1) I have trouble expressing anger. Maybe I need anger management training only a lil' different from the norm.I need to learn how to let go of anger instead of internalizing or showing it. I really dunno.
2) I am feeling really irratable after that flu virus, & feeling very guilty about the difficulty I have controlling my irratability.
3) I allow people to take advantage of me...I leave the door open for them to do so. and then, get pissed when they do. Then, I feel guilty about being pissed.
4) I'm pissed off at myself today & hope against hope that it is the after effects of the flu, 'cuz no way do I want to feel this pissy naturally.
5) Bubba is the best medicine for whatever ails me.
xtra bonus point*I will get over it. All of it. Eventually.

It feels good to be me again...I have almost recovered from the aforementioned virus. ...just a lil' weak & shakey.

My first good day in a week was just plain ol' enjoyable. A beautiful day in Indiana, enhanced by the adrenaline of feeling stronger & better, day by day.

Taxes in the mail & over it for another year.

I am re-reading "The Davinnci Code" now, that I am feeling better. Health gives me a whole new out look on the book, as it does on living. So many of the book's concepts just make common sense, and suddenly, I look at everything a little different. The main points seem to add up, and I wonder why I never wondered before, if Jesus had a girlfriend. I suppose that I wasn't supposed to wonder. Just to accept what I had been told without question. Hmmm...I am light-bulb thinking to the point of pain, sometimes. And I may never be the same again...these concepts will mellow & ripen with age and I feel better about a lot of stuff than I did before. "Nuf said.

Bubba is concerned over the sluggishness he feels with his new meds-he sees his regular ol' doc on Monday, and they will discuss options (if it is a good day & he feels conversational). The grumpy old man wants his triglycerites back. The more that I re-learn, the more things make sense. His triglycerites being sky-high explains his energy & the fact that he could build a house with an attached & detached garage from scratch. He cracks me up complaining about the pills being too big, draining his over abundant energy & making him more like the rest of the folks I know. He really hates it.

"How does it feel to feel like the rest of us feel?" I asked.

"Like I want to get a gun & put it to my head & get it over with," he says,"I dunno how people can live this way"

This way is the way most of us feel, lazy and uninspired, taking naps in the afternoon. It is giving him a new outlook on life & he is cutting some slack & kicking it back-but fighting it all the way. All of his questioning & whinning about the meds started to sound a lil' too familiar.

"You sound like your Mom," I pointed out, "Fussing and stressing over taking a few pills. Just shut up, and swallow them, and get it over with," I snapped, suddenly realizing that I had never ever told him to shut up before. I felt really guilty right away, but he did not appear to notice, and he did stop complaining. I know he will resume the whinning on down the road. Ch-ch-changes...he never liked 'em, now, he has to learn to roll with them. 'Tis a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way, for all of us. He will adjust in time. He has to. He just has to.

And that's about it for the day. It was a good day, overall. I really can not ask for more, as I've recently been so humbled.

Me vida es buena.

Tylenol is at it's peak. This is as god as it gets, and it ain't gettin any better. The boys @ work tell me that this is a 2-3wk virus...so, I'm half way through it. The glass is 1/2 full. Never mind the gory details, I still got that bad-boy virus. All the kids @ work say to go get antibiotics-well, duh! Antibiotics don't work on the flu! I dunno how or why they got antibiotics to deal with their malaise(is that right?). But, what little I know of medicine, it seems like their viruses must've mutated to an infection in order to get antibiotics. Or something. The flu is the flu. You wait it out. You do what you have to do & suffer beautifully out-of-habit whenever possible.That's it. No complaining...deal with it. Get a grip. Rest. Drink lots...maybe have some soup-something.Aanything I eat makes me sorry I tried, right away.

Bubba's triglicerites are "Out of sight", and his cholesterol is 260. This, basically, is really bad. I gotta tell you...he just does not seem to care. Maybe it's my fever, but he is really enjoying watching me freak & try to stress the importance of getting it together & he does have points that are hard to ignore. He is very upset that the doc wants to give him another pill-2(woo!). He is kind of pouting about it, so he went to mow the lawn-his meditation mechinism. His mantra. I gotta tell y'all, he is a fine speciman of a man...really in shape, exercises almost daily..the man's idea of a good time is his double push mower tending the green. No liquor, nothing to smoke (ever!), AND HE LOOKS SO FINE! Looks can be decieving-it is what it is. He's got to take this seriously, and he must be just having trouble adjusting. Lovable grumpy old man...working out his frustrations in the back yard. I mean, look, I've been sick over a week, now, & he is too healthy to catch it, so I sort of get where he is coming from. No red meat, the only fried food is the weekly fish sandwich with his Mum after their Friday Wally World excursion @ Mcdonald's-and he put the french fries on hold. We just don't use the stove...don't have to clean it often that way. Everything is Peanut butter, or out of the microwave. I used to cook, but he wants everything "plain", black pepper only. We have no salt in the house. And still, is labwork is "out of sight"(not in a good way). So, like, I guess, every day is an adventure & he will have to learn to deal with it, and I will have to learn to deal with how he deals with it. He was at least talking about picking up the RX-maybe his grumpiness is just sulking...ooooooo, maybe Bubba is suffering beautifully--what a concept!

