my headspace is calmer. my emotions controlled a lil more. Maybe I can write about my wedding later. that pain is long gone. I can even laugh about most of it.I'd rather write a happy story...I'd rather think good thoughts and make my friends chuckle, than make them feel sorry for me. Yes, Pop, I will allow the healing light in. thanks for the advice & comfort. a good night's sleep will help the healing process, and spoiling me some puppy dogs and feeliing the love and joking with Bubba. my life is good.

Somebody who cares, tell me to "get a grip." Go ahead, tell me to be brave. and that theses are the times that try people's souls. Tell me I will survive this. I will get over it. This too shall pass. Roll w/it-somebody tell me something to help me get back my self control. Sat's migraine has humongous and overpowering, Sunday was off to a fair start but the "rounds" were the worst I'd been through in a very long time. My mom kept forgetting that I was sitting next to and when she looked and saw me was startled every time"How long have you been here?","Where did you come from?""Cher-where are we? where are we going?"(we were sitting in my car in the nursing home parking lot so that she could smoke-her single, solitary goal is to chain smoke as long as we let her get away with it. I never wanted them to allow her to, but other family members argued that it is the only thing that will make her happy, so why not? Her new cough is why not. She cannot get into or out of a car (@ least on Sunday) and she was continuously surprised that Rex was there being a good dog in the back seat sticking his nose out the window gasping for air ( I don't smoke ciagarettes-never really did except for 5 of 'em I'll tell you about in a happier story.) And my dad & his wife...it was all so many tears, misunderstandings, accusations, blank-outs, repeating, forgetting, fretting, demanding, pleading...It was so bad...there was no comic relief in spite of Rex. I dunno...It ain't gonna get any easier...BUT What'S THIS?...Billyjones just called me...like John, the soft haired boy, these guys just seem to know things...he says"Can I call you without blogging?" here came those tears in my eyes..."oh yes, of course", and he made me laugh...he says he found the 20 lbs I lost & was keeping them safe for me should I decide that I want them back...Billyjones just KNOWS things. NO BS. I've seen it, and he's lived it & acted uopn often in the past, doing just what he felt he was felt God wanted him to do, or he wouldn't have given him this gift in the 1st place... I have known John to do it, as well. Me, I don't seem to ever have a clue...and today @ worked I turned my sorrow into anger, which is something I hardly ever do because even righteous anger makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though I know it's not always the case. Then I finally get home today, can't wait to blog and still-whassup with all these negative vibes?(GOD BLESS Billy as he is smoothing the way even as I blog.) And I apologize to all of my old & new friends, but it's ok to visit blogstream once in a while to vent, don't ya think? I'm not the buzz-kill type...I mean a coupla weeks ago I was the happiest person I knew...where did she run off to so all of a sudden, so far away? I've been to Bermuda in my mind, doing the deep breathing thing, tryingg to be master of my own domain only to find out that tonight I am having a really hard time, and there is no cure(though brother-induced laughter helps alleviate some of the pain.)ok,ok,ok,ok,ok,, now I gotta get a grip. But I want a drink(you know I quit over a yr ago), but oh, for 21/2 glasses of Chardonnay! or a couple of Coronas with lime? or Johnny Walker Black on the rocks...I won't drink, i can't drink, but I want to ,and if I analyze it, it only be me being self-destrutive(AGAIN) as the only thing alcohol would so to be would be to put me in even more pain...I'm gonna go amble about the house and do something else & try to mellow out & be a better me...but it's been tough. and it looks to be getting only tougher. But I'm thinking now, maybe...I'll get by with a little help from my friends, Thx for letting me vent...poor Billy had to listen to it. YOU CAN ALWAYS SKIP TO a happier blog. Mine will be again. jUST NOT SOON ENOUGH.

& set out on my Sunday Rounds. Deb just called to ensure I included her on my rounds, and I don't ever want to miss her. Then I got to see the folks @ their separate nursing homes, everybody 1/2 hour away from the next, then 1/2 hr home after end the day eating dinner with Jan & Rick...Rex is all over me wanting to go with now, so I best get it together I still have migraine remnants kicking occasional bolts of pain thru that dang-blasted right side of my head & eye. Will pop some Excedrine Migraine before hitting the road. It's still very windy here. Flucuations in barometric pressure often trigger migraines...wind,rain, dark cloudy hang- over clouds. Stress, too...so I better leave early so as not to get stressed(fat chance)-picture what I am about to encounter with the folks in their decline, trying to put on a happy face, when all I wanna do is cry. But today again, I must play the cards that I have been dealt, as all of us must. Again, I stress the importance of letting your light shine as we all could use a lil help from our friends to help light the way. hope to drop y'all another line later on, grim realities permitting.

