I might just be a lil more stressed than I have allowed myself to believe here, lately. I, like, well, I broke out into hives last night.I thought I was in control of my emotions, rolling with the proverbial punches...but in pulling off a good-quality inventory, I allowed my cup to runneth over.I put the back-breaking straw on the camel's back .I allowed myself to be consumed by the pursuit of unobtainable perfection. And this just is not indicative of how I thought that I had learned to live my life. Just when ya think ya gotta grip-you find out you weren't even in the neighborhood.
So, I hit up Wally World for 3 tubes of Hydrocortisone(close encounters with Wally World are big deals, these daze, in the early autumn of my life) & various sundry items I thought that I could not live without, & spent a lil more than a whole Bill=more stress),& have already almost finished the first tube soothing over the welts. These stresses are things that I know that I have more control over, yet I allow them to build up, and hit me upside of my head, over,& over,& over again. Man, but I have so much to learn...and not that much time left to commit what I've learned to what is left of my memory. Ya' know what I mean?
I suppose I am forever in search of a balance...& the possibility that balance in one's life is in itself, just a myth, weighs heavily on my head. To quote Rose Anne Adanna Danna,"It's always something!"
So, my folks are in rapid mental decline. I suppose that I can roll with this fact, but I cannot yet, make peace with watching them so lost, defiant, lethargic, so completely in world of their own, one of many, that even they cannot recognize. I cannot dwell on this line of thinking for any great length of a time. Like where something unseen causes ripples to ring out, ever expanding changes in all our realities, it threatens to consume me.
I cannot allow myself to over act to Bubba's recent health problems. He has always had high blood pressure. Why am I so preoccupied with him finally admitting his problem, and seeking medical attention? He wore the leads & wires for 24 hours, had no missed beats, great vital signs, no problemos in spite of the natural challenges he rountinely entertains himself with.@ 5:30pm, today, after waking up from a long nap in our grossly uncomfortable recliner (like Red Foreman's in "That 70's Show),and immediatelly started skipping heart beats upon that awakening. We are not in the medical profession, but I've monitored his pulse and on some occasions I have noted skipped beats in the rythm, as has Bubba, on many occasions. We have no doubt of it. The Cardilogist does doubt it,"Your heartbeat probably just got weaker for a few beats," says she.
"Well it sure wears me out, makes me dizzy, and forces me to sit down, and that seems like it's skipping beats, as far as I'm concerned," countered Bubba, right there & then deciding that he & the doc become competitors, as opposed to the team that I was hoping for. All of this is out of my control. But I start scratching my forearms, the tops and the palms of my hands, my feet, my ankles, beneath my ear, all through my scalp...all over, here & there. I am trying to cure what ails Bubba by breaking out into red, itchy, splotches...oh yeah, I can tell right away that I'm going to be a big help to all of us. Like an anvil for a life-peserver, "I'm helping!"
Or maybe I will be of help later. Just not right now, I don't think, I can help anyone but myself, and it is taking quite the extra effort.
And the migraines. And the stolen medication, and the betrayal of someone whom I at least always figured would never do anything to hurt me... wrong, again. Needing more medical care stuff for myself, but not able to afford any more medical screenings, or attention, because I have no medical insurance, and I probably never will have it again the rest of my life, and it all costs more than I make now...
The price of ga$. The cost of living. Stupid decisions. Mistakes. Pain that I own. Thinking the pursuit of more pain might not being worth the end results, as the results do not even ever begin to justify the means. And the results are never what I expected them to be. And really, after all this learning, you'd think I'd know beter than to even try... The ever-present inclination to pay it forward, but trying to, hopefully wisely, not be a sucker' for a change. Needing to be stronger. Afraid to start to cry, almost unable to cry, out of sheer defense mechinisms...once I start crying, how will I ever stop? Defining, limiting the importance of my friends to me, and why do I seem to always fall short of the quality relationships I seek? & why am I always expecting others to be as pure as I want to be? Why am I always so diappointed in myself? Whatever made me think that I ever knew anything, let alone knew better? I have got to lighten up!
Because, it's showing on me, now. Hives, set jaw, tense shoulders, light shallow rapid breathing, a pained and strained facial expression that causes my friends & family to often ask me "What is wrong?" & "Do you have another headache?" & "Are you stopping to smell the roses?"& "Do you have a grip?" & "Lighten up, haven't you learned ANYTHING?" Words like that, or close to it...
So, tonite, I am seriously pursuing not seriously pursuing much of anything. I owe folks correspondence, but I am on purpose procrastinating, and hoping that they understand. There are lots of things I need to do, but not tonight..and tomorrow is Kick-Back Thursday, and with a little luck, I will keep it where it belongs, in a happy space. And get off early. Then, take those country roads home mid-afternoon, possibly even not encountering any other vehicles all the way to the highway... I will wind up this post, and have yet another piece of dark chocolate, and surf & have no worries, mon, no worries. For tonight & maybe even tomorrow.