Life..what a long strange trip it contiues to be.

Memoirs...memoirs...hey, Lucy- I got yer "Subway Music"enrou in the mail... I think I will need more time than originally was planned. You go ahead...I'll catch up. As much as I love to read I've never been in a book club, and I'll do anything to stay in touch with Lucy-point taken...

Work was really bad today, but I don't want to whine. Unless it is out of habit. You really cannot talk to very many people in the Bible Belt about "The Davinnci Code", as they find it offensive, and deal with you in a very HOSTILE manner...I just wanted to talk about the concepts-but hey, if I am offending folk, I can shut da heck up. These reactions were not handled well with this virus-it was a rough one. I rally got to learn to not talk so mucj.

Then, again, I gotta learn to speak up for myself. I whine about being poor? I had a guy come to me today CRYING about putting his Altzheimer's-ridden Grandpa in a nursing facility(my weak spot) & his relatives soaking him for bucks & no one paying him back. I loaned him a ten-spot to stop him from
crying to me, in between Tylenols. I even got the "I was an abused child, I don't know my parents, I was taken away from them. " angle. What can I do? Loan him a ten-spot til Friday. I guess... I'll see him Monday-you don't need to remind me that this Friday is Good Friday, & he ain't going to be at work-but I am. I may be poor, but I cannot recall ever borrowing money-except for some bucks for a used car from my Mom 20 some years ago, after the divorce, & needing transport for my job...I paid her back, and I don't think there is another instance. Do people really scorn you once they use you for your good nature? Is that lil girl bad-mouthin' me after she stole my pain medication?

Now, I don't borrow, but I do get by with a little help from my friends. Bubba is very kind(understatement). I want for nothing.('cept high-speed internet-and I am too far out in the boondocks to get it). My point is why do these moochers always hit on me-and when I'm sick? I just couldn't take the tears. And I really could not take working with the dude while he was going thru nicotine withdrawal all this week. He wanted more-for a carton, but I quit listening, by then,-take the ten-spot, get some packs, & puleeze, hit the road, Jack! I'm such a sucker-but it was right in the midst of a fever spike, and the dude was out of ciagarettes & CRYING...I'm such a sucker. Nobody needs to bad mouth me, I do enough on my own, thank you very much! Lookin' for that heart of gold? She in Indiana playing Poor-Man's Patsy!

Enough. I am still whinning. I try to stop, but my enviroment supercedes me.

And nightmares---out of the darkest corners of my mind, come 1:30 AM nightmares- straight out of that wierd Stephen King's "Kingdom Hospital" TV miniseries-just that strange. All of the dreams with my folks going nutz & me trying to fix things in vain. Don't ya hate it when you have a bad dream & wake up, and when you finally slip back into sleep, you find yourself right back in the same dream? It is getting so old. & So am I!

If all I can do is bitch & moan, then, I gotta cowboy up & shut up & go do something constuctive. Or watch TV. I gotta just shut up & get the proverbial grip. Which is already tighter than when I started this post...so that's a start.Venting is good.

But I won't waste your time anymore if all I can do is talk about medical probelems, moochers, and books. I say it too often, but I am sorry to be such a pain. Will post more as I recover...when there is no whinning...cool concept

I can no longer take the wait...it took me 40 minutes to get to the 2nd page on Lucy's book...so OK, I will order the book when it does not take me the rest of the day to purchase it...so, Lucy, please remind me if I space...Tuesdays & Kick Back Thursdays work best for me I will join the bookclub, but if this boondock slow dialup persists...(insert scary threat here,) I've used my sister's computer & the diff is so unreal...and just to advertise my ignorance...ME- I thought dialup was DSL...I need lots of money & lots of brains & they are just nowhere to be found.

EVRYBODY- you know I want to communicate, but now that I've tasted the computer & blogstream world I an sadly addicted. BUT NO CAN TAKE THE WAIT. I bet ol' Bill had this planned all the time. Dangle something the poor man can afford in front of him at last, and then make it impossible to handle the lack-o-speed, in effect getting them hooked, then, make it so you gotta pay big buck$ to keep up. Dude, when I say I am poor, believe me, I am poor. I just get lucky breaks & Bubba to keep my head above water. It's all my fault...classic underachiver. It's all somebody else's fault...(Insert flimy excuse blaming anyone other than me, here.) It just is what it is.

