I could while away the hours, conferring with the flowers, consulting with the rain, with the thoughts I'd be thinking, I could be another Lincoln, if I only had a brain.

Once upon a time, I thought that this story way so heavy and dramatic. Now, I chuckle. HP was always a cocky, self-assured, and full of himself kind of guy. He was a Paramedic, a Respiratory Therapist, a great cook, a Harley-Davidson(a gift from me) motorcyclist, a leader, an adventurer, a flirt. Living in the Bay Area, we thought we were a part of the "in" crowd, and closely followed the celebrated San Francisco Chronicle's columnist, Herb Caen. Herb loved "The City", and often laid out the protocol for being cool when in "The City. Herb hated Velveeta Cheese, and once a week or so, would knock folks that indulged in that soft and salty imitation cheese. So, when we we were invited to another Paramedic's home for a pot luck Christmas party, HP decided to make his infamous deep-fried egg rolls. Made with sausage, venison, onions, peppers, spices, and, of course, Velveeta Cheese. Everybody loved the dish, and all of them were quickly consumed by the party folk. Everyone asked for his recipe, and he told them the basics, but left out the Velveeta, saying that it was a "secret ingredient", as he felt folks would view Velveeta with disdain, and he really wanted to be the only one that could pull this dish off. The party went swimmingly, at first. Then, somebody got the idea of drinking "Flaming Eddies". You lit a shot of your favorite hard liqour on fire in a shot glass, and tossed it back while it was still on fire. If you look really close, you can still see the little burn at the tip of my nose...One of the Paramedics got carried away,, and suddenly jumped to his feet and ran out into the cold night. We had no clue that he had crossed the line, as we let him go. He ended up running down the street and breaking into an occupied home. He scared the wife and kids into barricading themselves in the bathroom, blackened the eye of the Master of the House, kicked down some doors, destroyed some furniture, and subsequently resisted the ensuing arrest. When the guy had to go to court to answer for his wild night, he did not mention the "Flamming Eddies." He blamed HP's egg rolls. He claimed the deep-fried egg rolls were "dosed" with LSD, that the acid had caused him to lose control and go nuts. HP had to hire a lawyer, submit his recipie in it's entirity, and appear twice before a judge. His lawyer had to submit proof that LSD would not survive deep fat frying, despite the fact that the secret ingedient was only Velveeta, not any sort of hallucinagenic at all. We were so sressed and innocent over that ordeal at the time. It was so all-consuming back then...and now it's just kind of an OK story to tell.

20 Things I am grateful for, @ Lucy's kind demand.1. Bubba-he's blonde, has a great sense of humor, his patience with me, his kind nature...and those blogs I wrote about him like a giddy teenager-all that stuff.2 My love for animals and having three wonderful dogs to come home to, and be there to comfort me. 3.My family-sisters, brothers, aunt & uncle, nephews & neice,, all of them always welcoming me home after 17 yrs off & on chasing the California dream. 4.old friends and new friends 5.that I enjoy my job. It doen't pay @ all, but I enjoy it...I don't HATE going to work. 5. Music, all kinds, anytime.6. Adventures, past, present, and future 6. Knowing that I am a survivor, and that I get by with a little help from my friends. 7. Random acts of Kindess, giving and getting. 8.Being aa woman, being able to know great sorrow and great joy-and being able to "get" Oprah(I have never known a guy that "gets" Oprah. 9. My Faith...I gotta keep on keeping on. 10.The house that Bubba built-right here, right now, I have a cozy home 11. My ability to strike up conversations with strangers, and enjoy each other's company-socializing comes easily to me most of the time. 12. Books.Past, present & future...13. My overall good health. 14.My ability to enjoy the passage of time-most of the time.15.Being easily amused...16.Living in this Century 17.Being an American-it's a lot more fun than most folks realize. 18. My ability to laugh, hope, & cope 19.Seep and healing 20. That HP is my ex and he didn't kill me. Many believe he as headed in that direction.21.Somebody cares enough about me enough to demand that I list 20 things that I am grateful for. there is so much more, but all of us get the point. Thanks, Luce.

