bob Dylan, Jerry Garcia Band, Jimmy Buffet, Niel Young, Crosby, Stills Nash & Young, Eric Clapton, Elvis Costello,(doing the Dead's "Ship of Fools", Dwight Yokum doing The Dead's "Truckin'" & all those artists paying tribute on "Deadicated", Sweet Baby James Taylor, Dan Folgleberg, ekoostic hooka,The Shantee, Stevie Ray Vaughn, ZZ Top, Pink Floyd, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Cat Stephens, Van Morrison, Little Feat, Steely Dan, Jethro Tull, Tom Petty, The Eagles, Jackson Browne, John Fogerty & Creedence, John Mellencamp, Derek & the Dominos, Blues Traveller, Simon & Garfunkle, The Who, The Indigo Girls, The Moody Blues, and The awsome, yet-to- be-discovered young Derick Howard, a local young man of such talent and tantalizing potential, with his own sweet 'n soft rock-steady style, who, just happens to the the kind, fair-haired, heart-of-gold son, of my best friend. He composes,writes, mixes, records, sings, plays gutair, keyboards,& some percussion and is sure to have me up dancing around the kitchen when he grants me a lil private concert, which he does whenever he can, as he is very kind, and very talented. He has played with ekoostic hookah on occasion, even opened for them and set in on a few shows with the Shantee. He's been invited to California Music Festivals, and it goes without saying that he is much in demand on the local Mid-West bar circuit from Lafayette, In. to Louisville Ky, from Indy to Ohio, to all of our surrounding bergs...always, always, performing, always smiling sweetly, and he sings straight-way ,right into my hippie chick heart, about good friends, campfires, singing, love, lost love, no boundries, learning, traveling, jugs of nectar, laughing, dancing and smoke over them thar hills.

My ipod is full. Derick has a new CD coming out this next month, of which he will give me one for free as he knows I love him & his Ma & they both love me. There is no way around it. I will have to buy myself a second ipod for my 54th birthday, and start with the downloading, with the magic of young Derick. He's got a Hot Mail Email site, where you can hear him, but I lost the complete correct e-mail address....it's more than likely in the junkroom. Sounds like a Saturday project, to me. He's a great kid. His Mom bought him his first gutair from my Dad's music store, back before Dad had to retire. Got his first lessons there. Took off like a rocket! Hasn't quit, never wants to quit, wouldn't mind making it big, but will always make music his life. He is quite appealingly consumed by making music...it is as if music chose him....outtasite! She raised him on her own & he is such a joy to her. Like my nephew is to my lil sister, just graduating from Harvard, after running a marathon along the Great Wall of China where he asked his long-time girlfriend for her hand in marriage(she ran the marathon, too).

4)I have no Beatles, Rolling Stones, Bob Marley, Jimmy Cliff, Marvin Gaye, Deep Purple, Talking Heads, Willy Nelson, Beach Boys(Pet Sounds),The Doors, Buddy Holly, Chris Issak, Paul Simon solos, Kansas, Arlo Guthrie, George Harrison, John Lennon, Jack Johnson, Dave Matthews Band, and artists too numerous to mention(giving me a lil happy headache trying to think of them all, if you can imagine such a thing)and have considered the manner for many days & come to the conclusion that I not only want a second ipod, I need it! I will beg & borrow CDs from my sister and from Derick to download. They love me, they know where I live, they trust me, I am trustworthy. I will bring my laptop to them & they can watch me download right there & their CDs will never have to leave their houses! This will truly be a new Summer of awakening...ipod-mania! I am so hooked! So Happy! So in love with music! My ipod, without a doubt is the best money that I have ever spent on me. Folks have several guns, fishing boats, motorcycles, care, trucks, pool cues, televisions, stereos...I'm doing it! I'm pooling my resources, saving my pennies, counting my saved pennies (have 2 large jars stuffed with spare change-cash those bad boys in) & I am somehow going to present myself with a second ipod sometime around my July Birthday. Then, with rings on her fingers & bells on her toes, she shall have music WHERE EVER she goes. Oh, I can't afford it, but I have to get it! Don'tcha think?