Oh man, that feels better. Ice, a quiet 2 hr. nap, waking up to Bubba's safe return home from working extra to help pay the outrageous vet bills to get Peggy Sue & Ramble-On Rose through the winter... Still gots me nerves a bit in tatters, so I went for "The Big Chill" as Iceman & I have been throwing the movie's name about. You Can't Always Get What You Want", the funeral procession...ok, I see healing in my near future even as I blog. Love this movie. I can see my old "Logger" gang in the characters...I can see the love between the old friends mirrored in myself. I'm the Mary Kay Place lady only substantially less professional & successful...but, just as loved by my friends...Billyjones hosts the reunion again, and John, I think, is the Tom Berringer guy. I usually make Billyjones watch this movie when we get together, and Billyjones always lets me get away with it...oh! Ice! here in this scene in the living room...AWSOP...skip a line fandango? I'm so glad that youngster returned this DVD...esp., as the movie did nothing for her. Uh oh...maybe John Hurt is me...and Mary Kay Place is making a pass at me...It's all so close. We've lost touch with Pete, the wise old father figure of our group. That extra special BSer, Pete. He gave me away at my wedding in SF's Golden Gate Park He was often our designated driver...when ever Billyjones wasn't in the driver's seat. When Billyjones retired, Pete came up from St Petersburg to help celebrate with us. Billy had a huge tent in his backyard, and threw butcher-paper atop long tables and piled huge shrimp all along the tables with bowls of cocktail sauce here & there for dipping . Great icebreaker for about 200 well-wishers, with exotic multiple bottles of varied liquors. Pete and I sat in the tent during the afternoon S. Carolina almost daily rain showers. We were drinking, talking,laughing...and then he was telling me how his wife had suffered from Lupus, and died in his arms, and how he tried CPR until he collapsed with exhaustion, We sat crying together in the rain, two old friends separated for too long, so close, but still so far away, for there was nothing I could say to ease his tears. We corresponded for awhile after the party ,but he was so sad, and he just fell out of touch and we don't know how to find him, and we kinda think he dosen't want to be found. I think of him and worry for him when the hurricanes come close to where I last knew he was....and I'll probably will never know what happened to loveable, sweet Pete. I'm pretty sure that's the way he wants it to be. Insurrmountable Depression makes one make sad choices. I miss Pete. I know John and Billy miss him,too. I hope he's o.k. I hope he beat the depresson...somehow. Gonna have to put the "Big Chill" on pause, and see if Bubba I can agree on a movie together (he, too, just does not get "The Big Chill" at all, either). Bubba is a wonderful guy, but his Momma don't dance, and his Daddy don't rock and roll, and as a result, he just dosen't have a clue. Opposites attract. And he is a little jealous of this blogging addiction, ok, a lot jealous of this blogging thing. He just dosen't see the attraction. If we can't agree on or stick with another movie, I will steal away back to blogland ASAP. 'Cause I got me da blogging jones(billy), and I just can't kick it...ain't looking to kick it. But lookin' for some quality time with the old man as he is here and now, and he is so kind to me when I hurt..."When A Man Loves A Woman..."

in Indiana, standing on her back porch right now trying to enjoy the scenery. The day is sunfilled, and brisk, and the winds are strong. The poor woman shields her eyes from the sun's glare on the cornstalks, but to no avail. Behind her right eye, a pounding, searing migraine shoots a straight line of pain from the eye to the top of her head, down the back of her head and into her cervical spine. And she is sad. This should have been a glorious day by all appearances, but appearances can be deceiving. Her right eye throbs, and she returns through the back door and into her kitchen. She picks up an ice pack from the freezer door, and heads on down the darkend hallway. Ah! But she had looked forward to this day all week long, and now it is all but ruined because of yet another migraine. Migraines had run her life most of her life, as far back as she can remember. They can move her to tears, hyperventillation, and panic attacks. She had tried many remedies, and though she was always willing to try, they mostly just put her into an altered state where she didn't pay too much attention to the pain or maybe didn't mind the pain quite as much. She's had 2 severe cold tablets @ 5:30 am and 2 Excederine Migraine at 11:45 AM. Now, she comes back to her darkened bedroom where the only lights allowed are what sneaks in through the blinds, and glows from her laptop screen sitting on her bed. She's propped up with 5 pillows so that she can balance the ice pack on her head, and the laptop on her knee. She didn't want to turn off the music (she had so looked forward to dancing to the music on this day with her dogs), but she was forced to silence the house, do deep breathing excercises, and rest her shattered nerves crawling back into her bed. And she is subdued, trying to calm overwhelming sensations of defeat. She is restless and gets out of and into and back out of bed, and paces the hallway. But the pacing elevates her pulse which elevates the throbbing pain. And she is sad. She just payed the Pain Ctr $5,000 in one lump sum, and she owes them another $5,000 for the two pain-blocks the physician has perfomed, injecting steroids into her cervical spinal column nerves, and into her right eleylid. After 2 proceedures exceeding $10,000, she still shuffles back into the bed where the room is dark and quiet and where she can try to kick it back and slow her own pulse through mind games. Long deep breaths, in through her nose, out through her mouth, making the exhales last as long as she comfortably can to help control the panic and the pain. And still, she balances the ice pack on her head..it provides some numbing of the pain, yet the pain is ever-present and so very nearly out of control. The wind is whipping round the corners of the house, whirling, murmuring, moaning. Her headache is mesmerized and in sync with the howling winds. Ah! She had had such fine plans for this day. And now her old nemisis steals it away. She is forced, against her will, to log off her laptop and close her eyes, and rest. Her mind will be racing. She'd rather be blogging. But she has no say in the matter. The headaches always win, and rule with a pounding, mighty fist. She sighs as she cuddles into bed still balancing the ice pack on her head Maybe a nap will help. Sometimes they do. Most times, they don't...most days she just accepts the cards she has been dealt, and tries to deal without too much drama. She tries. But she is so sad....