I have to admit that I am confused. I'm not sure that I want to blog on the subject, but as it deals with heavy things weighing heavily upon my mind, I thought that I might risk it. You see, I thought I was depressed. Now, I'm thinking, not so much, ya know? My supervisor is really young in years, but evidently, not so young in life experience. I had not thought that we were close,as I get a rather constant turn over of bosses and supervisors, I had not given it all that much thought. This morning, she calls me on my cell, to ask if I needed anything. Nice gesture, but"No, Hon...I 've got things covered." 20 minutes later she surprises me, by appearing anyway. Smiling, I asked "What's up? How's it going?" She answers, "You haven't heard? I thought you'd have heard. My boyfriend killed himself last week." She is soft spoken, and I thought maybe I had heard her wrong, and asked her pardon. She spoke up,"My boyfriend killed himself last Thursday, and I have to go to his viewing tonight. It's a 2 hr drive, and so many people there hate me...I really don't want to go, but I just have to." Stunned, I had her sit, so that we could talk with some semblance of privacy. She had been seeing him a little under a year...it seems he had made some poor decisions, and wound up doing some hard time. I don't know the particulars, and don't need to know. But whatever they entailed, he was going back to prison as there was a warrant out for him, and he had sworn he would never return. When a policeman tried to pull him over in Loiusville, the boyfriend took off in her car, and became the subject a high speed pursuit. He then drove to a house he used to own with an ex-girlfriend, was stopped and surrounded by the police, and he then, jumped out of her car, brandishing a gun. She tells me he had been trying to commit suicide by cop, but as cops would not shoot him, he then shot himself. I don't know why she was there talking to me about this. I barely know her, and had never met him. I'm sure she just felt the need to talk to someone, anyone. But there are no words I know of to help someone deal with a situation like this. She told me she was not religious, and did not plan to seek counseling. I told her she needed to read "On Death and Dying" so she could recognize the different phases she would be going through to in order to keep on keeping on...but, beyond this, I was speechless. Maybe I am a good listener, but this needed more substance than I knew how to give. I told her she could come talk anytime. She cried, and then sat there for nearly 1/2 an hour, before returning to the branch office. I had made some small talk, about Christmas, my ex, my family, but had no words of real comfort. It all brought back images of an old boyfriend, Ron, who called me last February to say "goodbye" as he planned to kill himself. We had not been a couple since 1987, a while after I left my ex. We had met in a bar in my hometown, where he noticed my lack of a Southern accent. I told him I was from California, and he rejoined that he was, as well, in town visiting relatives. We struck up a conversation, then, a relationship. We managed to stay friends after he dumped me for my little sister, Kathy.( Nearly all of my boyfriends have always had a crush on my her, I was used to it, even expected it). He's a good guy, but nontheless he is a guy...guys always go for Kathy. But he was kind, and mailed me many self-help books from L.A. to help my ever-plummeting self-esteem. Many a gray winter day, like today, I would brave the weather out to the mailbox by the road, to find books & cards that he had mailed as he cared about me as a person(Kathy didn't really want anything to do with him, but I guess he felt he had to try. All guys usually aways had to try). He was in production in Hollywood, and though he never told me, after a few years of long-distance friendship, I realized he had long since fallen prey to Hollywood's bad habits. I know now that he was an addict, and he hid it from me for more than 5 years, before it tumbled out when we met with Sean to see The Rolling Stones after my return to California. Even then, I did not realize the true depth of his problem. His addiction coupled with the aging process, apparently inflicted some significant brain damage. He had trouble making eye-contact, and then,his condition jumped quickly ahead to trouble walking, and then, fainting, followed by becoming disorientated for days at a time. He trusted nobody, and had lost all of his Hollywood friends. He couldn't get work-he said everyone knew about his addiction and was plotting against him. I'm not sure why he chose me to confide in-perhaps the distance between us when I came back to Indiana made him feel that I was a safe friend. But again, I had no real words for his situation. As he spiraled downhill, my relationship with Bubba took off. Bubba & I have been together over a decade, with Ron calling every now and again with some form of sad tidings. He chose the path to his own downfall(don't we all?), and there was nothing I could do to alter his fate. Last February, he called, crying, saying that this was his last good bye. And then he hung up, ensuring that I could not find any words to deter him. I don't know if he went through with it, for sure, or not. But at a minimum he is out there on the streets of L.A., damaged and alone. I cannot contact his realatives-3 forwarding numbers with a final recording stating that there is no new number. Letters to his old address always come back to me, "Return to Sender," and there is no way for me to know what happened to him. But before thes sobering thoughts I thought I was depressed. Knowing that these two guys, a stranger and a friend, suffered so much more than I, only adds to my confusion. Do I have a real right to my sorrow. My parents aging are the natural course of events. Yeah, maybe I've got it bad, but it is not as bad as so many others. So, I went out and blew $10 on a fiber optic Christmas tree this afternoon on the way home from work. I had told Bubba that we were cancelling Christmas, as our parents are in such decline, suffering crazily with dementia of one extreme or the other. Today I had to do something, anything positive. I had to cut away some of this day-after-day gray. So, I am counting my blessings tonight in a warm house with 3 dogs and Bubba who has never remotely considered anything like suicide. And I am grateful for all of the choices and changes in my own life that have made it so good, in spite of the harsh realities that surround me. I really do have so much to be thankful for, ya' know?

...and it is exactly how I went through the day. As predicted, I survived, and the visits went about as well as can be expected. And I got home early for turkey, and it's warm and cozy and the only place that I want to be. I am going to bed early to warm my feet, watch the tube, and hopefully doze off early giving me odds on a good tomorrow. I will surf around a bit, maybe eat a little chocolate and not think about anything very deeply for the rest of the night. Just roll with it, as I really always do try to do...some days are just better than others, as life is for most of us, most of the time. I'm very tired,and with my cold toes, curling up under the comforter is my immediate and only goal. My sister, Jan, hand-made a copy of The Serenity Prayer and posted it beneath the television in my Dad's room. I'm pretty sure that she put it there for me, as Dad has lost most of eyesight, and Rene can barely keep her eyes open due to her Parkinson's and Oxycontin. I know my sister...she posted The Serenity Prayer for Dad's visitors. She is our angel. Peace, Love, Good Will,and Good Days...Hoping for more energy and a clever blog in the near future. I really do love it here.