5.This week, my company assigned the most amazing young lady to work with me. She is good, kind, outspoken, funny, energetic, talented, gregarious, enchanting, hard working and non-stop energy. We got so much work done, and done well, and completely & amazingly found time to sit down & talk a little & get to know each other on a more personal level. She is 28, with 3 kids, an ex, a new husband who almost died several times after a work-related injury (to his lungs) and 2 seperate bouts of Staph infection while he was in the hospital trying to save his lungs( he did die on the table twice). He lost over 130lbs, but is recovering well these days, working constuction helping to support the family, just a she is doing, while still trying to raise her kids(ages, 8,6,and 2). In her 28 years, this young woman has been to Hell & back several times over, yet raised the two boys on her own(no folks), working myriad jobs, usually 2 and 3 at a time. She is going to be contuing with her college in the Fall, with a major in English and a minor in Spanish. She wants to be a school teacher. Her head is on so straight & I cannot even begin to tell you the many reasons why it shouldn't be. The crappola she has been through is mind boggling. She says she wants to write a book, but dosen't have the time...I have the time. I'd like to write her story. I feel if everything happens for a reason, and I love to write, and I am in a position to at least try & write, i want to tell her story. She goes beyond strength and teeters at the edge of heroine. I want to write her story. I think she might go for it. She's all about being outspoken, and helping other people, and I know from talking to her that she thinks telling her stories would help others-she has given several "talks" and lectures to that effect & been well recieved in her area. I don't need to be Pearl S. Buck or Stephen King, but I do NEED to write. And I want to write her story. I wonder if she would let me. What do you think? It couldn't hurt to ask, could it?

Deb, Kathy, Sara, my Mom,...they all have such stories...and I, I just love to tell stories....

Weather-outstanding...low 80's & a real beaut of a day!

I am told that the storm is over & God's children can come back to the light & that is always such a good thing to hear. Lucy is back in the sky with diamonds-yeah!

Home by 2 after a full, productive day. Just about got everything done, as I had some part time assistance. She'll be helping me out on the morrow. as well, so I'm kind of counting on gliding into my Friday Nite and my day off on Sat. That's going to be so very cool.

Boss-gurl says I can wear my ipod @ work. It comes off for conversation, as needed, & goes back on as soon as possible, as music is my mantra. Some folks think that it's rude, but I am blocking out lots of cussing & disgruntled employee bitchin which does not add to the quality of my day. Some folks just don't like to see other folks enjoying their 6 hr jobs while they are so full of hate & contempt for the 12 hrs that they are stuck there for. I did some minimal dead-end job searching on my day off Monday. Lots of competion w/summer breaks & new grads. Nothing looks very promising & I know w/o asking that my ipod would be verbotten on the job, which is cool, cuz I, too , am surprised that my boss lets it slide, But I figure, she figures that that insult of a dime raise could not really be called a perk, she had to give me some reason for sticking around. Just passin' through, biddin' my time, until something better comes my way.

I'll prob also get around to seeing a physcologist for my self-esteem problems. After over 1/2 a century of valuing others over me. It's gonna be hard to change my spots. But as I said, no worries. I've made it this far. Things can only get better if I try, I'm hoping.

Tuesday, I did my personal best on ye olde treadmill, 2 1/2 MILES IN A LITTLE OVER AN HOUR NOT STOPPING ONCE. Then felt a mite peekid Wed & skipped it & tried to sleep. I've got to wind up theis short entry & go maow down on some Chineese veggies Bubba is nuking, then hit the treadmill again to try & exceed Tuesday's performance. Haven't lost a pound, but strength & endurance have improved with amazing speed. The trick is too never stop. Slow way down if you want to rest, but don't get off & sit.Just don't. Then build it back up after you get your wind back. It is what works for me. So I best be getting to working it.

Still dunno what is to be done for Father's day. Dad says that he wants Whitecastles...remember, there is definte brain damage on top of Alzheimer's there. I'm just happy to make him happy. But fearless Bro_In_Law want to brave the heat & humidity & grill out for them even though extremely hot & humid Sunday is predicted. If he can't grill, we fear he might go camping & Jan might miss Father's Day with Dad which would break everybody's heart. Dunno what, if anything, Sister Kath plans to do. Rumor has it Touchy Subject's Mokie Joe (Dixie Chicks, bro? Like Tom & Katy-who cares?)(maybe just not me) was in & out of town last wkend & didn't have time to visit anyone else. It's a long drive. I can roll. I thought he had my cell # though, but must not.

Chineese Veggies & Bubba call...then, the treadmill & the shower & soon it will be time for my personal hero Earl, who like me, is just trying to be a better person...

Lucy don't need no more drama. I cannot fathom why anyone would want to rain on my Lucy's parade. I read CH's entry today...and Prank's reply...& the half-baked freaking from California and I just don't get it. Private detectives? who is jiving who? It'd make me happy if Mike is not really sick...he's not asking anyone for anything but a little conversation. is this supposed to be fun? helloooo....I am missing the point

Is this a repeat performance of sound & fury signifying nothing?

