Bubba found a large mass on our adorable Boxer, Peggy Sue last night. Boxers are prone to cancer, and she's already had 2 masses removed and biopsied-one benign, the other, cancer-caught-early-and checked. We were hoping...now, in a day, she sprouts a huge mass.she is such a sweet and loving dog. How we hope that this is a fatty tumor-something that comes and goes sometimes w/K9s.ok-9:15 appt confirmed. I never had kids(long story)...my dogs have always been my children...and I have always loved them unconditionally, and they have always returned the favor.

You know who you are... You are deep, misunderstood, intent upon proving yourself too complicated to channel emotional commitments that are subsitutions for the earth-shattering questions and answers that only you are privy,to. You are the stars in my own long, strange trip that has thus far been my life ...You are "Metaphysical Fred," an East Coast Dead Head transplanted in Berkeley making passes at me during a Jerry Garcia Band show, then codenscendingly asking if I'd like to go for sushi after the show. All Deadheads are not alike, I already knew the East Coast Kids were tougher than their Bay Area counterparts. I let a lot of bewildering "dis-ing" slide, cuz I just thought it was his Big City streetwise way.He was in Berkely studying to be a Psychic Minister. He did readings at Psychic Fairs, told me I was an old soul,(like he was doing me some kind of favor, saying any wisdom that I had gleaned was from a previous life-I was still too naiive to be wise from this lifetime. This is how he explained it to me...whatever it meant, I didn't feel good about it, but figured I might be the one with the problem). Until about our 5th sushi date(all dutch-treat from the git-go, I might add, which as the time was no big, cause I dug sushi, too.) Walking to the restraunt, I asked him to explain more about the physcic powers he was grooming through this studying he was so into.Chakra's, auras, fine tuning intuition, meditating etc. He was so very serious pursuing these roads less travelled. No one understood him, of course. Well, he answers me that, he's not really sure. That it just might all be bullshit, he wasn't really sure. But the "feeling of power" that came with a psychic preacher, "mesmerising" his congregation...now, that, was why he was so dead- on serious following this wierd avenue that was his destiny. I didn't dig his power explanation, but we went on for lunch as we both dug sushi, it was a beautiful day and I thought maybe I might have misunderstood him...He wanted to go CD shopping after lunch. Imagine my surprise when he parked in front of the store and quickly, calmly handcuffed me to the steering wheel. He explained that it was a harmless game, and he'd be right back after CD shopping. "Say what?"" Be right back..."and he stayed in the store for almost 1/2 hr. Man, I know he was cruising the store digging the idea of having a chick handcuffed to his truck-under his "power." He came back, I had lost all sense of humor &/or sense of adventure. He took off the handcuffs at my noisy demand, and let it be known I was the one missing out by not participating in his "harmless game." He felt we could have alot of fun if I'd play. Dude, to me, it's all alot of negative energy, wasted energy,& forced acting to be enoying his game, and he'd be the only one enjoying his game, at all. Geez...be misunderstood, just take me to my car. I was married to HP and Mama don't play that power-trip game no more. He didn't call, and I didn't want him to for a coupla weeks. Then he shows up at my back door (I was living in the ghetto in East Oakland then, right off Broadway), and barges in like a man with a mission and proceedes to start drilling holes in the headboard of my waterbed-so he could tie me up. All my yelling, stompin'& screaming to stop, did not stop him. I had already lost all of my possesions through multiple life dramas and here was this guy drilling holes in one of my few pieces of furniture. He was flabberghasted that I was unappreciative, and so loud about it. He was stubbornly hanging out, he'd brought wine, we were gonna have a good time." OUT!OUT!OUT!", I yelled at him and he finally left bummed that I just didn't get it. Dunno, don't care if he was looking for love or just strange sex. But, I figure, these days he is still alone. Because he is so deep, so misunderstood, so much more intelligent-not to mention more physcic than any of the women he had tried to relate to...in his own power-hungry self-important journey. oh yeah, Mr Desperado, you are also Sean, and Ron, and HP, and Daniel, and John... I'll prob get around to your Deperado stories some other night when I am reflecting on what a long,strange trip it continues to be...

