I dunno, maybe 17 years ago, give or take... In a galaxy far, far, away, in a past lifetime, I actually fell in love at first sight.
My heart leapt as we were being introduced. We shook hands, and from the chakras of the palm of my hand, I felt an immediate, radiating warmth that travelled straight to my heart. Eye contact was prolonged, and to me, it seemed that his eyes seemed to twinkle, and I felt as if my own eyes must be for sure sparkling, in return, though as I couldn't see my own eyes, I had to rely in what I felt my eyes were doing. I felt that my eyes were were flirting. I knew that moments like this rarely, if ever happened in most people's lives. I knew that being in my mid-30's, that I was at my hormonal sexual peak, and as I was still on the rebound from a horrific marriage (that had actually made me flirt with the concept of suididal tendancies), I realized that my jump-started heart was still heavy on the oh-poor pitiful me vibes, and that these emotions may be instrumental in my sudden onslaught of strong feelings, but was forced to give serious consideration that this meeting just may have produced love, at first sight.
The few relationships that I had experienced since my divorce had been 100% mind games, where the guys were either heavy into helping me get some balance back into my life, while making it clear that they were not in love with me, or taking advantage of my pain and confusion & confessing that as I wasn't quite young enough, pretty enough, deep enough, intelligent enough, healed enough, stong enough, rich enough... or whatever excuse came to mind avoid commitment. One dude allowed himself to be kind to me, & share some occasional meaningless sex, and potential quality time, but he let it be known early on, that he wasn't what I was looking for, and I wasn't what he was looking for, as he could never harbor strong feelings for me. I didn't even know what I was looking for then, dunno how he knew... That particular dude wanted friendship with sexual benefits, as he worked in Hollywood, it was me that needed to understand that for his sake, the folks in "the business" expected him to show up at those Hollywood parties with one sweet,ravishing, young thing on his arm after another. Nothing personal, but (he told me this) "You're really not young enough, or pretty enough." He had no problem putting the moves on my lil' sister, though, & told me that it should be OK by me, as I was not what Hollywood expected of him, and he had to keep up appearances. He seemed to figure my little sister would be apparently accepted, though. As, for me, I'd have to content myself with his friendship.
My sister was good enough to keep up those appearances, but me, not so much. She didn't feel any such way about him, so he decreed that we could have sex,& be friends, but I shouldn't attach any deep feelings to him, as it was just sex. He was pretty sure by her actions, my little sis wasn't going to put out for him, and thus, it'd be nice if I would do so ,for the pleasure of his company, as after all, he had Hollywood connections...Nah...this was not even a reasonable facsimilie of love... And at that time, so soon after divorce, I was in no hurry to hurry to find love any way. No hurry to hurry for meaningless sex either. I was looking for a little dignity...
But, not so with this love-at-first sight guy...he may have thought about them, but never found it necessary to point out my imperfections. It seemed to me, that he was attraced to me right away, as well. We laughed, and danced, and talked as if we had known one another for years on the first night we met. As we were leaving the event where we met, he insisted on giving me a ride to my car, as I had parked at a BART station 12 miles from the show. He didn't want me to travel BART at that late hour, when he could give me a ride to my car, thus ensuring no bad adventures at least as far as my car. He was such a gentle gentleman, so thoughtful, so kind. We laughed, sang and joked, and all too soon, we were parked beside my car, waiting for one of us to make the first move towards parting company. We got out of his car, joked some more, and began to part. I wanted to kiss him, but I couldn't know if he felt the same way, as he made no move to do so, thus, we shook hands again, with a repeat of warmth, both stating that it had been a pleasure meeting, then ,he saw me to my car door, made sure I was in, with the door was locked, and then, ensured that the car started, and stayed there standing to ensure that I drove off safely. There was no way (then, later, or even now) that I could have guessed what he was thinking, but he stood in the parking lot, and in my rear view mirror, I could see him standing alone watching me drive away. I wondered what he was thinking, but there was no way to tell. I knew what I was thinking, as I had been thinking all evening- that this could be the start of something rare and beautiful.
Previous post divorce relationships might court me until they scored, and then of course, they'd never call again. Or they may just talk & laugh & emptily promise to call...but they rarely, if ever, did. This was the way of the world to my eyes. Guys, for whatever reson, rarely ever called. Be it fear of rejection, shyness, forgetfulness, whatever, guys would say that they would call, and 9 out of 10 times, just never did.
