Dog days of summer...so hot, humid, unforgiving, unrelenting.
Dental Insurance that dosen't help pay for crowns...crowns that last 5-7 yrs., if you are lucky for a Bill Large, and I'm going to lose them all eventually, so what is all this for?

Why do I bother...with anything?

Why am I so mad at everything?

Why do I hate alcohol & all that it stands for & all that is destroys, but still want to escape this angry summer with a sip of forgetfulness? I will not bend...I will not allow myself to break...but, I only want to feel better than I do.

Paying my dues to sing the blues, knowing it don't come easy, knowing it won't get prettier with time...nothing does.

I treadheaded another 4 miles today with some temporary relief, but it has dissapated with the day.

Petey started my day, nearly saved it, sending me a Yes! tune that gave me thrills and chills and jubilation, but it faded as the outside temperatures of reality rose to unbearable.

Is this heat, this day after day of hiding in the A/C my problem? Is this why I whine like a spoiled child when I have all that I need in my grasp?

I have a long weekend planned with my sisters the wkend of 9/7. I am looking forward to it, but time drags towards it at an unbearably slow pace...Wait a minute...wait

I just went to sit on the back porch and breathe deeply, when it came to me. All these funerals, sick friends, drunken loved ones, friends who used to seem OK, but are actually truly suffering from mental disorders, divorces, fights...what I am feeling is the ANGER stage of grieving...Awwww geezz-no wonder I couldn't recognize it for what it was. All of my life, all of my anger has always felt best when I suppressed it, kept it inside, ignored it, felt guilty about. The way so many people need anger management counseling for obvious irrational outburst are the same reasons, I need to understand my need to express my anger because it is perfectly normal for me to feel it, although for me, it is perfectly normal to bottle it up. This is potentially, no healthier than those who periodically explode with rage...just a different flavor of anger...my own personal flavor, and one that I have almost always kept hidden within. The few times that it has simmered to a boil and overflowed, the guilt and the pain I felt and feared I had caused by expressing my anger never felt worth the release...I can see it more clearly now. I am angry. Not at any one thing, any one person, any many reasons...I am just going through a perfectly natural phase that eventually will pass. Awww geeez, the relief! In just knowing, in just realizing, in just admitting the obvious to myself.

No matter how often I am told that it is OK for me to feel angry, I never really believe it to be so. I don't know why, but it truly is a part of who I am. Definitely not my best part, but integral, nonetheless.

And suddenly, I am breathing better, relaxing just a lil more, feeling just a lil better.

No, I do not want a drink. Or a smoke. Or a pill. I want this mood to pass, and I know now, that soon, it will. Who are we if we are not the sum of our experiences, the ever-changing mobile total of all of the emotions that combine to make us the complete being that we are...such as we are?

Man, I am so glad I started to write about it, think about it, breathe about it, and hopefully, to learn from it. All of a sudden, I do feel better about it. It is an aspect of my personality that I usually do not allow to rear it's ugly head. This is what was making me feel so bad when I started this post. Now that I recognize it for what is is (almost was) I can heal from it, and with any luck, better prepare myself for the inevitable repeat performance. Few and far between, with any luck, the mood will undoubtedly return, and if memory will serve, I will beat it back once again. I dislike this necessary emotion, but I am what I am, and I cannot live with out occasional flaring sunspots erupting from my nerves.

And now, I've finally got better things to do...