Once I put those negative vibes behind me, I had a pretty great wkend. 2 days off in a row is a real rarity, & I lived it up like the party animal that I have become...

Got Bubba the first season of Columbo, cuz we had such a good time watching the second season, which was the first one I bought for him, cuz, that's just the way I tend to live my life. A bit haphazardly, I suppose. It was hot & muggy, and whenever Bubba came in from the heat, mowing our yards, his mom's, installing the lil' window air conditioners @ both homes, & other minor miracles in the heat of the day, we spent time together laughing & enjoying these '70's classics. We are polar opposites in so many ways, and in others, we are so much alike. He took me to see "X-Men, The Last Stand," and being the ScFi nerds we are, we loved it. Can't wait for the DVD to come out, let it get cheap, & add it to our nerdy collection. We have a lot of fun enjoying the simple things in life, together. Like Lucy, I will wait for "The Davinci Code" to come out on disk & will have to get that one just for me, as Bubba is quite amadant that Jesus never had a girlfriend. He's quite surprisingly demonstrative about the theme, and I won't try to change his mind, I'll just get the DVD for me when it is cheap & I feel like treating myself.

I have plenty of tapes & DVD's I like to watch when he is out & about. He humored me with Tolkein's Trilogy at the theatre, but does not care to see them again. I just watched Sandra Bullock's "28 Days" today, a movie he would not like or grasp & I don't really want him to see it, as he just wouln't get it. I get it all too well. I like best when Viggo tells Sandra "Those are things that you did, not who you are." I don't want to dwell on past mistakes. I'm better than that in so many ways. But I sure hope that I have learned my lesson. I've kicked a lot of things, but there are occasional things lurking around corners threatening to kick me back. Never alchohol again though-just the smell sickens me. I'm over that, of that I'm sure, and at many points in my life, it was my life. But it is not who I am

Who I am is I cannot take the heat, as Bubba can. He revels in it, but not I. Bugs love to bite me, I sweat profusely & lose any semblence of lady-like dignity, and the heat & the sun & the humidity make me quite the witchy woman. I'd rather travel quickly from one air conditioned environment to the next, once the temps hit the mid 80's. I'm fair skinned, I burn,& I don't tan & I'm over trying to change the fact that I always have been, & always will be quite the Pale Face. I've got mid-life smile lines & wrinkles, but since I don't chase the sun, I look a few years younger than the truth, so I'm told. I can dig that. Sounds good to me. But ya know, it's funny, I have never lied about my age, ever. Intead, I have never been shy to bring it up...I think that deep down, I like to hear..."53? You certainly don't look it..." They may be just being kind, as I do have an occasional teenage blemish, but they are small these days, and don't last long(had to live 1/2 a century before scientists & I both discovered Proactive-it sure works for me-amazing, expensive stuff!)

July 5th, I will be 54. How strange is that? "Strange days indeed, Mama, strange days, indeed." I don't know a lot about astrology, just the basics of my Cancer-sign....and from what I recall, they are surprisingly accurate to who I am. But what do I know?

I know (this is kind of an answer to Mary Elizabeth's question about why my crying in my last post)...I've been giving those tearful earful days some thought, and I'm thinking of all the times that I have fled Indiana. I always had one excuse or another, but deep down inside, I know that I didn't want to be around my family & my small town when I did some of those things I did. Above all things, I never wanted to be a burden to my family. I wanted to explore, experiment, and make my monumental mistakes without burdening my family, or embarrasing them. I think a lot of the crying was admitting defeat (once again) in this aspect of my life. I thought I was doing pretty good, considering, but my family doen't see it that way. I know I have a long way to go, yet I reeally have come so far. I see now, that I still need to work on lots of things from the inside out. To be more assertive, to not allow people to take advantage of me (heck, I tend to INVITE them to! & that can't be good). Wishy-washy, too nice, too giving, too easy of a mark, all that kind of stuff. I have to work on being stronger, still. Telling somebody off when I feel they need to be. When I was married, I bragged that I could eat crappola better that anyone I had ever met-now, why would I brag about that? How sick is that? I may not brag about it these days, as I have come a long way, but the tendancy to allow others to demean me is still there. I just take it, and take it. And I have to cut it out.