I didn't neccesarily have to think it was great, once the few dating episodes after the divorce that had resulted in sex, the guys seemed to be sure enough it was great for the both of us, and thus, the empty promise to call, with rare, follow through. My situation was not unique.It happens to many women for whatever reason... men seem to assume that we ought to be grateful for the attention they do give us, and calling us is would-be gravy, as it just didn't come to them naturally. Most men seemed to be so sure that eventually I'd come to think of these head trips and sex games as gift enough.
But this guy, not so much. He was a gentleman. He never tried anything forward. As I was in my late 30's, and at the aforementioned hormonal peak of my own sexual prowess, my excitement might have scared him. I had been dumped by the few flings I had endured, or I had allowed myslf to fade to black, without objection, as I wasn't chasing them, or calling them, or begging for the questionable pleasure of their company,& they had no problem not pursuing me actively, as well, and I had no problem getting over them, cuz, let's just admit it...dating after marriage is generally awkward, full of mixed signals, and emotions. How many "I'll call you's'" never do? Many in my history, and as I mature, in retrospect, with the benefit of hindsight, even though I allowed it to crush me at the time, the fact that they broke their promises to call, turned out to be in the long run, to be a good thing...their absences ended up not adding to my confusion, or give me false hope, and, as they were all pretty wierd & self-aborbed, I'm now glad that they didn't call...It took a few years for the hurt to heal, but I'm happier for it- as it was a mixed blessing, and it was all for the best.
I needed time for me. To get to know me, to try to learn about & like, even love me, for a big change. I don't think one ever ceases the need to learn & relearn these essentials of self respect, and self esteem. I actually needed to be alone for a while. To read Steinbeck, Pearl S. Buck, more Stephen King. more Dr. Dwyer, and several trips down "The Road Less Travelled." I needed to redifine my boudaries, to seek out the land mines I still continually lay for myself & no matter how much it hurt, with eyes wide shut I had to learn that I had been there, over and over again, done that, even though I knew better while doing that; & and I needed to ensure that I was over it. I had to learn not to perpetuate this life of disrespecting myself. I needed that time alone. I thought I had done myself a world of good, deciding to & following through, on the truth that the owner of a lonely heart was indeed much better, than the owner of a broken heart-Yes!
But then, after being alone for so long, reading, jogging, swimming, working out, drinking too much, following The Dead, Carlos, & great music in general, in Indiana, as well as after my return to California...I met this love-at-first-sight guy. And to this day, I do not believe that I had allowed myself to feel such wonderous vibes at first glance, at first meeting, at first dance, at first kiss...a kiss that I initiated, as I was so I overwhelmed by my endorphins, my adreniline, my imagination, my hopes and dreams, my hormonal peaks...to this day...I remember trying to sleep after I kissed him at my doorstep a good night kiss a few nights later, that brought more excitement and anticipation than I had ever known before, or since. I couldn't get enough of kissing this man. I'm sure that I scared him a little, maybe a lot. Then, it seemed that I got him a little intrested in returning my enthusiastic lip locks, and he began to pleasantly, and then soon, with more energy return the passion I was feeding him. He was the best kisser I had ever kissed in my whole life, it was like all kisses prior to his were clumsy, selfish, ineffectual. He knew what he was doing, and how to do it, & he did it well... & it just kept getting better, when all of a sudden, he began to withdraw from my embrace. He was still kissing me while trying to get some self control into the both of us. He took me by my shoulders, looked deep into my eyes and told me that we were in no hurry, and that he respected me, and he liked me, and he'd call me & we'd get together again really soon, but he needed to cool it right now, and though I knew that he was the much-needed voice of reason, I was sad,and disappointed...I had so wanted to seduce him. But didn't. We made out a little more, like we were teenagers afraid of what was happening, and I can not stress enough that his kisses were expert, like no one beore. He knew exactly what he was doing, and what I was feeling, but for my good, he insisted we cool it and call it a night. That night, alone in my bed, I couln't sleep, I coudn't stop touching my lips with my fingers, amazed at how he had left my lips buzzing, tingling, radiating, hours after he had left.
The next day, he called.
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