Hard season, hard winter-"The Secret of Life is Enjoying the Passage of Time" says Sweet Baby James...but it takes a mindset, a determination, and a will to pull that off.

I've had some bad days with this hernia-not terrible, but enough so that it feels as if my brain chemistry is even being messed with, and I am not able to pull off that inner evervessence that usually bubbles from within. I cannot expect to be bubbly all of the time, I know...and I don't...as I can't.

My step-mother, Rene, my father's wife, and my mother's ex-best friend from so many decades of drama ago, died yesterday. Angel sister Jan, sat the bed-side death vigil for the 6 days since Rene was granted Hospice. Rene's long-estranged daughter Becky does not know (or care) that her mother has passed or was even ill. We have no way to get in touch with her, and we are pretty sure she does not want to be notified of anything. Rene was a complicated woman. I don't know the straw that broke Becky's back, as she had been sporadically in touch until a few years ago with my parents-but Rene used to insist that Becky distanced herself as Dad & Rene did not have enough money. Rene befriended & betrayed we 5 children and our mother for years, having an affair with Dad for a long time before Mom & Dad finally split. Dad remarried Rene, Mom's ex-best friend, and that took quite a bit of getting used to, but the 5 of us eventually accepted the love of our father's life. If we five could forgive Rene, and even grow to love her in our own ways in spite of her complicated, convoluted and sometimes corrupt personality. I feel sorry that Becky could not find it within herself to even stay in contact with her mother in Rene's declining years...but it is not a problem, especially, not my problem. None of us desires to look for Becky (quite the golddigger as hometown gossip insists), but I feel sorry for her...she missed out on a lot of good times and family love & stuff, that through forgiveness and a grudging acceptance, we 5 were party to in Dad and Rene's life.

Brother Buzz and his wonderful wife, Beth, Angel Sister Jan, and Rene's only surviving brother, Paul (a sweet, kind, uncomplicated man) will be making the arrangements at the funeral home today that helped inter Dad in June. Brother Mark's son Ken, 16, wants to deliver the eulogy. A fun-loving, America loving, all around loving 16 year old credit to Mark and his wonderful wife Kim... indeed, Ken is Mark all over again...they even complete one another's sentences. Ken is wise beyond his years. Rene adored Ken & spent time with him whenever possible, and we are all so proud of Ken for undertaking this task when he is so emotionally involved, at such a tender age...

Mark & Kim have been having some intense trial of their own, but they are steadfastly standing by one another, weathering the storms. As Mark keeps a blog and has chosen to not yet reveal their traumas and dramas on line, I will refrain from telling their story...unless Mark tells me Rene's funeral that I may. His boss reads his blog and confronts him frequently on their differences of opinion...but, oh the tales he could tell about his personal life. Yet, I cannot go there at this time..it is only his place and choice..but, I am so proud of the both of them...they are bravely traveling through Hell-on Earth, hand in hand. I had planned yesterday to go up North to stay with them for a few days, but weather, hernia complications, and Bubba's disapproval kept me home.

Bubba continues to amaze me, and my family and friends with his loving kindness. His Wally World Track phone has been defunct for quite awhile now, and Tuesday when I accompanied him to WW to pick up some meds, he purchased a new Verizon cell, took my old Verizon, put us on the Verizon Family Plan, & gave me the sleek new model. He even bought my multi-vitamins for me that day...and as we are now on the Verizon Family Plan & he tells me he will pay half of the Verizon bill. He is helping me with my truck payments, treating me to many happy surprises, and unending, unconditional love. For Valentine's Day, he bought 2 huge box of chocolates, one for my mother, one for me, and 3 smaller boxes of chocolates for my 2 sisters and my best fiend, Deb, who is like a sister to me.

Medicaid turned me down Tuesday, as I have some money in an IRA. It appears I may have to break into that IRA early (unless there are other financial developments) and deplete it to less than $2,000 before I can get any state aide on this hernia problem. I am awaiting correspondence from the V.A., and remain optimistic that they can help me at a more fair cost than civilian facilities. Biding my time... I do not expect anything other than the usual government hurry up and wait, eventual positive income. The sooner, the better...I cannot take a job in good faith knowing that at any moment I could be doubled over in pain, and therefore a less-than-dependable employee. Now that I know what the medical problem is, it must be taken care of, and that has become my priority-with no job or insurance to help me pay for it, I am researching my options.

Which leads me to a true confession. My therapist Cecile, was quite confrontational about me coming the the financial aid of some one close to me recently. I am the last person anyone should ask for money at this time of my life, I know. I also strongly feel that I know I will be repaid, and I believe in the honesty and goodness of the close one involved, and I know how difficult it was of her to ask me for a loan. With Cecile, I stood my ground, defending my actions and the worthiness of this individual, and my belief is that I will be repaid. Cecile found me standing my ground admirable, but remains adamant that red flags abound with this loan. I agree, but I believe in this person. It is not a huge amount of money, just enough to get her car out of the shop, but it has become a point of contention between Cecile & I. Another life experience I will eventually learn from, but I really believe that this person will pay me back ASAP-it is a hard, cold season for her, as well. I wanted to help and I still believe I did the right thing. To a fault-all of the Webber children want to help...But again, only time will tell...

I have really had to reel in my tread-heading...my brother-in-law Rick expanded & improved my ipod & I get inspired & really want to put on the miles, but it does unpleasant things to my hernia, if I should get carried away. I took yesterday off, but plan to resume a slow pace and a low mileage goal again today. Too much Christmas pie, too much "healthy" dark chocolate. I have to get this hernia repaired soon...my life is waiting-and my body is gaining weight!

Well, enough about me (ha!)-"how you doin'?"(Joey on "Friends").

Ice storm en route all over Nowhere, Indiana. I dream of Spring & can barely wait. But I insist-there is a light at the end of all of our tunnels.