Physically, I feel horrible and have felt this way ior most of the week. Hopefully it is just mood swings, but God help me. are my female reproductive organs withering and dying within my body? I mean-that is what menopause is, isn't it? the hot flashes, the vivid dreams, the seemingly forbidden sleep. I quit looking at the clock last night at 2 A. M.

I saw the VA shrinks on Tuesday. excuse the Hell out of me, but what a joke. 1/2 hour with a guy, a social worker who assured me that all women my age feel this way, and they survive, so more than likely, I will too. and men have stood by their women through these times & more than likely I will not drive Bubba away...sure... 10 minutes with an M.D. who told me that I cannot hope for an Ativan ( I cannot hope for past proven medical assistance) as it is a short term fix for a long term problem and he will prescribe me something that I know has been prescribed to me in the past & given me flu like symptoms. but he is sure I am mistaken. what a snot he was! Something that starts with a T,( Topogigio? HAH! something like that) but my memory won't dig it up. get a job, he says, and get on the treadmill more often and don't do anything illegal and I will be fine. it is Saturday & I still feel terrible & I guess I am wallowing & whining, but if I cannot do it here, where can I? I am still awaiting the delivery (VA prefers to send meds by mail, I suppose they are cheaper that way) of said T-med whatever it is. I will try anything. I have to get the proverbial grip & I ...just can't.

A sweet kid 16 yr old kid hit my truck with his on Thursday. On his first date, had his driver's license less than 90 days, his parents "are going to kill him"...he was stopped at a stop sign, I had my blinker on & made the left in front of him, off the highway, I had the unquestionable right-of-way but he pulled out & hit the rear panel of my truck (that I JUST paid off) and the cop cited him for failure to yield & I was kind, but only more depressed...and it just does not matter as I cannot feel much more depressed, or can I? I'd like to delete this, but I look forward to apologizing for venting soon.

it is a buzzing in my head & I hurt all over before that medication has begun & I'd like those 2 medical professionals to feel a fraction of this...this malaise...this pain & heat & sweats and frustration and awkwardness and raggedness.

and I am lucky to have a roof over my head. and somebody mows my lawn as I cannot do it to his satisfaction. and I can think of thousands of reasons not to feel as bad as I do, but guess what-I feel this bad... this horrible...aaaaaaaaaaaaack! I just do!

ok-enough...this too shall pass...maybe I will come back & delete this tomorrow... I can only hope