Folks need to get themselves a treadmill. They need to get an ipod. They need to visit & hang out on the Stream occasionally, but don't live for it. Waters run high, then low, and we gots to go with the flow. Why the drama? There is not enough drama in our daily lives without bringing it to the Stream? I dunno, & I don't wanna know. I just want Prank to come back after his summer vacation, and for Lucy to never go away. I want Mike to be all better and SoCal to just spit it out, & quit stuttering that incomplete freaking. Life is just too short to mess with this stuff. Who needs it?

This is my blog. It's all about me. I say that with no guilt, cuz that's what it is. No politics, religion, fantasies, sex trips, ego trips, power trips, physchs, no tom foolery, no bullshit, no lying, cheating, backstabbing, screwing over, no selling, no begging, no bargining, no crappola, and did I say no bullshit? with malice towards none. I still believe Mike when he says "Play nice." And mercy for all. How hard is a lil mercy? Let it be. & keep away it from me. Homey don't play dat game. NO MO DRAMA!!!!!!!!

That said, back to me...it IS all about me over here. For better or worse.

Things are better. Nobody seem in a hurry to rush me to a shrink concerning my lack of self esteem. I've lived a long time without it, & unless my driving catches up with me, will most likely live a lot longer.

I had fun at the young hippie baby shower. Mom-to-be is the girl who gave me that purple dancing bear key ring that somebody stole off my keychain last Christmas Season while I was standing in line with Mr.Jimmy at the credit union, as you may recall. She gave me a replacement key chain...desined & signed by J. Garcia. She was very sweet to my companions & I, all of whom did not wish to attend due to past wounds inflicted during times of drunkeness. I dunno. I forgive. I was just starting to enjoy myself when I get a whisper in my ear that everybody is waiting for me to finish stuffing my face so that they could leave. An hour max, and we ducked out just before the inane games they always insist on playing started. 5 miles down the road, and WHAM! Instant Karma comes back to bite us on the butt. Deb had insisted her gas gauge was broken & she actually had plenty of gas. Turns out, her gauge was broken & she was out of gas. We pulled off to the side of the country road & the guy behind us, pulls over right away & asks if we need help & offers to go get us gas. After waiting for his return for an hour in the blustering rainstorm, all 4 of us had our cells to our ears calling for backup when finally, he DID return & save the night. Kinda gives ya a lil faith in folks, dosen't it?

My step mother is declining rapidly, with my Dad following right behind, just as he has done all of his life. He will not stay long after she goes. We all know this. And we are all powerless to help. Heck, when ya come down to it, all of us are powerless, in all things. Some of us just fool ourselves into thinking that we can help, change, improve the way that things just are. My Mom is doing OK, she only wants to smoke & sleep & she's extremely compliant as long as she gets to smoke. She is fascinated with reading, only no longer reading books as she used to be...these days, it's signs, bill boards, licsense plates, writing on the sides of vans and cars...she is like a little kid, proud that she can read the writing.

And I am not freaking out. Remember how I used to freak out & produce mini-dramas of my own? about my folks, I mean. (I know, I am drama prone in general, I'm a dramatic girl.) But now, I've reached a different stage of mourning, I guess. I am resigned to let things happen as they will. To take these terrible times in stride, to await the next crisis quietly. No doubt, the drama will return in flare ups, and I am not proud of this fairly new aspect of my ability to withdraw, as needed. Like remembering to be good to myself, I forget & remember...I stress out & get over it. I guess we all do.

I don't want to lose Lucy. She brightens my day, sometimes, my life. I hate that the Stream has become a hassle to her. I hope she stays. Stay Lucy, just a little bit longer...this too, shall pass. Gonna miss you if you go. you daughtersistermotherwifegirlfriend, you. We all do love ya. I guess some of us, just a lil much.

Uno) Last Wednesday's's storm has been confirmed an F1 tornado, centered 7 miles down the road from our lil green acre. When the worst had passed, Bubba sez,"I think it's over," to which i replied, "It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings, and trust me darlin', you don't wanna hear me sing," to which he emphatically replied, "YOU'RE NOT FAT!" I asked him to repeat it twice, which he did, with feeling...love my man.

Dos) Positive reinforcement from the one I love has inspired late evenings on the treadmill over 40 mins, each night since...and I have sailed right on through it, stopping only as I don't want to produce too many endorphins to sleep & didn't want to pay for it with any more aches & pains than the norm on the morning after. Beats guilt tripping, methinks...

