That didn't last-it was just an antihistime-a prescription Benedryl of sorts, and the buzz lasted a couple of hours, went away, and never returned. I feel no buzz @ all anymore and wonder how much of what I was feeing Saturday was mostly in my head. I get a little cotton mouth, and perhaps a slight mellowing, but not all that much. Nothing like my inept private physician prescribed to get me out of his office.

I am back to reality now and really. Reality is spasms in my intestines and a throbbing pang where the hernia is most visible. Reality is Bubba coming to the rescue again & me feeling like a lump. The sewer line is backed up & he has torn through the cement patio he worked so hard on trying to find a spot where he can snake the clog out. Here is the manly man with shovels & scary, wet piles of.. earth. I know that I would only get in the way and stress the hernia if I were to attempt to assist him. He wants to do it all himself, or he would have called a professional. What a man, what a man...I peek out a window on this cold April afternoon, and I feel so useless.

Reality is this man is taking Thursday 4/17 off to take me up to the VA for all the testing & procedures that are grimly necessary to prepare for this operation on Friday 4/18. The VA will spring for a hotel room on Thursday night so that we may start early, I suppose. I live about 80 miles from the hospital one way. and they want to ensure that I am available when they are ready for me. Reality is mixed emotions. Nothing is all good or all bad-but, better than it could have been under different circumstances. I don't have to face this alone, I am getting a multi-thousand dollar surgery for free because I served decades ago in the Navy. Man, in spite of everything, I am so blessed.

And I would be lying if I said I had no second thoughts, no fear of this surgery. My dad used to bug me regularly to get medical care @ the VA. I didn't realize then, I was eligible-I thought you had to have retired from the service to get care at the VA. Plus their reputation left a lot to be desired, though folks tell me that is a dated conception of the VA-that these days they are state-of-the-art. I never heard of a hospital springing for a hotel room. I am ready to be proved belatedly wrong about them, and plus it is all for free, that I am aware of. Reality has been tougher and colder in my past-they may be a tad difficult now, but things are settling into a more positive mode than if I had not lived my life as I have to date.

The lump continues to take it easy watching her man shouldering the burdens and sticking by her side. She continues to feel unworthy, but basks in the love & concern of her friends and family. This low self esteem gig is a bit tiresome, but keeps me humble.