There really have not been enough hours in the day. I haven't been visiting the blogs of those that have grown to love on the Stream, like I want to do. I hit the treadmill, but not enough. I clean the house, brush out the dogs, read, spend quality time with the man I love(like the romance of burning our trash together in the back yard, once the day has cooled, like tonight), do a little dance, make a little love, and get down tonight, get down tonite(OMG! KC & The Sunshine Band? I do need professional help!), but I never have enough time. And I am out of time tonight. It's an hour after crash time & I gotta post & run. No time for spellcheck.

Blog at y'all later...thanks for the words of encouragement & love...I can surely use them. This too, will pass.

1) I love my life. I dunno how it could be any better, unless I lost more weight (never be too thin), or made more money, never be too rich), or loved myself as much as I am in love with the rest of the world.

2)I, too, am tired about me bumming out. I've been crying since my talk with my sister Wednesday. In public, while driving, with Bubba, with the dogs, alone... I hate crying with a passion. I intend to give it up for as long as possible. Bubba says I don't need to see a shrink, I just need to visit Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I think that that sounds like a viable option to crying. So, for now, no more crying. Besides-which, when I stress myself out like this, I break out into hives & use hydrocotisone cream like it was whipped cream during some great sexual adventure...but no where near as much fun.

3) Good God, Indiana is beautiful! I so love my home. And it took me decades to recognize the obvious. Like most things in my life.

4)I never thought that men like Bubba really existed. Let alone could find it in his heart to love me back.

5)I always wanted to write, all my life...not be famous or anything like that, but I always wanted to write. Thank God for Blogstream. One more dream come true.

It was a full day, and a strange one. Bosses came to strictly enforce even less hrs. for me, a max of 6 hrs a day, not a minute more, or I will be written up. I just want to do a good job-something I can feel good about after the work day is done Guess I need to get over that noble ambition. I understand that it's the same all over, "Keep up the good work, but no matter what it takes, don't take enough time to do a good job." Fine. 6 hrs., a day, 4 on Sunday. So, before they left I asked them again for a raise, again. It's an every other month lesson in exhasperation..."we'll check on it & get back to you. That's all you make an hour? I thought that it was more than that. Remind me if I don't get back to you pretty soon on checking this out for you. The list of people getting raises has already been completed. We don't remember if you were on it or not. We'll get back to you."

Meanwhile, my lil' sis tells me that my big Bro doesn't know how to approach me, but he is willing to pay for me to see yet, another psychologist regargding my woefully poor self esteem. If I knew anyone who was so insecure as I am, I'd be the first to tell them to cowboy up, get a grip, carpe diem and all of that jolly good noise. But it's me that is suffering...that feels unworthy, undeserving, such a soap opera drama queen. I realize fully that these feelings are overwhelmingly counter-productive, but they are how I feel, non-the-less. My sis pointed to her sternum, and tells me that I need to love myself from THERE, to feel good from THERE...all I feel is a gray, tightly- bound, tangled, tightly -knotted, and frayed rope. So, whassup with me? I dunno, but I gotta do better. Sorry about the seemingly negative vibes, Donutz, Luce, ME, Moon, Ice, Mokie Joe, JB, Billyjones, Stace, Colo, John, and everybody...But truth is, I'm kinda sick in the head all-too-often, so much of the time...sometimes, I feel like a nut, sometimes, I feel like I need some professional therapy. Again.

Bubba dosen't get it. Heck, I don't get it...but, I do think I need it, before I waste anymore time on not really loving myself, just trying to love myself but, and so far, in vain. So, I am going to take Buzz up on his offer...and work on no mo' bad, self-inflicted vibes. Please. I'll tell Bubba later. I'm still dealing with accepting it first, with myself. This won't be the first time that I have tried to get help. Maybe it could be the first time that it works...They have a specific therapist in mind...one that they feel could teach me to use my inner tools that seem so dormant. A lady they all have faith and hope in.

There are not enough hours in the day...mine are up for today, 'tis crashola time. Many other strained, strange, tense, challenging, stressful, loving things happened today. But a storm is rolling in now (oh yes, Colo-you are right...when they do not bring migraines, I do love storms)...& as it seems that I've warded off a migraine for the time being, I am looking forward to hold hands, and cuddling with Bubba in the blessed dark, and inner quiet of the home that he built for me...for us.