Again.

gonna give up & do some more adult responsibility crappoloa or sleep or re-read, or something other than wait 3 minutes to turn a page. I suppose it might be my fever, but I can't handle this. I just ran a virus check last week...what is wrong with this picture. I'm going to go off line and...suffer beautifully.

Again.

Jeez,I wanna hang out on the Stream, but it's stressing me & I gotta work tomorrow. With the flu.

Again.

I cannot wait until I am the happiest person that I know again.

Again.

Man! My boondock dialup has never been so slow. It tries one's patientce, and when my fever spikes, there is not alot of patience left around to mess with. I'd like to spend the day on the Stream, but can't take the wait.

So, yeah...still symptomatic with the flu symptoms, but life goes on. Still have adult responsibilities to deal with, albeit, not very professionally. Guilt tripped by de boss into working Friday, and I gotta tell ya, as predicted, I faded away. But survived, to babble yet another day. Let us not go there, shall we?

I finished "The Davinci Code" last night. Knowing Tom Hanks has the movie lead, I easily put the main charecter's statements in what I recall aa Tom Hank's voice. Langdon's charecter appears to have been written for Tom Hanks in my mind's ear. In my mind's eye, I could see many of the scenes with Tom playing the part...leaning over Sophie awkwardly to use the intercom @ Lord Teabing's estate, conducting classes on flashbacks to his American students..all so Tom Hanks perfect, I cannot help wonder if the book was written with him in mind.(here we go) Because, I have heard that "Harold & Maude" was written with Ruth Gordon in mind...both, a perfect fit, to my mind. I look forward to the movie, but probably, more, the DVD, as there is far too much dialogue & deep thought to this, than sweet Bubba could handle. When we go to he movies(& subsequently are gouged out of at least $25 bucks at the matinee discount")he will hold an imaginary remote & try to fast forward through dialogue and anything else that bores him, whispering,"A little slow, isn't it?" Those movies he usually forsees & we forgo, & I wait on the DVD, 'cause as we all well know, I love words...

In this vein, Bubba picked me up a copy of "The Chronicles of Narnia"" Friday on his bi-weekly trip to Wally World with his Mom.( Every Friday afternoon, every Sunday morning without fail. If she cancels out, he gets a list and goes in her stead.) I found the movie charming, but other than the young boys eventually dressed like Richard the Lionhearted's Knights of the Lost Crusades, any allegory to Christianity eludes me. Having just finished "Davinci", I could see, of course, reference to pagens, but as they were the "good guys" it kind of eludes me. Unless, of course, it was C.S. Lewis's sense of humor...unless Lewis thought like Daninci.t "Howards End" with Sir Anthony Hopkins plays C.S. Lewis... it showes how he used to meet with Tolkein, and others for drinks at a local pub. He seemed far too serious in the movie, deeply troubled, perturbed. I saw little reference to humor, as the movie had him falling in love with a young American cancer patient. It was beautiful, but not humorous. So, why do so many churches endorse this movie? Maybe it's the flu, but I miss the point. What? The age old battle between good & evil? That's a bit of a stretch. Anyone care to point out the obvious to me? 'Cause I just don't see it. Funny, I get "The Davinci Code", but miss the children's tale.

I just couln't fit in at my church. They were quite upset that I dug "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer." Harmless fluff-and vampires! They forbid their children Harry Potter anything, and why? Because Satan was in a little boy wizard. Try as I may, they would not give their censorship a break. Excuse me for thinking! Dude, I am so over organized religion. Drove me nuts trying to blend...and other than fullfillling the prophecy that a Christian had to be a servant, I did not get it either. Every weekend, hayrides, campouts, cookouts, basement sales, bake sales, garage sales...always something. As if activities of daily living wasn't trial enough.

I gotta go do that adult responsiblity gig that always bums me out & takes me away from the Stream...with de flu, too. I may be back (I cetainly hope so, and soon), but may lapse into sickness again & who knows what the future holds? Indeed, check out the concept of the book of Judas...and, now, he's a hero? I can role with that easier than the Church can, I'll bet, Unless they can make money out of it.

Dubya authorizing that press leak...all this duplicity. If I didn't have the flu, I might find it funny or charming or anything other than the old money talks and bullshit walks way of life we live. I'm short tempered with the plans within plans here lately...why can't we all just play nice & uncomplicated for a change?