Tres)I am going to a young hippie couple's baby shower tomorrow. My first party in a coupla years. I'm up for the adventure, but I'd rather hang out at the old homestead. Anytime, everytime, I do so love to be home wih Bubba & the pups...full circle from the party animal that years ago earned me the nick name, "Sugar-Moose." Y'all kin call me, Cher these mellow daze.

Quatro)I keep circling...my land line is pretty much devoted to my laptop which I am celebrating my 1 yr. anniverary with, today. An early birthday present from my older genius brother, Larry(a straight dude who's nick name is "Buzz". I have an ipod, now & will try to teach myself to download some reggae & Rolling Stones from the net in the near future. My entire CD collection has been downloaded onto it & I don't even want to come up for air, unless it is for Bubba or other select social encounters. Love the music in my head. It comes back to me at night, in my dreams. The music heals & feeds my head. I used to live in the ghetto in Oakland, Ca...now, I'm on a gift-from-God acre in Indiana. so happy, this time, this year. so different from last year & every year before...this time, last decade, or this time, 15 yrs ago, or @ this time the years I spent in the SF Bay Area...will the circle be unbroken this time next year?

Cinco)I just got a phone call from my best friend Deb. We are going together rather relunctantly to this young hippie baby shower tomorrow. We used to hang with these youngsters in their early 20's.& they are flirting with 30, now, & have let it be known, off & on, in various ways that they do not value our friendship as much as they used to as, now that they cannot use us as designated drivers, renters of vans to go to Hookahville, buying their meals when they were broke, finding & giving them odd jobs to do for the buck$ when they were broke, pulling strings and other things that they used to, well, use us for...We really don't want to go, but we do wish to conduct ourselves with class...more class than they have been showing to us in recent years, and thus, we will attend on the morrow with all intentions of being short & sweet. We don't hear from these kids unless they want something from us, we feel. Tomorrow, they want presents. The invitation is BYOB...been there, done that, and oh, so over it...camping out overnite in their yard is permitted, and for some of the heartier patiers, encouraged. That is all well & good, but we've had our fill of their sef-involved dramas, and when we needed something, we got nothing, which is the way it is, but it is uncomfortable. We don't wants to see Carl get wasted & puke, again. We don't want to see Justin bearing a grudge, as Deb payed for him to get his pest-control licsense & when she left her house to go watch her son in Indy, & told them, no, they could not stay & use her house as a party house while she was gone, Justin tore up his license. To put it simply, we don't want to be subjected to more drunken dramas...and we are aware of several possibilties(i.e., the question of who the biological father really is. And will the mother-to-be be imbibing to her usual excess, and find it necessary to moon the crowd and flash her swollen breasts to those in attendance as she was quite often in the habit of doing 9 months ago. I dunno...I dunno why we were invited, nor why we said yes, once we were. They tired of us, then, we tired of them tiring of us-if you get my drift.

anyway, I wound up the phine call saying I planned to go job hunting Monday & had arranged for the day off. She says why bother...when my job is kinda fun, I dig the people & stuff. I say I need to make more money in case something were ever to happen to Bubba...she sez why bother...I can always live with her & we will grow old together, two old hippie ladies taking care of each other, looking out for each other. She tells me that she does not know anyone else that she would rather live with, and I will never be homeless...she loves me. I just need to allow myself to enjoy my life right now. She loves me, too. Stop worrying, no problems, enjoy. So I'm gonna go do just that.

Today is a jewel...beautiful day after the storm...cloudy, not too hot or humid, so fine.

And things at work just gentlely rolled along. If only I could have more days like this. Unhurried commute to & fro work,(10 miles each way, no gridlock, mostly bucolic. in & outta town in 4 minutes) ipod intact enroute. I do so enjoy my taste in music. Each tune more welcome, more soothing, more rockin' than the one before. Songs that stir up memories, bringing welcome flashbacks from chasing the music up & down the California coast for 17 magical years in my younger daze. I lucked out. I tasted the honey, and it was often no less than exquisite. Such a dancing fool, was I. Never shy. Often flirtatious, often lost in my own world of rythm and colors, dancing alone with my eyes closed, whirling and twirling into and around the other kids acting much the same, and lost in the joy of being in the right place at the right time. Yes, the ipod was the best thing I have done for myself in a very long, long time. Now, what do I do with ye o gone....lde Walkmans that are gatherin dust, batteries long dead.

whooops great day turned into a grateful nite & I have to wrap this up, quite unexpectedly. When my life is good it is very, very, good...