I am looking forward to taking definitive steps to feel better about myself. They say that you never stop learning, so I shall embark upon the journey of again trying to learn to love myself.

This is not a whinney, negative vibe post. It is a declaration of getting serious about loving me & my wonderful life...cuz, I really dunno whassup with this sick aspect of how I am dealing with what should be healthiest part of me. I'm seriously going to be working on myself. Positive reinforcement from those who care will be appreciated, always. Thanks for checking in, friends.

Inventory can be fun if it is not a solo act...I worked with lil' Kath who ususally does my job evenings & Saturdays. She made it fun. Hope we can do it again next month. Not entirely done...but not frantic as I usually am for this pain in the buttinski.

Got home 5-ish, watched some TV w/Bubba("Stargate Atlantis"-we are such fun Sci-Fi happy nerds), Lean Cuisine Salmon for dinner(my norm), w/ fat-free fudgsickles for dessert. Then, that daily good-for-me dark chocolate square. My life is good. I took John's advice & skipped the treadmill for the day...I gotta have music to walk by & as I may have mentioned, when it comes to music, Bubba & I are polar opposites-he just can't take it & I cannot take it with out it. Since Bubba spent the evening inside with me, no music, no treadmill. Tomorrow's another day.

Hopefully, I will live to see tomorrow & many more tomorrows...my dear friend, JB,"The Magic of Life of a Soft Haired Boy", just called with the sad news that an old Navy buddy of our had died when a car collided wih his Harley up in Wisconsin. Orlando was a sweet Cajun New Orleans native who had a heart of gold and a smile that was infectuous. He was a kind soul, and always looked out for me in our Navy-issue days. I worried about him during Katrina, if i knew that he & John had kept in touch, I might have pushed to keep in touch. I thought of him often before, and now, sadly, I will think of him softly in the future. My heart hurts, and I must control my breathing. I think this would be a good time to turn out the lights, and rest and talk to my God about my friend. It was brave and kind of John to call me with this news, if it had to come, I'm glad that it came from another friend that I love. Thank you, John. Thanks.
Sweet smilin' alway happy Orlando...at least I was blessed enough to have known him. I'm very blessed in so many ways.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep...

Me on the treadmill(45 mins, 10 secs, just over 2 miles) in nothing, but a sweaty T-shirt, and The Best of Chris Isaak DVD on the tube in front of me.I just love the smiley packages from Amazon.com, don't you? Let's just say I wasn't paying as much attention to the treadmill's meter readings, as I usually do...

Chris's videos are rather..er...inspirational. Sensual, sexy, writhing, throbbing fine videos of a such fine young man, so easy on the eyes. He reminds me of Ricky Nelson, Roy Orbinson, surfer bands, even some traces of The Dave Clark Five...this was the best work out ever, so far. My thoughts were on exerting myself, but I really was not feeling the pain. The time just flew. I meant to stop @ 40 minutes, but as I may have mentioned, I do tend to get carried away. I had to force myself to stop when I did, as inventory is tomorrow & it will be that much more of a trying event if I am aching all over from having fun the night before. Ahem...I guess what I am getting at is that exercise is more fun with Chris...but, lucky me- I am also digging it with Tom Petty, The Dead, The Eagles, James T. and all of my other DVD's. Music is key. Chris is just my newest newly discovered exercise companion. I wonder, who's next? Maybe, The Who...I'll give that some thought.

What a beautiful Spring day. I worked constantly and hard 7A-1P, then was almost overcome by a wave of exhaustion, intense body aches all over, almost draining the good out of the day. I took a 15 minute break, sitting in my truck with the windows down, relishing the breezes, regaining my strength, just a little.

Wisely, I canceled my afternoon plans...procrastinated stuff I wanted to accomplish to finish up, and go home and do what I had to do-take the proverbial power nap. Geez, I didn't want to give in, but I was so right to do it. The nap literally saved my day...30 minutes of lights out, then, awakened by Bubba & the dogs coming back from their walk.

I'm thinking that something may be amiss with my stamina. Or, I'm thinking I'm feeling my age. Hopefully, my endurance will improve with more attention to diet & exercise & determination & self-discipline. I sure hope so, 'cuz there's a lot of things in the future, I want to do with my afternoons. But right now, there is only what I have to do. It's a life-long goal to be a better me, as well as to be better to myself-and I'm working on it all, even as I blog.