October in Indiana...this is nice. Literally golden fields, leaves starting to turn, temperatures just briskly perfect. I automatically take the scenic country roads on my route home, and I'm so glad that I am here. This is "the great circle of life" as I know it, and I can deal.I have to, and I will. Heck-I am. I have friends, family,inner-faith, inner-strength,a history of adventure, food, warmth, running water...I suppose human nature is what makes me whine. I do my best work when reminded to get a grip.My old man is kind to me-and, he makes me laugh. I read a blog from a lady in Florida and it would appear that she either married HP or one of his control-clones. Only she has 2 kids.I took no one's advice when I was married, and who am I to advise another just because it worked for me to leave a toxic relationship behind? But she has a bias against new female friends as they harbor "their own agendas." All females? This guy has seriously injured this woman's psyche...or rather, I guess she has allowed him to damage her outlook on life. She will need professional help,and only then, of course, if she wants help. It's all all I can do to keep my own life sane.

When my Dad turned 70, I started to kiss California goodbye. I flew home to Indiana to once more review the surroundings, and see if I could take another stab at living here. On the flight, I was seated next to a beautiful Oriental woman and she was very kind, She initiated conversation and I joined right in, as I'm rarely shy when it comes to conversation. I told her I was scoping out the home team's town to see if I could transcend back, yet again...I remember telling her that I loved my family, but they "drive me crazy." Then, I corrected the statement saying that I allow them to drive me crazy-that I just had a bad habit of forgetting that I was in control of my world and how I perceived it...I babbled on about the recent lessons that I had gleaned from life, like I knew what I was talking about...Whatever I said, she needed to hear,I guess. As we went about our separate ways changing planes in Denver, she stopped me, and suddenly thrust a small elaborately gift-wrapped package into my hands saying, "Here, I want you to have this." I demurred that I couldn't possibly...but, she insisted, saying that she needed to do something for me as I had just helped her out so much! I could not gracefully refuse her, and ended up accepting her offering. Waiting for takeoff in my next jet, I slowly opened it. The box said "Sak's Fifth Avenue"- a store so out of my league, I will probably never enter it in my entire life...and it held a black velvet box, tastefully decorated with 14 ct gold encrusted semi-precious stones, I was speechless, for a change. And to date I remain amazed and incredulous, dazed and amused. For the life of me I cannot imagine what words of wit and wisdom I must have said to deserve such an ornate gift on the spur of the moment, from a beautiful stranger. I ache, knowing that whatever it was that worked for her, I've forgotten how to find.

Green Day looks so young-how is it possible that they know how I'm feeling? Did they write that song? Have to surf around and find out...Yesterday, I light-heartedly joked with a friend and mentioned that I was in the autumn of my life. He asks, "Is that a good thing?" Without hesitation, I answered "Well, yeah... I'm changing colors!" I wonder where that came from...I've been reflecting on my quip since I made it. My brother, the engineer gave me a laptop for my birthday. I had a 3-hr lesson, and was let loose in cyberspace...Always, so much more to learn...My sisters battle the same depression that I do dealing with our aging folks and our daily lives. We all make our stands to varying degrees, and try to be there for one another.A sister is a thing of beauty. No less amazing are my brothers...such personalities, accomplishments -I love my family so much. I wish that I could freeze time in some way-so we'd always be here for one another. I do not know how I ever made it without them... with what charms did the Bay Area blind me to leave this awesome support system behind? Twice. I feel Dorothy's pain-if ever I go searching for my fondest dreams...I hope I can remember that mine, too, are in my own backyard... So, I'm basically a whirlwind of conflicting emotions, like every one else I know..I just like to talk about it a lot. To any poor schmuck who happens to be within shouting distance...Once, as my marriage was crumbling and I was actually flirting with suicidal scenarios. I was flipping through channels looking for Bugs Bunny, and coincidently, came across Leo Buscaglia on PBS...saying that if I was caught in a miserable relationship that I had to stop hurting myself and remove myself from the unhealthy situation. That if I had to leave stuff behind, to just leave it, "You can always get more stuff," A month later, my Toyota was packed and I started my life over again. I cannot count the times I have left all of my worldly posessions behind, and started my life over again. And now, I have a horrendous junk room full of stuff that will be forever my goal to clean...way too much stuff...Leo planted the seed, and I found the strength to grow. Now, I have to find that strength again, Some days are better than others, Some are barely tolerable, and most days are some where in between. Vividly, in between...